Today when I was down at the shops, picking up some cat food, the cashier said to me, “Hey, aren’t you that guy? That guy who is the President of Russia?”

I said, “Yes, that is the guy who I am. Pleased to meet you.”

I offered him my hand so that he might shake it, but he said, “You are not a very large man. You do not impress me.”

“Oh. I see.”

The cashier began to remove his cashier smock and said, “I am going to wrestle you. I want to pin the President of Russia.”

It is my first day in the Presidential office, and I am simply elated. It is true, I would be slightly more elated if I were typing this from the Presidential desk, but there are still many of Putin’s belongings on the desk, and he says that I am not allowed to touch his stuff.

Though I am now President of Russia, and thus should probably be able to do what I like with the Presidential desk, I concede that he has made a fair and reasonable request, and I intend to abide by it. He also says that I am not allowed to use the chair next to the Presidential desk, or the carpet in the Presidential office, and if I intend to use any of the air in the Presidential office, I am to use it sparingly. Still, it is a great honour to be sitting cross-legged on that small patch of marble between the door and the carpet. Putin is truly a kind and generous man.