Readers, it is with a heavy heart that I must confess something: I am living a lie. On my show, I frequently tell my guests, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt," or "Deny and Don't Conquer," and once I even said: "God will disown you if you keep lying to yourself about your obese baby."

But I have now come to the realization that denial can be a good thing. It can protect you against a lower, more accurate sense of self-worth. And why is that bad?

I'll tell you the moment that led to my epiphany. Like most of my epiphanies, it took place sitting at the kitchen table alone in my underwear eating a ginormous submarine sandwich bigger than my already large head. I believe at the time, I was in a bologna, Cajun turkey, spicy sopressata salami and pepper jack cheese phase. (Many people don't realize the keys to a healthy sex life and avoiding luncher's monotony are exactly the same -- get creative!)

As I nibbled my way through the second half of the sandwich, I hit a powerful food coma. I zoned out and stared at this delicious monstrosity of dairy and animal flesh. Something about the way the light reflected off the spices of the jack cheese and the fat circles in the sopressata, mixed in with the yellow mustard -- and I'll be darned if I didn't see a clown's face right there in my sandwich.

And that's when my repressed memory rushed into my brain like a tidal wave of rusty knives and poison-tipped darts. I recalled a birthday party I attended as a child. Little Dr. Phil had not quite achieved the harmonious balance of fat distribution that you see before you today. Sylvester the magic clown asked for a volunteer that he was going to make disappear. I excitedly raised my hand and was selected.

But when I got on stage, Sylvester roasted me. He said, "I'm going to need some extra magic to make you disappear." The crowd went wild with laughter and Sylvester riffed off it. He said, "Jesus himself would lose a lot of believers if he had to perform this miracle." And then, "You're so fat, when you step on a scale, it says to be continued." I ran straight home and comforted myself with 31 Twinkees. I had to be rushed to the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

But after this recollection, I remembered other things I had been denying. Like yesterday if you asked me if I was impotent, I would have said no. But the truth is I am very impotent -- and I have a small pecker!

I'm just saying, if something really terrible happens to you and it can damage your self-esteem, why not pretend it did not happen? I don't know if you guys realize this, but the world is a crappy place and bad things happen. Sometimes more often than good things.

Like for instance, if your two-timing fiance sleeps with your twin brother again, deny it.

If your out of control teen keeps having orgies in your bed and empties your bank account to fuel her $50,000 a year meth habit, deny it.

If you lose a loved one to a tragic accident, deny it.

Trust me, you'll be happier for it.