Folks, I feel great! Last night was just swell, a real treat. If you missed the MTV Video Music Awards last night, you probably still caught the highlights: Britney was downright stunning!

Now you know I was sittin’ at home, smiling like a goat in a briar patch, because in hindsight I think we can all agree that Britney’s comeback was made possible by my guiding hand. Look at the facts: before I intervened, that girl was three sandwiches and a Sioux City Sarsaparilla short of a proper picnic. Heck, she was acting crazier than a spayed roach. Now, she looks about as happy as a fat dog in a pile a bones with two hams under each hindquarter and a lifetime supply of sweet ‘n hot peppered beef jerky to her name.

And so, thanks everyone who has continued to support Britney and, through her, myself; your standing ovations last night mean the world to us. Now be sure to watch the new season of Dr. Phil; my first guest is an elephant who spent three years in rehab for heroin addiction -- will I send him to bootcamp? (Yes, I will.)