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No fair! I'm the change candidate By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 10:11:00 -0400

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Also hockey moms are usually less rabid than pit bulls By Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:46:26 -0400

Golly! Wasn't that something last night? Before this, the biggest crowd I ever spoke to was a crowd of 94 on Inuit Awareness Day (43 if you subtract huskies).Did you like that barb about how being mayor of Wasila was like being a community organizer except with responsibility. I didn't get into specifics because my record speaks for itself:Keeping wolves away from our babies. The previous mayor, Chester Bottomfields, lost 14 babies on his watch. Me? Only 8. That's a 57% reduction I plan on taking to Washington.Fighting gentrification from the Anchorage city folk. We resisted the cosmopolitan sway of greater Anchorage with their fancy Sports Authority-bought Crossbows and their modern refrigeration methods.Budget management. And we did it while completely abolishing taxes. The entire budget... Read more

My fantasy team totally sucks! By Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:05:41 -0400

Dude! My fantasy football league did its auto-draft and my team is so stupid! At quarterback, I got Tom "Dick Lips" Brady. I'd bench the dumb, good-looking bastard, but guess who my back-up quarterback is? Yep - Eli "I'm a Dork Who Gargles Dog Balls" Manning. Do you have any idea what it's like to get your terd-face little brother as your back-up fantasy quarterback?It would be cool if you could use your fantasy players to control players in real life, instead of the real-life players controlling your fantasy players. If I had control of my fantasy players, I would have my little fantasy Dick Lips drop back for a pass and fall down into a pile of dog poop. How funny would that be? Then he'd go to the sidelines and little fantasy Eli would come up with a clipboard, and l... Read more

With great got-damn sex comes great got-damn responsibility By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:09:47 -0400

What the fuck is all this bullshit about how got-damn great it is for teenage girls getting their asses pregnant?Between Juno, Jamie Lynne and Bristol Palin, I’m beginning to think it’s a crying got-damn shame that I ain’t got a pregnant 16 year old daughter. Maybe if I did, I’d have an Oscar, a best-seller or a vice presidential campaign. God damn my daughter for having the good got-damn sense to keep her motherfucking legs closed when some drunk frat-boy told her, “But I’m allergic to latex.”I mean, shit, I could get up from this computer right now and impregnate half a dozen fifteen year olds but I know better. And why do I know better? Because I’m a motherfucking grown-up who knows that giving birth to a got-damn child ain’t some gr... Read more

Sarah Palin, you need help By Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 16:26:16 -0400

Us girls, we gotta look after each other, yeah? I see a sister in trouble ‘n I want to reach out, get her a beer. I know my girls would do the same for me if there ever comes a time in my life when I need help. So maybe one of you sisters in the states can lend a hand to Sarah Palin. Girlfriend needs help.Sarah, if you’s readin’ this, don’t get mad – I got nothing but respect for anyone who can play the nerd from 90210 and still go around winning beauty contests.  I’m just worried is all; from what I hear, you isn’t exactly living a sustainable lifestyle. There’s lotsa geezers talking about you, and they say that you go hunting for mooses while leaking amniotic fluids; that you play hockey with pregnant teenagers; tha... Read more

Another conspiracy theory: Pinkberry and Red Mango are the same company! By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:22:32 -0400

The other day, you may have been shocked to hear my brilliant theory on how the United States had pursued relations with Georgia and encouraged them to invade South Ossetia in order to get us to invade them, adding fodder to the campaign of one presidential candidate (I’m not naming names, but his name rhymes with Lon McBlane). Today, I put out my second great hypothesis. Pinkberry and Red Mango are in fact the same company.You’re shocked, right? Good. You should be shocked. You shouldn’t let the wool of capitalism shroud your eyes. Not that I don’t like capitalism. Capitalism is awesome. Did I mention that Russia’s not the Soviet Union anymore? We’re totally capitalists. And not interested in reconquering all our former satellite countries. ... Read more

Yes Americans, God is trying to help you find a parking spot By Thom Yorke

Thom Yorke — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:55:45 -0400

Well, we just wrapped up our USA tour, and I can't say how happy I am. The tour dirigible stinks of soybean oil, Phil's fungus-encrusted socks, and the incense I've been lighting to honor the Tibetans and Georgians who were massacred while the rest of the world watched 16-year-olds jump around on a balance beam. If Jonny tells me about one more Croatian composer of early-electronic music who was unjustly ignored by history, I'm going to strangle his pale neck.And the songs. Always the same bloody songs night after night. We really only have five albums to pick songs off of (our first two albums being, in my humble opinion, dreadful hunks of donkey shit, almost as bad as an Oasis album), and that means we end up playing, for instance, "Everything in its Right Place," twenty-seven ... Read more

Dannii Minogue, I will date you, on the following conditions By John Mayer

John Mayer — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:45:32 -0400

Yes, Dannii Minogue, I will date you. But I have some conditions that need to be met first.-- Plan your monthly cycles around my tour schedule. I know, this sounds mean, and it probably is, but I only mean it out of kindness. I want the most of our time together when I'm not touring.-- Be prepared to listen to me talk about sneakers and watches and which Apple widgets are better than others.-- Know the difference between real Chanel handbags and a knock-off purchased at a mall kiosk in Malibu. You might not think it's important, but you may run into an ex of mine who knows the difference.-- Sometimes men wear make-up. It is okay. It is nothing to get upset about. Sometimes a man has a pimple, or needs a visual pick-me-up after a late night in a smoky concert stadium (es... Read more

I can't decide who I hate more: the United States or handicapped people By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 11:55:27 -0400

Two things make me Vladimir Putin, the undisputed King of Russia, angry these days.Number 1:The US instigated the whole Georgia crisis. They pushed Georgia into war in order to influence the US elections. I like making conspiracy theories and then not backing them up with any facts. For example: Nastia Lukin (US gymnastic all around gold medal winner) is a cyborg; Alien v. Predator was actually a documentary but sold to the public as a fictional film to avoid public fear; And John F. Kennedy actually committed suicide. Number 2: As mad as I got about the US interference in Russian matters, it paled in comparison to my anger at reading this. We should not be using robotic enhancements to help handicapped people become normal. This is a waste of cybernetic energy. R... Read more

Why Sarah Palin? One word: gams By John McCain

John McCain — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 10:08:09 -0400

Friends, many moons ago I wrote to you about my choices for Vice-President (pronounced "veep"). Since then, I have considered many candidates for the job, and received many nice fruit baskets. Although Mitt forgot that I do not like pomegranates. I don't trust anything with that many seeds.After much deliberation and a good long talk with Mother, I've picked Sarah Palin, a hockey mom from Alaska who also happens to be a governor. People are asking me, "Why her?" and "Is she experienced enough?" and to those people I say: Who are you? How did you get my phone number? But to you blog readers, I will gladly explain myself. Why her? Here's why:1. She is only 44, which means she will be able to help me figure out how to set the time on my goddam wristwatch.2. Accor... Read more

I speak so well By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 11:37:45 -0400

Did you catch my speech last night? I would give myself a 8.7. The deductions occurring because the Obamatopia I laid out for America didn't cause anyone to physically leave their feet and float into the heavens out of pure ecstasy. In case you missed it, I'm offering a summary of the speech along with some analysis.The math portion:"We love this country too much to let the next 4 years look like the last 8 ... 8 is enough."This was the sesame street part of the speech. I figured a lot of kids would be watching at home, as well as rural farmers."John McCain voted with Bush 90% of the time, I don't want to take a 10% chance on change."Holy shit was that a money line. No analysis here, just pure genius. That line alone probably bagged one of the smalle... Read more

Please call me Doctor Celine Dion from now on By Celine Dion

Celine Dion — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 10:19:12 -0400

Now, the laughs are on you, for I have an honorary degree from a big Canadian university, and you don't. I cannot tell you how long I have waited to be known as "Dr. Dion, Ph. D". Like "Brenda Starr, Reporter," or "Nancy Drew, Girl Detective". When you are a professional woman, it is what comes after the comma that counts. I never finished high school, and this has been like a hidden scar on my beautiful body. Often at a reception of powerful people, after the introductions and the small talk, conversation would turn to serious matters. "Celine," someone would say, "I know you are beautiful and have a voice so powerful it could crush a kitten's skull, but what are the principal exports of the Benelux countries? When was the Suez Canal ... Read more

Mystery company called Microsoft is a BUY, BUY, BUY! By Jim Cramer

Jim Cramer — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 09:41:11 -0400

Boooyahhh America. Its time for Big Cram to get back to some fundementals and give you some good stocks to invest in. So I am hitting the BUY, BUY, BUY button with a little company you probably have not heard of yet called Microsoft. Now I know what you are thinking, what kind of weird dingbat would name his company Microsoft?Why not just call it SmallFlacid or TinyWeak. Yeah, the name is not great and few will ever remember it, but that's OK, this isn't a consumer play. In order to make real money in the stock market you have to find out of favor companies that people are not paying attention to and BUY, BUY, BUY. You see Microsoft makes this stuff that makes your computer go. It's the guts inside that Dell, HP or Commodore 64 you are running.Now here is where it gets exciting; they make ... Read more

Joe Biden's kill count is still at zero By Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:44:07 -0400

I shudder to think what kind of drug-fueled nose picking has led to the collective hallucination that somehow Joe Biden is the next Dick Cheney. I can only assume that the comparison has something to do with the fact that Joe and myself both get more ass than a toilet seat, but the similarities end there. I mean come on; Joe’s baby kill count is still at zero!Biden is not the next Dick Cheney, but I’ll tell who is: Dick Cheney v2. Isn’t he striking? Of all the clones I’ve had made of myself, he is the crown Dick. He was a gift from a real hell-raiser OSS station chief; when I discovered him cloning the shit out of some Italian resistance soldiers in Anzio back in 1944, I asked him to make one of myself in exchange for my pledge to keep... Read more

Why am I bailing on Barack’s speech? Let me spin my roll-an-excuse wheel By Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:57:54 -0400

It would be an honor and a privilege to be on hand when Barack gives his historic acceptance speech tonight, but it's just not possible. Regrettably I have a dentist appointment that I’ve already pushed back several times. At my last teeth cleaning the hygienist suckered me into signing up for this 6-appointment gum treatment therapy. They showed me all these nasty pictures of people with weak gums and the long and the short of it, I’m up to appointment # 5. You wouldn’t want me to undue the other 4 treatments, would you?I can assure you it has nothing to do with leftover bitterness from the primary season.You see, in addition to the dentist, my best friend just got dumped by his girlfriend and he’s really down about it. I’m ... Read more

Relax Democrats, I promise not to fuck up too badly By Joe Biden

Joe Biden — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:52:47 -0400

I see a lot of uneasiness out there in the audience. I get the distinct impression you all think I'm going to ruin our chances with one minor slip of the tongue in my speech tonight. I only get that impression because you've told me so.Hey, chill out, bitches! I've been a politician for, like, 35 years! What could I possibly say to sound more like an obnoxious dickhead! Here's the 5 points I plan to cover in my speech: 1. John McCain's military service is pretty gay when you think about it: He finished 894th out of his naval class of 899. He got shot down over Vietnam. And then, although reports are sketchy, he started crying within 3 hours of being held captive. 2. Michelle Obama is a righteous babe: Perhaps you’ve seen my cooing, groveling prai... Read more

Truth or Dare is my favorite drinking make-out game By John Mayer

John Mayer — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:26:08 -0400

Nothing says "the breakup is over" like initiating a game of Truth or Dare while drinking. If I said I have not been calling up female friends to rig up some drinking games, I would be lying. There is a myriad of options to choose from, and here I've weighed the good and bad of each.Seven Minutes in Heaven:Why it's good: If you're like me, you're gotten the economy of closets down to a science. I can get a lot of play in seven minutes. Why it's bad: Claustrophobia. Also, it could be a misnomer if you get stuck with a fatty.Spin the Bottle: Why it's good: The game is environment friendly. You can use a recycled bottle.Why it's bad: if you're an open-minded liberal like myself, you don't want to say "no gay stuff" and still be taken seriously by the loose earthy girls. So... Read more

How I compose a song By Bjork

Bjork — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:56:37 -0400

Hver maður er borinn frjáls og jafn öðrum að virðingu og réttindum. In English this means that men and women are bðrn equal. And yet I loök at media like Iceland's newspaper, Grapevine, and even ðe hipster authority of Pitchfork, and this is not the case. Why else would they credit a man, Mr. Valgeir Sigurðsson, for writing and producing my album Vespertine than because of their sexism? I have already told my website, but now i tell my blog: Mr. Sigurðsson did not write or produce my album, I did. I write ðe words, and then I teach my computers to play ðe synth basslines over them. Next I ask my computers to teach ðe arrangements to ðe three bearded elves, who program ðe elec... Read more

5 ways I can subvert Obama tonight By Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:46:28 -0400

I'm the keynote speaker at the Convention tonight. And I'd be remiss if I didn't seize this opportunity to subvert Obama in subtle, passive-aggressive ways. Here are some I'm considering:1. Make a plea for unity to my disgruntled supporters. But do this with a contradictory, sly grin that says "please continue to stroke my petty ego."2. Continue the Reverend Jesse Jackson's flesh wound analogy ...“Yes, there’s some wounds. Yes, there’s some scabs. But sometimes, underneath a scab, there’s a little bit of pus, but we have to put some disinfectant on it so we that can heal the wound and move forward. That’s what the convention is about.”And other times decay and cell death can occur -- turning everything black and malodorous before an appendage i... Read more

Hey Rapper, be more famous if you're going to drop beats about me By John McCain

John McCain — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:33:31 -0400

My aides say there's a rap song about me. I have to admit I got excited. Finally the young people are on my side. This is just like when George Bush Sr. did that interview on MTV. That didn't hurt him, did it? Then I saw it: Hmm. Maybe I'm out of touch but I've never heard of this guy. So I asked a young person. Sean Hannity is the youngest person I know. He hasn't heard of this rapper Greg Reese either.And Greg Reese? Is that what these rappers are calling themselves now? What happened to names like Jam Master P? Or Puffy Shirt? Or Ice something? I thought all these guys were named Ice something. So I asked Sean to use a computer and see where this guy came from. He wrote a Barack Obama rap too. Thank you but no. I want someone who's on my side thank you very m... Read more

Paying $11 million to never hear from your father-in-law again is a great deal By Stephen Schwarzman

Stephen Schwarzman — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 09:17:58 -0400

Recently one of our star European executives was the victim of a strange blackmail scheme. Our man’s father-in-law demanded a total of $11 million in exchange for never contacting him or his wife ever again. Authorities charged the father-in-law and his lawyer with harassment.Despite its questionable legality, what’s not to like about that deal? I paid $125 million to the Jehovah’s Witnesses to keep them away from my property. I spent $10 million of my own money keeping trick-or-treaters away from my Park Avenue building last year. It was money well spent. Do you know how long it takes me, even using my Segway scooter, to get from my living room to the front door of my penthouse? I lose $4 million worth of my valuable time every time I go to the bathroom.Nuisances such as... Read more

Hot scoops that have nothing to do with my knee sack By Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 16:09:38 -0400

Dear Media Buttwipes:Here's an idea: How about you all shut your pie holes? I'm gosh darn sick of you asking me questions about my hurt knee. Just sick of it!But if you really are interested in my life, I've got some scoops for ya:- I'm getting ready to take a huge dump in Eli's bathroom. We're talking terd snake so long it's gonna stick out of the bowl! And if you think I'm flushing, you really are dumber than you look. - When Eli was 7, he took a dump the cat litter box. Momma made him scoop it out. (Now that's a scoop for ya!) - Ash says I have a big donk. But I think she's lying, because I have seen my donk compared to others in the locker room. Maybe this calls for an investigative piece?- When Eli gets home, and he sees the terd in his bowl, and he comes in to my room ... Read more

Biden's job is to make me look good By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:32:50 -0400

People are asking me, "Why did you choose Joe Biden to be your running mate? Isn't he the guy who was surprised you were clean and bright and articulate?" Well yes, but, that's not the point. The job of being vice president is like being a bridesmaid. He's not supposed to look good, he's supposed to make me look good. And one thing you can say about Joe Biden, when the guy walks in the room everybody else feels a little bit smarter. Joe finished 76th out of 85 students in his law school class and said that put him in the top half. Seriously. When I'm elected, Joe will carry my message to state funerals that I don't want to go to around the world. He's good at repeating other people's words. Like Neil Kinnock, the British politician whose speeches Joe copied, a... Read more

Nobody leaves Wesley Snipes off of a list By Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:40:04 -0400

Fondest greetings and salutations, bitches.I have just returned from Namibia, where I finished filming my latest masterpiece Gallowwalker. It's going to be the shit. It features me as a cowboy killer of the highest caliber. Let me now drip some story-lineal contextuals on your lips: As this tale for the ages goes, when my mother made a deal with the devil to save me, I was cursed for life. Now as a result of my demonically delicious disability, whenever I drop some motherfucker with my cattle-rustlin', ass bustin', six-gun Western barbecue style, shorty comes back…from the dead!That's right—I am so positively, unabashedly baddass that my victims have no choice but to get back up all confused and shit and be like "What the fuck was that?!".It's like when you wh... Read more

Trump University snubbed by the U.S. News for the last time By Donald Trump

Donald Trump — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:16:14 -0400

When the best school rankings came out this morning, I didn't want to look. For too many years Trump U has not only missed out on the top 5, but hasn't cracked the list altogether!But then I got a kick of optimism. We recently revamped our success stories page to include more testimonials from satisfied alums. And surely my extensive letter-writing campaign could only help:Dear Idiots, You suck! Here's an idea: stop being so terrible.-- The DonaldSo I got out a sheet a paper to cover up the lower names on the list, so I could dramatically reveal the selections one by one:#1 Harvard -- OK, probably a legacy pick. #2 Princeton -- East coast school. Heard of it. Some of these schools get picked for their large endowments instead of academics.But folks after that it got absur... Read more

I'm gonna beat the world record for best book By Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 11:12:14 -0400

I'm writing a book. About my Olympics. Sweet, right? Actually I wanted to write a steamy Civil War-era romance novel, chronicling the tale of a young woman torn between two lovers on opposite sides of the conflict, but my agent says stick to what I know ...Some people are surprised that I could have enough to say about the Olympics for an entire book considering I run out of things to say to Bob after one interview question.But doubt fuels me. Remember when those French assholes said they were going to smash us? Wait, forget that story because it probably will be half the book.All you need to know is I'm gonna dominate the shit out of this book. What's the record for best book? I'll beat it by 2 whole seconds I swear to God.Here's a brief chapter synopsis of the book:Chapter 1: Struggle, w... Read more

The future is here By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:23:15 -0400

Russia, Russia, Russia!What is so great about Russia? I want to know! They step their feet inside Georgia, and suddenly this is all anyone cares about? Perhaps I need to remind everyone that it used to be me that the world would flatter with their comparisons to Adolf Hitler; now it is Putin? WTF? I thought we had something special, but now this all just feels… cheap. Nations of the world, if you were awestruck with this child’s play in South Ossetia, just wait, um, approximately ten years! Because in just ten years time, Iran will send a man to – drum rollings please… SPACE! What, you are still not impressed? Well, let it be known that Iran has other things in the works that will inspire fear and admiration in every last one of you! Fo... Read more

Sadly I must decline this probable VP offer By Mr. T

Mr. T — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:14:04 -0400

It is with great, great regret that I am unable to accept this offer that you will no doubt be making to me any day now, Barack Obama. How do I know this offer is forthright? My qualification speak for themselves:T read that Obama is looking for someone with foreign policy heft, and T has extensive experience fighting the red threat in his action movies, television shows and public service announcements of the 80s. Another time T broadened his international horizons by taking a trip to Scandinavia cause he wanted to see those silly people walk around in those funny wooden shoes. (Going to the market sounded like a tap recital.)Security wherewithal? Ha! T laughs at the thought of having to explain how his fool-dropping, sucka-slapping, blockhead-busting moves would strengthen homeland secur... Read more

Batman is not an intelligent choice for a nemesis, Robert Downey Jr. By Christian Bale

Christian Bale — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:51:12 -0400

Last week, I came upon one such article that really furrowed my bat-brow. In an interview with some low class Internet film site called 'MovieHole', a possibly intoxicated and high Robert Downey Jr. had this to say about my latest masterwork: "My whole thing is that that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so fucking smart, I clearly... Read more

A dream with courage is innovation By Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:31:47 -0400

I invented something y'all! ... Vitamin Beer!This just goes to show I do my best thinking when having sex ... or should I say when doing sex acts ... or should I say when Tony tries to guilt me into performing a sex act.OK, so the other day we were getting frisky and he said: "Come on babe, you could use a little extra protein in your diet."Ewww! right?But then I was like if THAT can have nutritional value, then why not other things? So I tossed some ideas around: bacon grease moisturizer, insulin-rubbed ribs, fried water. I still couldn't come up with that golden idea and then I tripped and spilled my vitamin water into Tony's beer.And Tony was like, you just made vitamin beer. And I was all, "What's your point?"And he said, "Isn't this EXACTLY that stupid thing y... Read more

I've got the best idea for a movie! By Judd Apatow

Judd Apatow — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 11:10:00 -0400

Okay, so I got the idea for my next big film last night. I was hanging out with Seth and these other guys and we were just joking around right? Talking about shit and life and stuff… Normal stuff right? And we were like, we should just make a movie about us, about people like us? (Well people like Seth, but I count too.) So it’s going to be about this guy, or these two guys and they're total losers. They smoke pot a lot, or drink and don’t have a real job. Maybe they’re in high school or college, or maybe not at all … that doesn’t matter. But they love pot. And he (or they) are socially awkward right? Like they could not get a girl for the life of them … Or could they? Right? Right? You follow me? So they get a girl somehow, she’s drunk or... Read more

Wanna know my VP? Check my Twitter By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:33:56 -0400

The big news of course isn't which white guy I'm going to pick (Evan or Joe something or other), but the method we're letting supporters know: Before the papers report it, we're gonna hit you up with a text.I was gonna Twitter it, but then I decided Tumblr was a cleaner, easier-to-use platform. The problem is I haven't been on Tumblr very long, and I don't have many followers yet so I would come off as lame.I must admit my Facebook status update was also under consideration. But I didn't want to take down my current status update, which is pretty awesome: Barack is hoping for the weekend!So many social networking sites, so little time. But I'm not the first to use modern communication techniques to make major announcements:The first George Bush beeped all his supporters that he picked Quay... Read more

I am not a dusty cartoon horse By Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 11:08:28 -0400

Yesterday starts like any other day: I get up, put on me underwear, and go lookin’ for fags on the side of the highway. If there’s enough butt, I’ll smoke ‘em. By the way, to you yanks – I’m talking ‘bout cigarettes, not homosexuals… although in this case either works, yeah? So while I’m on me search, this car stuck in traffic is tuned to BBC Radio One, and what do I hear on there but cuntfaced Noel Gallagher going on about how Amy Winehouse is a dusty toon horse! Now I’m a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure is that I’m no dusty toon horse; I hate them buggers! Later when I’m telling me mates ‘bout it, they says he didn’t say dusty toon horse, he said destitute horse. Well that’s ... Read more

I'm lying about my age too By Bob Costas

Bob Costas — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:30:07 -0400

This Olympics has been marred by controversies about underage athletes. Little He Kexin (who's actually a she) and Jiang Yuyuan (pronounced "Cindy Smith"), are nowhere near 16 -- the minimum age to compete. How do I know? We ran them past R. Kelley. He said he was interested. But I cannot sit idly by while these young girls' lives are ruined by irresponsible writers who are actually following this story instead of reporting on the tearful triumph of overage superhot swimmer Dana Torres. Guys--where are your journalistic priorities? And to add a personal touch, as I always do when I look viewers directly in the eyes through the camera lens and turn on the charm, I have a confession to make: I too have lied about my age. I know -- my biography says I'm 55, but I've been living a li... Read more

It's not my fault this pine cone isn't soundproof By John McCain

John McCain — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:41:56 -0400

Friends, please believe me that we followed the cone of silence at Saturday's forum. We did not break any rules. Some of you may not have not heard of this term: "cone of silence." You may think we meant to say "code" of silence. Not so. Let me explain...It is quite literally a pine cone. You hold it close to your ear. It's out of your control what background noises are in the room -- be they sounds that are advantageous to your presidential campaign or not.As long as you hold the cone against your ear, (but not so close that the cone pushes the outside of your ear against your ear drum which would result in an unnatural deafening that would be against the spirit of the cone), then you've followed rules.I am told that little wood nymphs inside the ... Read more

Georgia is my bitch! By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 13:07:31 -0400

A lot has been made about me calling the shots instead of the man who is actually Russia's president. Well the truth is Medvedev just found out about the war a short while ago. I didn't want to interrupt his finger painting session. He had traced his hand with paint and was trying to tell me it was some sort of turkey. I wasn't buying it. I ripped up his painting, informed him about the war, and then he started crying. He was scared, but I calmed him down by promising him a vanilla shake. He did manage to make a good speech to the media on the crisis in Georgia. I am glad he is improving on his speech making capabilities. I just wish there was some way to cover up his drooling problem.Now the US has demanded that we withdraw our troops from Georgia. Yes! We will do that immediately! ... Read more

Sasquatch family wants our cousin's body back By Bigfoot

Bigfoot — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 11:35:01 -0400

Of course that body found in Georgia wasn't mine. Come on, guys! You know me. I'm more clever than that. I'm crafty. I know what I'm doing and when I go, I'm not going to leave my body in some place that guys like this can find me. If you find me, I want you to know it's cause I want to be found.So when these guys start parading around this other sasquatch body, claiming it's mine, I get upset. I get annoyed. I get ANGRY, OK? That's not me. I don't even LIKE Georgia. I'm more of an northern Apalachia kind of wood-ape.That's my cousin Denise.Denise was never the smartest of the sasquatch family. Her IQ was well below what we consider that of a functioning adult. She learned a bit about hiding, but only about as much as a four-year-old would have. As sasquatches, that's sor... Read more

Alicia Sacramone, been watchin' ya bend that body like macaroni By Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:53:27 -0400

Straight outta tha Olympic Village ghetto …Off tha 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics Soundtrack ... this is the Remix:Alicia Sacramone,Been watching you bend that body round the beam like macaroni,And I just gotta tell you that your shit is tight,And if it's alright,I'm gonna freak you like a wild dangerous Olympic pony I saw it on my HD plasma screenWhen you landed on that ass when you fell from the balance beamAnd the only thing that I could think to do,Was try to catch you,But I could not, it was just a high-definition dreamSo I took my private jet out to BeijingThinkin' bout that butt in red spandex make me wanna singSo I'm just askin' round the whole Olympic villageCuz I wanna pillage,And give that little gymnast body some Championship Olympic boningAlicia Sacram... Read more

Whoever picked that lame Jackson Browne song is fired By John McCain

John McCain — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:35:43 -0400

Okay, some staffer just handed me a story about how I'm being sued by Jackson Browne because we used "Running on Empty" in one of my ads.I have two questions. One who picked a lame Jackson Browne song? Because whoever did is fired.And two--do I care what Jackson Browne thinks? I spent five and a half years in a Viet Cong prison camp. Do you think I'm gonna get upset because the King of Southern California Wimp Rock got his feelings hurt?Let me tell you--being attacked by someone like Jackson Browne is a politician's dream. I'm looking down the list of losers he's backed since he turned "political". Al Gore and John Kerry. Like I say, this is money in the bank. If I knew where to find the internet, I'd put this up on my websit... Read more

Enough pecker coverage, NBC! By Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:08:28 -0400

News item directed at NBC: I am tired of looking at Michael Phelps' pecker.Who's with me? The guy is, like, a good swimmer, OK? But, Jimminy Crickets, that doesn't mean that, while recovering from my injured knee and watching 24-hour coverage of the Olympics, I want to be forced to look at the outline of that kid's donk in one of those disgusting Speedo suits every three minutes. This touches on a common issue in sports: The Pecker Issue. Daddy always said to me, "Son, seeing a man's pecker is just a part of sports." And I get that. When I see a man's pecker in the locker room, I hit him with a rat tail or I give him a noogie.But Michael Phelps is on TV and I can't give him a noogie, and also he's a swimmer. I don't want to see his pecker! It's time for change, NBC... Read more

I warned you, Bigfoot By Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 11:59:01 -0400

So they found the body of Bigfoot in a freezer. Let that be a lesson to all you mythological creatures. When you borrow money from me, I expect it back.Last month Bigfoot comes up to me. He says he’s having a slow month, could I help? I say, “What do you need? You want to meet with some producers? Talk to my agent? Work on my house?” I got gutters you wouldn’t believe.He says, “I need $100,000 dollars.” Won’t tell me what’s it’s for. I should have seen the warning signs. He’s on smack. But, for the kids, I give him the money. He promises two weeks.So two weeks go by, wouldn’t you know, no Bigfoot. His cellphone goes straight to voicemail, my emails get bounced back ... real high school crap. I go looking for him, no add... Read more

It's senior prank time! By George W. Bush

George W. Bush — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 11:32:27 -0400

One of the best parts of being a lame-duck president is senior pranks. I looked it up in my Mr. Peanut Presidents of the United States Coloring Book. In the last year of your presidency, you're allowed to pull senior pranks on the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.It took me a long time to complete my presidency, so I'm chompin' at the bit. A lot of guys like my dad finish their presidency in four years. I needed eight years, but so did Bill Clinton and everybody thinks he's smart.Anyway, Congress is on vacation until September, and the Supreme Court doesn't get back to work until the first Monday in October. Talk about lazy government employees! Here's what I have in mind.For Nip 'n Tuck Pelosi, I'm thinkin... Read more

Congratulations Ed McMahon, you may already be a winner! By Donald Trump

Donald Trump — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:52:18 -0400

Dear ED MCMAHON, You have been selected by DONALD TRUMP as eligible to win the FORECLOSURE CLEARINGHOUSE!!! Grand prize winners enjoy rescue from financial ruin because DONALD TRUMP will buy your home and rent it back to you at a reasonable rate as determined by DONALD TRUMP. To secure your chance to KEEP YOUR HOME and avoid the unpleasantries of life as a STREET PERSON at your ADVANCED AGE you must complete and return this entry form by MIDNIGHT. No purchase is necessary, but by entering this drawing you will be subscribed to DONALD TRUMP'S free monthly newsletter, DONALD TRUMP MONTH, plus his free weekly bulletin, DONALD TRUMP WEEKLY, and an introductory subscription to his daily update, DONALD TRUMP TODAY, for which you will be charged only $49.95/day following a 12-hour free trial. GOO... Read more

People who make fun of 'tards are the real retards By Britney Spears

Britney Spears — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:31:44 -0400

Know what? Starting now I’m gonna try to get out and see more movies, you guys. I’m funny like that sometimes; I’ll just decide to start doin’ something even though I don’t really know why I’m doin’ it. Last month it was shopping for goldfish and eating tons of baby food; this month it’s movies. It’s like I’m Siskel and Ebert or something, LOL!I was thinkin’ I could maybe see Tropic Thunder, but now I’m hearing that this movie makes fun of retards, y’all. So I guess the movie people are all like “We’re allowed to joke about tards ‘cause this is like a satire or whatever.” But I don’t think satire is funny if it makes fun of stuff. And anyway, the thing about retarded people... Read more

Hey Spaniards, we just released a photo mocking you! By Hu Jintao

Hu Jintao — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:37:04 -0400

Everyone is talking about the racist photo that the Spanish basketball team took at our expense:What you may not know is that we Chinese have retaliated with a photo of us looking Spanish:Yao Ming is eating paella. What a humorous amalgam of mismatched seafood! Did you guys decide to create a dish based on everything that your fishing nets scrapped up?Yi Jianlian is out clubbing, presumably at a late hour -- perhaps approaching dawn. He will be groggy and unprepared for tomorrow's work day. Ha!Sun Yue is holding his hair back in a pony tail. Yes his new do may highlight his dark eyes and sexy lips, but at what costs? I'll tell you at what costs: Sun will now be laughed all the way out of his executive meeting at his electronics mega-corp.And then there is Wang Lei performing... Read more

Jennifer Aniston, you will always be the celebrity starlet that got away By John Mayer

John Mayer — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:42:12 -0400

Jennifer,I know you're out there. Stop hiding. Please return my calls. I didn't get to finish my sentence. I said, "Hearing about your biological clock and that all your friends are married is a waste of time. I think we should break up..." And at this, you stormed out. What I didn't get to say was..."the party invitations between the two of us so that we could get them mailed out faster." The invitations don't get mailed on their own.In June, we went through the same ordeal. You stormed out after I said, "I think we should see other people" but what i didn't get to finish saying was "that live greener lifestyles." Remember it was after I had read that article on carbon footprints and we went to Courtney Cox's for that dinner party, and she didn... Read more

Please HELP me!!! By Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin

Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:17:18 -0400

Hello. I would like to take this opportunity to say that we Chinese gymnasts are exactly the same as you regular people.Like you, as soon as we build up the muscles in our baby necks to support the weight of our heads, we are torn away from our parents and sent to a camp to learn double twists and front pike somersault dismounts.That is what happens to you regular people too, right? To be honest, of late I've been questioning this. If all the people in the world were gymnasts, then who would till the fields, drive the buses, be loved and raised by parents?Is love the right word? Does it mean "tolerate and commit an act of violence no more than once a day?" You must excuse my imprecise diction, only a few weeks ago was I permitted to use sentences that didn’t contain the wor... Read more

Please, get away from the stage. Seriously. By Thom Yorke

Thom Yorke — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:43:15 -0400

I haven't been blogging in a bit, folks, because I've been a bit depressed. And I hate to say it, but it's because of our fans. We've been playing some big festivals lately, and lots of folks are coming to see us, which is fine, but they tend to get a bit close to the stage. They crowd around the stage and scream at us, and the young ladies say, "We love you Thom!"Excuse me, but I don't even know you, certainly not well enough to reciprocate any kind of feeling you have towards me. And unless I'm mistaken, you don't know me, except through the lyrics of my songs, which I daresay you don't understand if you think I would enjoy having a large mass of humanity near me.Seriously, we put amps on the stage so we'll be sufficiently loud enough for you to hear us quite wel... Read more

White chicks love Obama, why does that make me a bad guy? By John McCain

John McCain — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 08:50:29 -0400

Friends, my esteemed opponent is a good-looking man. I would call him handsome, even gorgeous. You just look into those eyes of his, that presidential chin, and you can just lose yourself in his beautiful, beautiful promises of ending war and solving the energy crises if we only pump our tires up.So in no way was my new campaign ad attacking him. My advertising people merely innocently asked some attractive young white women what they thought of Obama, and they replied that they loved his "aura," his "soft eyes," and wanted him to "ride me all night long while reading his 2004 Democratic National Convention speech." (That last one we didn't put in the ad.) Heck, it's a compliment. I'm just saying he has lots and lots of young white women who would be his group... Read more

You best be stopping this 'Sam Jack is gonna die' bullshit right now By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:21:32 -0400

I tried to take the high road with the recent deaths of my got-damn co-stars, but there’s some rumors hitting the internet I think I best address. Rumor has it I'm gonna die as dead as Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes. I'm in Hollywood, got-dammit; rumors become reality real got-damn quick.Some motherfuckers out there have thrown me into the dead betting pool and are waiting for my black ass to drown. Well, I ain’t about to fucking die, so take your damn bets off the table before I hunt each and every one of you motherfuckers down and personally punch you in your face til you bleed from your asshole. That clear enough for you?Like I said yesterday, my wife hooked me up with twenty different doctors in L.A., including her damn gynocologist who needs to be warming up his got-damn finge... Read more

5 things I hate about my new team By Brett Favre

Brett Favre — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:44:19 -0400

Jesus Christ, I'm old. I don't have time for this shit. My ass hurts, it feels like I gotta take a piss every three minutes, and some rookie just asked for my autograph. Not to mention this new goddamn team I'm on. And this new goddamn blog, which is part of my new goddamn contract. While I'm on the subject, here are some other things that are bugging me so far here in my new goddamn home:5. The Goddamn media. In Green Bay, we had a strict policy: the media does not exist. Literally. Now, Jesus H., some Rico with a pen is wondering if I'm going to get hurt in the first week of the season. Hey Rico! Brett Favre doesn't get hurt! 4. All my new "teammates" want me to do my "There's Something About Mary" lines. And then they want to mispronounce my last name. Yeah, that's ... Read more

Pineapple Express nearly cost me everything By David Hasselhoff

David Hasselhoff — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:31:02 -0400

Dudes. Seriously. This is completely tweaked. I was in my car in the mall parking garage getting high out of my flipping brain last weekend when who should I see but my boss from "America's got Talent!"I know, right? But wait, it gets worse.I admit, I was brain-addled -- after all, I was there to see Pineapple Express. I thought it would be wise to jump out of the car, stroll on up with my lungs full of quality smoke and say, "How ya doin?"Bad idea. Scared the bejeezus out of her with my coughing fit. I asked her if I might accompany her to see Pineapple Express seeing as how neither of us had a date.Guess what?! She was there to see something else! Space Chimps. "That looks stupid," I said. "Come see Pineapple Express with yours truly."I don't remem... Read more

A typical day in the life of John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston By John Mayer

John Mayer — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:15:51 -0400

I think the current pulse of the nation, and of Live Nation, is that everyone wants honesty out of their favorite musicians and celebrities. So here it is: the daily routine that US Weekly would have paid good money for, but I'm presenting to you, for free.9:00 AM - We both wake up. Jennifer yawns and covers her breath. I keep telling her that bad breath is natural. She goes to brush her teeth. She does this naked, by the way.9:30 AM - Breakfast is delivered in bed by my butler, who is a also a Rick Astley look-alike for a second job on the weekends. He brings us toast, omelets, orange juice, tea, coffee, and Swedish Fish. Jennifer eats breakfast in bed naked.9:31 AM - The subject of marriage comes up. I wait silently until she changes the subject.9:32 AM - The subject of having babie... Read more

I'm completely out of sports cliches By Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:01:35 -0400

Last night’s win truly proved you win as a team and lose a team. Both teams were playing on a high level, but something had to give.It was war out there. We knew this would be no cakewalk. I'm proud of this team. We showed a lot of heart. We definitely brought our A game.I think we proved once and for all, you don’t win a race on paper. On any given day any team is capable of beating another team. Last night the breaks went our way.But give the French team a lot of credit. We beat a very good squad today. In the end, we did our talking in the pool. We gave 110% effort, left everything in the water and took care of business. ... Read more

Oh cut me some slack, the cancer was in remission! By John Edwards

John Edwards — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 10:13:42 -0400

Before you get all critical of me for having an affair with a campaign worker while my wife had breast cancer, listen to my side of the story.First of all, the cancer was in remission. That means it was getting better!Second, I would be one egg-sucking dog if I had sex with a mistress while my wife was sick. I know that's inconsistent with what I just said, but I get to do that because I'm a lawyer.Third, my wife had gained like twenty pounds lyin' around the hospital doing chemotherapy. They apparently have not developed "lite" chemicals for this therapy.Fourth, my mistress Rielle Hunter had only voted like twice in her whole life! She was disenfranchised. That's the kind of ordinary people who got excited about my candidacy. It wasn't her fault they kept holding elect... Read more

Isaac and Bernie: RIP, Motherfuckers By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 09:37:37 -0400

Got-damn, this has been a hard motherfucking weekend.See, I just wrapped a movie, due out in the fall, called Soul Men. My co-stars in that movie are Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes. Both those motherfuckers died suddenly this weekend.For the record, my wife’s currently on the phone with every got-damn doctor in L.A. getting me appointments for physicals, colonoscopies, angiograms, eye and teeth check-ups, and even her got-damn gyno.Ain’t nothing funny about these deaths. Both those motherfuckers were at the top a very short got-damn list of people I admire. Bernie was a funny-ass motherfucker, and Isaac was so cool he made ol' Sam Jack look as lame as David fucking Hasselhoff.Death ain’t something I think about--which you can tell when you watch my on-screen de... Read more

Whoops! I accidentally started a war By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:15:23 -0400

Here's how it happened: Medvedev and I were having some fun in the military room -- throwing each other into things -- when I accidentally smashed his face into the missile control panel. I continued smashing Dmitry's face about six times before I realized his nose kept hitting the war plane activation button. Long story short, we just bombed Georgia. Now Georgia is crying to the the world. "Help us! Help us! Russian aircrafts bombed us!" Their nose is running like a tiny baby's. They have pooped their diaper out of shock. They turn to suckle upon their mother's breast, instead they only find my razor sharp nipples. All the world leaders are too involved in watching the women's gymnastics to listen to your country's pathetic cries. (Shout out to my ... Read more

Don't believe the media's lies, we aren't hosting any Olympics By Hu Jintao

Hu Jintao — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:19:22 -0400

Have you caught it? The Olympic fever. You get it from breathing this toxic Bejing air. Zing! That was a joke told to me by assistant health inspector Zhang Lin.Kidding. Everyone knows our air is as pure as the sweet breath of a precious child sledding on a chilly wintry day. And I just checked and can't find a record of any assistant health inspector named Zhang Lin so I must have imagined that joke in my head. How silly!There are a few other news stories I'd like to comment on:'Lost Boy' of Sudan to serve as U.S. Olympic FlagbearerFirst of all can we stop calling them Lost Boys? They've all been found by now, or eaten by lions. And it doesn't seem fair that the Americans are cherry-picking African long distant runners. If anything he should be on our team. Without China blocking rescue e... Read more

Screw the middleman, we're buying AIDS By Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:16:37 -0400

Brad and I sold photos of our newborn twins for 14 million, and so far we’ve told people that we’re going to donate the money to an AIDS charity. Well, after considering a number of likely AIDS relief organizations, we decided to just cut out the middleman and buy AIDS outright.‘We can keep them in the garage, next to my boogie boards,’ Brad suggested this morning, over coffee and placenta. ‘That way, they won’t claim the lives of innocents AND they might just keep my hands off of those fabulous foam pleasure boards for more than five minutes!’While I do believe that Brad needs to cut back on boogying, I don’t think that it’s worth it for him to risk exposure to full-blown AIDS. So I’ve decided that we’l... Read more

Morgan and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week By Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:36:05 -0400

What the fuck?Maybe I haven’t checked my calendar in a while; is it National Flush Morgan Freeman’s Life down the Goddamn Toilet of Life Week already?Let’s see; it’s only Thursday and already I’ve:1) been pulled out of a car wreck by the jaws of life2) broken an arm3) undergone a five hour surgery4) been served my divorce papers by my wife of 24 years I don’t know what kind of shit-ass apocalyptic nightmare weekend is in store for me, but I do know one thing: Morgan 'bout to murder somebody.... Read more

Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time? By David Hasselhoff

David Hasselhoff — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 11:20:13 -0400

Cough. Erm. Blecchhh. Arrrum. Ugh. Ooh. I didn't know it was possible to be hungover and drunk at the same time.Hey honey, go get that camera you used that one time when daddy was drunk. Remember, the time I was so into that awesome sandwich you thought I was drunk? You put it up all over the world wide net?C'mon, lighten up. Don’t look at me like that! And while you’re at it, don’t talk to me like that. I'm just a little -- hic! -- inebriated.What do you mean I’m gonna get "fired" if my blood tests positive for alcohol? Fired from which show? Knightwatch or whatever?“America’s Got Talent?” That's a dumb name. What’s that supposed to mean, anyway? America doesn’t have any talent. Not anymore. I’m the last of the song and... Read more

Between the rich white guy and the attention whore, I don't know who I love more! By Donald Trump

Donald Trump — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:09:23 -0400

Folks, this is going to be a very exciting election, for me. People are asking who I will endorse. I'm telling you, this is an even more difficult decision than whether to fire Omarosa or put her in charge of the Trump Taj Mahal (or as I privately call it, "the Dump Taj Mahal").I love white men. I love white men of a certain age, because I am of a certain age, although not quite that certain of an age. I love rich men who are also white and of a certain age. It's a no brainer -- McCain's my guy.I love a man who knows how to find every camera and get his mug in front of it. I love a guy with the confidence to preen in front of tremendous crowds. I love a guy unafraid to brag about his rising star on a daily basis. It's a no brainer -- Obama's my guy.Wow, I just real... Read more

This is what I want for my next birthday By John Mayer

John Mayer — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:11:06 -0400

My birthday is almost 2 months away, which means it's not too late to tell everyone. I'm only getting on here and telling people, because I've been getting asked a lot lately. So, Rob and Big, since you asked the other day, this is your chance to jot down what I want. For the cake, I want this cake that I had at Fergie and Josh Duhamel's housewarming party. I don't know what it was, but it had diamonds in the middle. A layer of gold coated the whole cake. It didn't taste very good, but the diamonds and the gold were pretty cool. A PETA demonstration somewhere nearby. The bands I want playing are O.A.R. or Mark McGrath. But if it's Mark McGrath, then Ryan Seacrest can't be invited. They're really competitive and usually when they're together it ends in someone breaking a... Read more

Curse this cheap ass GPS! I am not hiding, I am lost! By Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 13:19:59 -0400

You all seem to think I am eluding your most advanced efforts. American military cannot find me. Pakistan military cannot find me. Morgan Spurlock cannot find me. You know who else has no stinking idea of where I am? ME!This GPS that was given to me by Salim Ahmed Hamdan, my former driver and spiritual brother, Praise be Him, is a useless piece of shit. No wonder he never could deliver me anywhere on time! I follow the directions to the main Pakistan highway, I wind up in a lake. I do a search for ATM, it sends me to a Dunkin Donuts. Feh! Their munchkins are more dry than falafels.Oh look, now it say my map is out of date and I must pay for new map. Your old map was no good! Why is new map going to be better? Screw this.... Read more

Is this a world I want to raise my nuclear weapons in? By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:46:22 -0400

The current events these days! The world is going straight to hell, am I correct?All of the kiddings aside, I have been watching the news, and it almost makes a man wonder if this is the kind of world he wants to raise his nuclear weapons in. The Western world powers, they recently sent me another plea to halt my nuclear program in exchange for thoughtless incentives, as they habitually do. Normally, I would be delighted for another opportunity to send my mixing of messages -- alternating between ostensible cooperation and world-threatening belligerence is my middle name (more kiddings - my middle name is Tim).When I received this incentive offer, however, I had to hesitate in my response. Maybe I should discontinue my nuclear program? The recent news from the West has tempered my desire t... Read more

New swing demographic: bitchin' biker babes By John McCain

John McCain — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:20:55 -0400

My campaign is all about reaching out to people who are looked down upon by my skinny opponent, who actually asked a farmer if he'd gone into Whole Foods lately and checked the price of arugula. The farmer said he hadn't seen any since The Return of Godzilla, in which Arugula was defeated in an epic tag-team match with Rodan and Mothra.No, the reason I'm going to win this thing is that Obama doesn't understand ordinary Americans. People like I met at a giant motorcycle rally in Sturgis, South Dakota the other day. Good hard-working folks like the guy with the pony-tail and the snake eyes tattoo named "Pig Pen" and his old lady, Wanda. Pig Pen is a, well he didn't actually say what he does for a living, but he struggles to make ends meet what with gas at $4 a g... Read more

Top six actors I refuse to act with By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:48:15 -0400

Recently some dude asked me what it was like to be in a movie with Keanu Reeves. I’ll skip to where the motherfucker admitted he thought I was Laurence got-damn Fishburne. Like I'd ever been in a movie with Keanu Reeves. Keanu says his lines like they’re being telegraphed directly into his got-damn brain by an arthritic Morse code agent. I’d more likely appear in a movie with the corpse of Nipsey Russell. So I made a list of the top six actors I will never work with. I'll spare you the got-damn suspense and just tell you that Keanu is number fucking one.6. Barbra Streisand. Look, bitch, I get it. You got a good got-damn voice that you keep fucking up by never shutting the hell up. Hey, I respect your politics and I respect your diva ‘tude, but got-damn, lady, if you... Read more

The only "power failure" worth talking about is the one in Rupert Murdoch's wanker By Barry Diller

Barry Diller — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:07:56 -0400

There's a pissy little rumor going around about my company, InterActiveCorp. Reports have surfaced that a power failure has shut down operations in my steadfast West Side Highway headquarters, screwing productivity and killing a night's worth of juicy profits that I rake in when I rent out the downstairs event space. I know what they'll be saying:1) that I'm a cheapskate who doesn't pay the bills2) that I'm a moron who hires people who don't pay the bills3) that I'm a hippie who wants to "conserve energy" (oh HELL no)4) or that I'm a masochist who wanted to play a cruel prank on my lazy maintenance staff by peeing all over the circuit breakers after an eight-martini lunch at Del Posto with Eddie Bronfman.Actually, that last one might be kind of true. So I'm going to distract... Read more

I'm not racist, I passed the home racism test By Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:14:53 -0400

It's hard to believe that just eight short years ago I was America's first black president, and now I'm being called a racist. Just because I sent my grandma "Mammaw" a funny postcard showing a stereotypical black boy eating watermelon, does that make me a racist? Heck, no. So I decided to take a home racism test, sort of like a home pregnancy test, to see if I'm a racist. And I'm happy to report that the results came back negative. Here's how I did:Play saxophone? Yes, 5 points. Sound more like Boots Randolph than Charlie Parker, deduct three points.Eat fast food? Yes, 5 points. Jog there instead of driving Cadillac Escalade, deduct two points.Raised by single mom? Yes, 5 points. Single mom white, deduct one point.Wife has big booty? Yes, 5 points.&... Read more

My pursuit of the rare Bostonian running WASP By Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 09:49:39 -0400

Runaway kidnapper CLARK ROCKEFELLER has been caught and is on his way back to Boston to face prosecution. The SCUMBAG kidnapped his seven-year-old daughter during a supervised parental visit on July 27 and made it all the way to Baltimore before setting off a NATIONAL MANHUNT. I'm proud to say I had a significant role in catching this creep, since I went on a VIGILANTE MISSION to track him down myself.JULY 28 -- I drop the twins off in one of the many panic rooms we have installed in our Atlanta home. JULY 29 -- I arrive in Boston. I put my hair into pigtails and pose as Reigh Boss's daughter to search for clues. I am detained for a few hours in the dementia ward of Boston Children's Hospital before I shoot my way out. Rockefeller isn't here -- I head out of town, but never one to miss out... Read more

Barack Obama is trying to steal my aging magic By John McCain

John McCain — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:14:25 -0400

It's August 4th which makes today a very special day for a certain Democratic candidate. That's right, Barack Obama turns forty seven today, and I call shenanigans. Why, you ask? Well it's pretty clear, my friends, that Barack is staging this whole "celebration" to try and snag some of my magic.Getting older, Barack? Very original. We both know where you got that from. It's obvious that you've seen my cunning strategy of aging before the public eye and you want some of this for yourself. Well I'll tell you this, the American People know who the real aging candidate in this election is. So happy God damn birthday, Barack Obama. Just know that you're never going to get to my level of ancient. Well, you probably will. You're a politician with... Read more

Brangelina Twins are pretty funny looking By William Shatner

William Shatner — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:25:45 -0400

So the first pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins have been released. And I must say I'm not impressed.Vivienne is not even smiling. You're on stage, dear. Embrace the spotlight. And the boy? The less said about him, the better. I don't think that kid could deliver a line reading if you fed him every word.This is a dog eat dog business. In my 72 years of experience I've learned that if you don't work for the people, the people won't work for you. Cheer up, children. You just had a birthday. Show the crowd your pearly whites. In this picture I can't even see your teeth.Honestly, is this the best we could do? The genes of the two most gorgeous people in Hollywood combine to make this? One shudders to think what the offspring of Angelina and Billy Bob Thorton would have produced. ... Read more

Five ways to show you've finally lost it By Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:43:42 -0400

Probably the most common thing people ask me is "Phil, what can I do to appear as batshit crazy as possible so my step grandmother will get out of my grill?" As a registered psychologist, it is unethical of me to recommend pretending to be loony. But take this list as a wink and turn the other way...1. Limit all speech to the expression “Daddy likey,” which should be used to respond to any and all situations. This method will prove particularly effective for schoolteachers and elderly women. 2. Panties on head, knife in teeth, and clown makeup applied chaotically to face, head over to the high school for tennis tryouts. Sometimes it’s best to stick with a classic.3. In your straightjacket, rock back and forth and laugh maniacally from the cor... Read more

Hear me: I am NOT a Montauk Monster! By Montauk Monster

Montauk Monster — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:02:54 -0400

Ladies and Gentlemen, I implore you: I am NOT a monster! I am nothing of the sort!On Tuesday, Gawker published this post about me. Now, I didn't get to read it that day for a number of reasons:My Wi-Fi was out. (Thanks a lot, Time Warner.)My deformed hand-claws are too clumsy to operate an iPhone.I don't read Gawker -- most of the time I find it masturbatory and insular.So yesterday, my buddy Karl calls me up, and he's like, "Bro, have you seen this?" and I'm like, "Seen what?" So I emerge from my pitch-dark underwater lair, hobble on my four hoof-legs of different lengths across the beach to the Montauk Public Library, leaving a trail of plasmic discharge from my twelve anuses. As soon as I log in at one of their terminals it's "Montauk Monster" this and &quo... Read more

I have the race card and I'm not letting it go for nothing By Al Sharpton

Al Sharpton — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 12:06:18 -0400

If you've been following the presidential race the last couple days, you've no doubt noticed all this talk about race cards. First Barack's camp accused McCain of using it. Then McCain countered by saying that Barack was actually the one playing the race card.How can all these people have race cards in their possessions? The answer: they don't. There's only one and I have it:If there were multiple race cards the article before race card would be "a" as in "Barack is playing a race card." But the "the" proves there is only one. It's a very powerful card. Kind of like the queen of diamonds in hearts times 10. Maybe times 100. And these candidates want me to just let them have it?I'm not unreasonable. I would consider trading it for a bounty recompense to the awe... Read more

An open letter to Darren Aronofsky By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 11:37:33 -0400

So I hear Darren Aronofsky has been recruited to direct the next robocop sequel. I had wanted to film that movie myself actually. What cred does Aronofsky have? His previous films Pie, Requiem for a Dream and the Fountain don't have a single cybernetic organism in the entire films. He won't be able to handle the material with the respect it deserves. I have written an open letter to this filmmaker, reprinted below for my blog fans. (NOTE: In it I write that I'm a big fan of his previous films. This is a lie, but I know this is a great way to open someone up to listen to what you have to say.)Dear Aromofsky,Hi. It's me Vladimir Putin, ruler of Russia. How is everything going? Okay. I am a BIG fan of your previous films. I recently learned that you are going to direct the next Robocop. I am ... Read more

More breaking news: I also love being happy By Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:58:46 -0400

There's a lot of important stuff going on in the world right now. But surely this headline grabbed your attention more than the others: "Jessica Simpson loves to be in love."And who said all news is bad news!?Many of you probably thought I just liked being in love, and others may have even thought I was indifferent towards love (rumors! AGH!). But the truth is out and everyone is talking about it.If only everyone else in the news could catch my lovebug:Bear Stuck In Jug Is Shot. Maybe if he loved the jug more it would have released him.Bus Passenger Beheads Seat Mate. I've never ridden on public transportation before, but it seems like a better place to fall in love with a handsome stranger than to get killed!Yes, It's a 44 pound cat. I don't know about love.... Read more

About that seahorse-panther with 14 vaginas ... By Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:02:56 -0400

When I saw that the media has begun writing about certain video game users creating pornographic characters, I thought I had better go public before the accusations begin. And so, my statement: I am not, nor have I ever been, a creator of sporn. I can just see folks, upon glimpsing a picture of an exquisitely enormous-breasted transvestite wildebeest made in the Spore’s “Creature Creator” program, and jumping to conclusions. “This is clearly the work of Morgan Freeman,” they’ll surely say. Well, let’s not spread rumors before we have the facts, is what I would say to that. Have I created creatures using the program in question? Most certainly. Perhaps you have seen my manatee king, with propellers for legs – his... Read more

Me to Green Bay for Bret Favre and cash! By Manny Ramirez

Manny Ramirez — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:47:10 -0400

I've been in America a long time, and I know there's no law to stop the Red Sox from trading me to the Green Bay Packers. Therefore, I am requesting such a trade.But I am not done yet. Here are some other trades I recommend the Red Sox make:1. David Ortiz to Dominican Republic for my favorite cousin, Omar: Sorry, David. But my cousin and I love to play parcheesi together, and he is being denied a Visa. Plus, you stole my hair-scrunchy for the last time.2. Curt Schilling to Hell for Satan: Because Curt Schilling talks shit about me, and Satan is younger, quieter, and pitches more shutouts. 3. Red Sox locker room to Harlem YMCA for their locker room: Because they probably have less mildew, feces and stench of failure.4. Red Sox owner John Henry to Russia for Vladamir Putin:... Read more

I'm tired of being compared to influential black figures By Britney Spears

Britney Spears — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 10:48:48 -0400

Honestly I'm sick of it, y'all. How many black guys are you going to compare me to?I feel like my life consists of having sex with my body guads, making sure my kids aren't dead, then disproving that I'm an influential and historically significant black guy.First it was Frederick Douglas, and I had to prove that I'm functionally illiterate. (I write my blog posts in elbow macaroni and my assistant translates.) Then it was W.E.B. Du Bois, and I had to show that I only had a supporting role in creating the N.A.A.C.P. And after that Malcolm X. But y'all know I would never recommend becoming militant to achieve one's means.The only similarity that I can see between Barack and me -- and this is a stretch -- we have similar ideas about social security reform.... Read more