Many people come to me for help. They say, "Dr. Phil, my husband and I are both having sex change operations. Can the marriage still work?" Or they say, "My father thinks he's a toaster and won't take the bread out of his mouth." My advice is always the same: come on my show. Nothing heals like being berated by a bald man in front of a live studio audience.

But sometimes the people who need the most help are too afraid, or too Mormon, to ask me themselves. I need to reach out to these people. Like these 13-year-olds who are getting pregnant. Girls, I know you are in a bad place right now, with a lot of people telling you different things, but those people are idiots. I'm going to tell you the right things:

First, lose those dresses. How are you going to get a man who isn't your 50-year-old cousin if you look like you live in a Laura Ingalls Wilder novel? I'm not telling you to dress like the out-of-control pre-teens I had on my show last week, but get mom or your prophet to pick you up some jeans at the Wal Mart.

Second, don't listen to everything your "Heavenly Father" tells you. The only one who knows what God wants is God. Also the Pope.

Third, you need to realize a fundamentalist sect is a give and take relationship. You have to make compromises. Maybe you get beaten when you aren't praying hard enough. Maybe you have to lose your virginity in front of the whole temple. That's the tradeoff you made when you decided to be born into the sect. If you don't like it, maybe you should switch to Buddhism.

Finally, you need to get out of that courtroom. Insane, abusive polygamists are one thing, but being around 350 lawyers is just not healthy. Especially for young people.