Associated Press

You had no idea I was coming unannounced like this, right? You should see the look on your face, Iraq. Your jaw is practically on the floor.

I wanted to make a grander entrance; I could have popped out of a cake or maybe hidden in a deactivated missile. Then when it was dropped out of the sky and it didn’t kill you, you might have actually been happy to see me. I’m not an idiot, Iraq, I know you’d rather it was Angelina Jolie visiting you. Even though I know this is true, it still hurts a little.

Anyway, the reason I rushed over here without the formalities is, of course, to steal your oil. You didn’t think you could sneak a meeting about the allocation of oil fields by me, did you?

In the words of an Iraqi official, leaders will be meeting to “figure out how to exploit the country’s resources.”

This is why I love you third-worlders. You don’t mince words. In America we would have said, “massage the land to extract its surplus of organic gifts”, but here you might as well of added, “rape the land so hard it will never bear children.”

But pleasantries aside, give us some fucking oil. I’ll be urging you guys to open up access for oil contracts to international countries. I am confident you will heed my council in this matter.

Or have it your way. The Sunnis will control the oil fields, until the Shiites hijack them — or visa versa. To be honest, I find the whole thing rather dull. You guys are both Arabs, no? You both wear turbins and spend the majority of the day on your knees. It’s like the embittered rivalry between Yankees and Mets fans. They spend so much time hating each other when really it’s the Red Sox and Phillies they should be directing their murderous car-bombing campaigns against (substitute Iraqi Christians and Israel).

By now you are hitting yourself in the head, as our grand plan is starting to come into focus.

Step 1: Destablize the Middle East
Step 2: Become the only reliable buyer in the region. Purchase oil cheap and sell it at over $100 a barrel on the American commodity market.
Step 3: With the huge profits, open a chain of 80s-themed restaurants.