Soon enough, I will be stepping down from my post as Vice President of the
It’s like the title of that book Lynne and I keep in the bathroom. I've learned through experience that sweating the small stuff can have negative side effects on your health, such as: four heart attacks, severe atrial fibrillation, unstable angina, congestive heart failure, knee aneurysms, kidney failure, sleep apnea and athlete’s foot. The good news is that each time your sinister life flashes before your eyes, your soul will die a little more, making it easier to not sweat anything.
2) Find a hobby
It’s important to have something outside of work that adds joy to your life. I won’t tell you what that something should be, but it shouldn’t not be feasting on the blood of a newborn babe under a full moon…
If you’re like me, you’ll wake up every morning with the same burning desire: to destroy the sun. While it makes perfect sense to end this worthless disease known as humanity by plunging everything into eternal darkness, such behavior is mostly frowned upon.
Sarah Palin:
Dear Mr. Cheney: It was a pleasure meeting with you, and I appreciate your advice. Your comprehensive hatred is always illuminating (like Alaska on a bright sunny day). I aprreciated learning about where you buried each and every body. My, you have been busy. It has been pointed out to me that I have my uninformed, close-minded, cronyistic, rube persona (like Mr. Bush) down pat. However, it has been suggested I need to bring more evil to the ticket. I thought that taking away a man's livelihood for following government policy in not firing my scumbag ex-brother-in-law would be enough, but apparently not. I also called the war in Iraq God's war, but still no dice. So here are a few suggestions I have been considering: 1) taking reporters on a family hunting trip, where I "accidentally" shoot my daughter's fiance, Levi, in the face; 2) invite Tina Fey on hiking trip to Alaska; push her off Mt. McKinley; 3) challenge Senator Clinton to a charity chili cookoff; savagely beat her and incorporate her lifeless body into my entry; 4) returning to Levi, and I really like this idea, public castration. Thoughts?
9/16/2008 12:00 PMDick Cheney:
My only concern is that the Clinton-chili-cook off scheme may backfire when those who inadvertently eat the senator become infected with creepy pantsuit-wearing bitch disease.
9/16/2008 3:55 PMSarah Palin:
P.S. I can see the sun from my home in Alaska.
9/16/2008 2:56 PMMitt Romney:
When I grow up I want to be a VP.
9/16/2008 3:03 PMBill Clinton:
I'm gonna have to vote for the chili idea.
9/16/2008 4:36 PMJoe Biden:
Sweetheart, believe me, your recent deluge of racist, hate-filled, violence-inspiring rhetoric has achieved you the evil status for which you seek. That, and the recent uncovering of your running mate's sex dungeon, of course.
10/14/2008 5:10 PMJohn McCain:
My friends, that was not a sex dungeon. It is an underground dwelling where Sarah and I intend to place Levi & Bristol Palin, if we sould be so blessed to get your vote. We believe it is what Jesus would have wanted. As for Sarah being evil, well, whatever it takes to win. "McCain first, Country eventually."
10/27/2008 4:40 PM