Folks, this is going to be a very exciting election, for me. People are asking who I will endorse. I'm telling you, this is an even more difficult decision than whether to fire Omarosa or put her in charge of the Trump Taj Mahal (or as I privately call it, "the Dump Taj Mahal").

I love white men. I love white men of a certain age, because I am of a certain age, although not quite that certain of an age. I love rich men who are also white and of a certain age. It's a no brainer -- McCain's my guy.

I love a man who knows how to find every camera and get his mug in front of it. I love a guy with the confidence to preen in front of tremendous crowds. I love a guy unafraid to brag about his rising star on a daily basis. It's a no brainer -- Obama's my guy.

Wow, I just realized something groundbreaking. This is a very significant personal insight that will change how you think of me: I am the best features of John McCain and Barack Obama combined.

These two candidates are not merely excellent potential leaders of our country. They have also taught me something about myself.