The finale of my incredibly successful celebrity spin-off reality show is tonight. And I have to pick a winner between country singer Trace Adkins and British tabloid king Piers Morgan.

I don't like country music. Don't like the twang -- sounds like someone can't afford to buy new guitar strings. Don't like the words -- boo hoo, woe is me. Pitiful. Pathetic. I especially don't like the ridiculous hats. Hair is meant to be seen.

But I don't like the British either. Hate them. What are they famous for? Understatement.

So I'm going to flip a coin. Who cares.

There is something more important on my mind, anyway: the upcoming release of my latest successful venture, TRUMP NICE -- The Condom That Works as Hard As You Do. So treat your apprentice to a bottle of Trump Vodka, take her to the top of Trump Tower, and unwrap a Trump Nice, or two. I would.