I am as patriotic a red-blooded American as any billionaire with an Eastern European wife, but sometimes you've got to know when to abandon ship. My advice: now is the time to convert any dollars you have left into euros. And I'm not talking about at the currency exchange; I mean with a little craftiness at home. Behold: The Donald J. Trump I Love My Country But I'm Getting Out Now Dollar to Euro Conversion Kit.
-- Start with a $20 bill if you can find one.
-- The 20 Euro is narrower than a $20 so use scissors to trim approximately 11.5mm off each side.
-- The 20 Euro is taller than a $20 so you must stretch the $20 by flattening it out. I like to use a pasta roller, preferably imported from Italy.
-- The $20 has a picture of Andrew Jackson, but the Euro has a picture of nobody because Europeans have no heroes and only like buildings. You will need to draw something like a wi ndow or a pillar over top of Mr. Jackson.
-- The $20 features words written in real languages like English and Latin while the Euro has words written in a grab bag of meaningless gobbledygook. Rewrite the phrases and slogans on the $20 to read as if they were scribbled by a schizophrenic elf.
-- The $20 is rendered in a serious color palette that says "This is money and it means business" while the Euro is designed with a palette aimed at nursery school children. Choose a crayon of any bright color and fill in your $20, preferably in more than three different shades.
-- Finally, the $20 is composed of advanced fibers that will withstand a wide range of abuse from washing machines to snorting lines off Kate Moss' ass, while the Euro is held together with only a small foil strip. Use a small razor blade to cut a 5mm wide strip of aluminum foil to wrap the edge of your bill.
Congratulations! In just minutes you have successfully converted your worthless American coke straw into European gold.