When the best school rankings came out this morning, I didn't want to look. For too many years Trump U has not only missed out on the top 5, but hasn't cracked the list altogether!
But then I got a kick of optimism. We recently revamped our success stories page to include more testimonials from satisfied alums. And surely my extensive letter-writing campaign could only help:
Dear Idiots,
You suck! Here's an idea: stop being so terrible.
-- The Donald
So I got out a sheet a paper to cover up the lower names on the list, so I could dramatically reveal the selections one by one:
#1 Harvard -- OK, probably a legacy pick.
#2 Princeton -- East coast school. Heard of it. Some of these schools get picked for their large endowments instead of academics.
But folks after that it got absurd:
#4 Stanford? Cali-schools? Can they put the ganga down long enough to make it to class?
#5 Massachusetts Institute of Technology/ #6 California Institute of Technology -- Without business investment technology wouldn't even exist!
#15 John Hopkins? John who-kins? What skyscrapers does he own?
#50 Yeshiva - Isn't that a rabbi school?!
OK, let's get the big elephant out of the room, shall we? So we're not accredited. Whatever that means. I'm sure it's just like a liquor license, as soon as I figure out who to pay, we'll get that taken care of.
Can you get an Inside the Trump Tower newsletter sent to you at Dartmouth? Does Northwestern offer a course on shaking debtors by the ankles to collect the gold pieces they may be hiding? OK we don't either, but I am considering adding a phys ed. component to the '09 course atlas.
In the meantime, here's an idea U.S. News and World Report: why don't you figure out your own shit first before judging others? Is your thing domestic news or international reporting? It's kind of like the actress/models that participate in my pageants: the slash means you are terrible at both.
But do you know what these actress/models are good at? Blow jobs. Is that what you specialize in too, U.S. News and World Report? Mouth sex?
anon:
it's Johns Hopkins, you idiot
8/22/2008 6:06 PMAnonymous:
As a JHU alum, I've actually experienced reactions not unlike the one in this blog...
8/23/2008 3:47 AMDonald Trump:
Wrong, you moron. I just paid 800 million for them to change the name so I wouldn't have a typo in this post. You are so stupid Anon.
8/25/2008 2:35 PMWarren Buffett:
I own three schools..wait, hang on, no correction, I sold three schools and made $100 million. Which is probably a lot of money to you Don....not me though....god no.
8/25/2008 1:24 AMBill Clinton:
Can I judge one of your pageants?
8/25/2008 12:18 PM