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Obamatrons are dangerous! By Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:26:21 -0400

Pleasure your woman with big-ticket appliances! By Pope Benedict XVI

Pope Benedict XVI — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 11:46:00 -0400

Okay, I admit it. It was me who ghost-wrote the article in L'Osservatore Romano that said it was the washing machine, not "The Pill", that really liberated women. Sort of Holy Ghost-wrote it, if you know what I mean.Lotsa people, they say "Hey Pope--whadda you know about women, huh?" To these people I say--I could take everything you know about women, stick it in my navel and still have room for some belly button lint--capiche?I don't know what it is--chicks dig big appliances! Ask a woman which she'd rather have, sex or a new top-loading Maytag, and be ready to hand her the fabric softener. It's unreal.Other people say--"Pope, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rule!" To these people I say--lose the bogus Italian accent already. I'm German!<... Read more

4 ways to be safe this Ides of March By Howie Mandel

Howie Mandel — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 10:28:18 -0400

Can I get a shout out from all the sports fans across America? This is the one weekend of the year that was created for them. Yes, that's right. March Madness: the popular sport of avoiding tragic downfall on the Ides of March.Here are 4 easy steps to avoid demise this March 15th.1) Avoid your best friend that has that look of treachery gleaming in his eye. You know that friend who is jealous of you and you've always suspected might one day shiv you in the side. This day was created for that purpose, so turn down his invitation of "Denny's on him". He might as well say meet me on the steps of Congress. (Side note: it may be advisable to avoid anyone that has a look of treachery in their eyes.2) Protect your ears! Another popular method of assassination is getting poison poured do... Read more

Why I Hate America By Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 10:14:33 -0400

It was my Birthday, yesterday -- not that you noticed. No cards, no letters, nobody even hit up my secret facebook page! I don't have a single comment on my wall! What the fuck, people?Maybe you should think sometimes, okay? I'm fifty two years old. I don't need a lot for my birthday. I'm not asking for aything fancy (though I've been looking through the Rolex catalogue lately... pretty nice), frankly, I'm at that age where I don't really know what I'd ask you for anyway. All I want for my birthday is a little acknowledgement. "Hey Osama! Happy 52!" Would that have been so hard? "And you smell like one too! Just kidding, man! Happy B-Day!!" That would have done the job. But nothing. ... Read more

Obama is my boyfriend By Nancy Pelosi

Nancy Pelosi — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:28:21 -0400

Fight Club 2 By Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:27:59 -0400

Brad and I have been researching homes for the mentally disabled that might be a good fit for our daughter Shiloh, as we suspect that she’s retarded. (She refuses to call Cheetos by their proper name but says ‘Cheetoths’ instead, and indeed insists on pronouncing all ‘s’ sounds as if they were written as a ‘th’; she consistently reads words backwards; she refuses to hear what anyone says if they address her from her right side). In the course of our research we were horrified to discover that seven employees in one of our preferred homes for the mentally disabled have been suspended for allegedly staging a "fight club" among residents. Brad was so upset.You see, Brad hates to hear about fight clubs because it reminds him of the film. Pred... Read more

Taking the G.O.P. to the streets By Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:58:58 -0400

It's a recession--we're all cutting back By Alex Rodriguez

Alex Rodriguez — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 12:17:44 -0500

You know, with the richest contract in baseball history, some people think I've got it made. Let me tell you, $27.5 million a year doesn't go as far as it used to.I've cut back on a lot of things. Tipping clubhouse boys at out-of-town ballparks is one area where I think I can save money this season, especially at National League stadiums during interleague play. I see those guys maybe once every five years--if they're lucky.Another cost-saving measure I picked up in this month's Penny Saver magazine, which I stole from my dentist's office--QVC! You can get some great buys on serious bling for yourself and your lady friends, just hanging around the house using the patented "Tootie" feature. Madonna likes those crystal thingies--not sure what good they do her. She's homely as ... Read more

Our Magnum Opus has been misunderstood By Jonas Brothers

Jonas Brothers — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 09:28:59 -0500

Sometimes, and admittedly it's rare, but sometimes an artistic work is created (or rather is birthed) that is so unique, such the antithesis of the derivative works being produced that it challenges us. It frightens, shocks and takes us out of our comfort zone. Because of this, a common human reaction is to rebel, reject and take comfort in the safety of the previously-mentioned derivative works.Friends, fans and skeptics, this is the effect that has taken place in modern criticism to the cinematic exploration of "Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience."Flat? That is a humorous choice of words in the irony it carries. They used to think the world was flat. But then the discovered another dimension that they didn't know existed. And I'm talking a 4th layer beyond 3-D. It's a metaph... Read more

Revenge is a dish best served with rain By Rihanna

Rihanna — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 11:20:41 -0500

You know you're a true stoner when you got a got-damn cat in your bong By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 10:31:19 -0500

I’d like to take some time right here to appreciate the stoner logic of that 20-year-old in Nebraska who shoved his got-damn cat into a homemade bong and smoked out.Don’t get me wrong. I sure as shit don’t endorse sticking a cat into your bong next time you wake-and-bake.But if there’s one way to chill a cat out, it’s sticking a cat into your bong next time you wake-and-bake.So this 20 year old kid is living with his got-damn grandfather, which ain’t no damn surprise since any motherfucker who gets high enough to insert a kitten into a bong clearly ain’t the type of person capable of owning his own got-damn home. I mean, there ain't a lot of information about that 20 year old--let’s call the motherfucker Spaz--there ain't a lot of info about ... Read more

Indian people are the new Chris Tucker By Brett Ratner

Brett Ratner — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:42:25 -0500

I'm so excited for Watchmen, my balls exploded By Brett Ratner

Brett Ratner — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 12:13:27 -0500

My game was wrecked by Bush! By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 08:59:27 -0500

The reviews are in from my first State of the Union address, and frankly I'm a little disappointed. Some right-wingnuts are saying I was too partisan, blaming Bush for a trillion-dollar deficit I inherited.As if! Who wouldn't mind inheriting a trillion dollars?But I can't give up that Dubya punch line--it's my best shtick. So I'm going on the offensive. Tomorrow, at a live press conference, I'm going to blame George W. Bush for:The two missed free throws I clanged off the rim in yesterday's weekly White House basketball scrimmage.The towel that was left on the floor in the Oval Office shower. Unh-uh, Michelle--it ain't mine!The stock market dropping to its lowest point since November of 2008. When I wasn't president yet, I might add.The fact that your stupid spider... Read more

It's times like these I'm proud of my G.O.P. membership By Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 15:59:42 -0500

Everyone who worked on Slumdog given awesome passes for life By Bidhan Bipul Chanda, "Best Boy" on Slumdog Millionaire

Bidhan Bipul Chanda, "Best Boy" on Slumdog Millionaire — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 09:33:47 -0500

What a glorious night! The gods and angels of Hollywood land have ruled that our movie is the best. And moreover, it is now believed that anyone on the production credits was embued with the spirit of Vishnu, and is considered by the state of India to be a demigod.There will be a parade tomorrow, through the streets of Mumbai in my honor. I have heard that Himalayas mountain towns have applied to re-name their terrotories in my namesake.The Key Grip on the movie was encased in liquid gold. The Gaffer was awarded the presidency of India, and the seven electricians are his cabinet. They will be hard at work make sure India is well lit for the next eight years.I must go now. There are 80 virgins that just arrived that are insisting on feeding me grapes. ... Read more

My thinly-veiled rebuttal cartoon By Al Sharpton

Al Sharpton — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 11:55:06 -0500

I've said it for years, but it's clear that cartoonists, animators and yes, even comic book authors and graphic novelists are the biggest racists in the country.Since I can't beat you guys, I will come up with my own thinly-veiled racist cartoon.Col Allen, the Editor-in-Chief of the New York Post, is hosting a barn raising at his Hampton home. It's a chilly night so he decides he should put on a jacket. Problem is there was a freak paint can explosion in his closet the day before and all the coats, jackets and fleeces are at the dry cleaners. He improvises and decides to wear a white sheet instead. He gets chapped lips on chilly nights like this and once again he can't find which pair of jeans he last left his chapstick in, so he throws a pillowcase on his head for precautionary anti lip-c... Read more

You Bet Your Ass I Own My Facebook Content! By Brett Ratner

Brett Ratner — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 10:26:52 -0500

"If you're good at something, never do it for free". I don't know who said that but I'm giving it to Jackie Chan.Facebook changed their policy saying they owned your content. Now they changed it back. That's right. They didn't want to deal with the wrath of Ratner. Or, as I call it, the "Wrathner".It's one thing to own the rambling status updates of the common people. "Suzie in Alabama is home from work". Good luck pitching that to Dreamworks. 'Kathy loves 'American Idol'? Yeah, that's a Cinderella story.But I am an artist. Whatever comes out of my mouth is pure genius. Whatever comes from my fingers is even better. (Yes that means what you think it means!). Last I checked Facebook wasn't a charity. And I didn't lose a poker game to post there. So I own i... Read more

My training tapes from the minors By Alex Rodriguez

Alex Rodriguez — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 10:25:35 -0500

It's getting hot in here By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 08:46:06 -0500

Thanks, David Axelrod. The secret is out. I'm an out-and-proud energy hog!I like to show off my trim, athletic figure, so no suit coat for me. I'm also from Hawaii, as my chief advisor so astutely points out, so I like to keep the temperature in the Oval Office at a toasty warm 80 degrees.Did I mention that my favorite rapper is Nelly? I totally dig "Hot in Herre"! Even though I feel compelled, Bill Cosby-style, to correct his ebonics spelling.I know, I know. I told you when I was campaigning that we would all have to sacrifice and stop keeping our thermostats on 72 degrees. Well, I kept my promise. My thermostat isn't on 72 anymore--it's much higher!If you will just turn yours down to, say, 64, we'll be even! ... Read more

Dark skies, hungry eyes By Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:00:11 -0500

For the folks out there who weren’t so lucky as to be treated to Monday’s lunar eclipse, please allow me to paint a picture.It is early morning. You have had a pleasant night of peaceful slumbering – one of those nights in which you are so comfortable you feel as if you are sleeping in the loving embrace of a voluptuous collection of stardust from some far away galaxy. But then you hear the stardust whisper, “Wake up Morgan. I have something to show you.” And so you wake up.Why yes, you had nearly forgotten; this is the morning of the Penumbral Lunar Eclipse! The slight shadow cast over the moon by our Earth is enough to make you howl as if you were a sexually mature wolf in pursuit of intimate adventure! Some folks out there might not make mu... Read more

Female orgasms can kill! By Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 10:03:09 -0500

As much as I hate being scooped, I have to admit that Cosmopolitan article about the woman who had the orgasm that almost killed her really hit home for me.I walk through a minefield every night when I step into my bedroom and am forced to choose between my two live-in girlfriends. (I had three, but I seem to have misplaced one.) Every night, one of those girls puts her life on the line for me, god bless 'em!After I've finished my business, one of the girls will often ask me to, uh, reach down there and help her along. As much as I would like to, I say "I can't--it's too dangerous." It's also too messy, but that doesn't seem to carry as much weight with them.I came, I screwed, I came--now I want to go to sleep, okay? So I say to them--What if I gave you an orgasm t... Read more

To whom ever takes care of the dirty deeds, By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 11:25:14 -0500

I didn’t know who to direct this to; things have been kind of hectic lately, what with me becoming President of the United States of America and all.You hold back a lot of emotions, mostly rage, when you’re looking to craft the perfect political image, but I hold them back no more. I have been biting my tongue and sitting on my hands for far too long. The following is a list of people that need to get what’s theirs, and how to correctly administer the come up-ins.Samuel Johnson – During 5th Grade he made me eat dirt on two separate occasions, unfortunately for him, I was running for Class President at the time and needed to appear humble. I would like for you kidnap him, feed him dirt until he vomits, and then tar and feather him. Afterwards, leave him tied to some ... Read more

After this blow-up, I just want to spend a relaxing day at home By Christian Bale

Christian Bale — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:12:38 -0500

Mayor Knows Best By Michael Bloomberg

Michael Bloomberg — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 11:22:57 -0500

I took away Trans-fats, I'm gonna take away salt, and I'm your mayor whether you like or not. Look kids, I mean citizens of this fair and vibrant city, you're not mature enough to know what you need. That's why you have me, and why you're letting me pull an FDR and be your mayor till I die. Mayor knows best. You were getting a little fat (still kinda are), and I can't have my city turn into a Cleveland okay? I mean, do you want to have people look at you like that? So chubby and plain? Also, I don't care what Uncle Paterson said, you're not getting bailout money. No, it's final. You don't need it. You're a mature and prosperous city you can rebuild your shattered infrastructure and earn your own gas money. I'm not trying to be a monster, I'm just trying to raise you the best I can. You ... Read more

I ain't never met a Christian could swear right By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:30:50 -0500

II've been hearing about all this Christian Bale bullshit, how he bawled out some camera guy for interrupting a shot, and how Christian went off on some f-word tirade for twenty minutes and shit. And everyone tells me, “Man, that Christian can cuss. Dude’s an artist with curse words.”Oh, la-tee-got-damn-dah! Fuck that. Christian Bale can suck my third nut. What Christian Bale knows about cussing, I can fit in the reservoir tip of my used Magnum condom. Christian, you want to master the fine art of profanity, you need to know a few things:1. Don’t overdo the word “fuck.” The f-word is like warm apple pie, you know what I’m saying? Taste on that shit, but don’t wear the word out, otherwise it gets all sloppy. Use some other cuss words now and t... Read more

Attention world, I apologize By Rod Blagojevich

Rod Blagojevich — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 08:51:05 -0500

Psych! ... Read more

A mulligan for cabinet scofflaws By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:29:27 -0500

My fellow Americans--everybody is entitled to make a mistake. Or two.First, I pick a Treasury Secretary who doesn't pay $34,000 in taxes, and thinks summer camp is deductible. This is going to make IRS audits interesting. "If Tim Geithner can do it, why can't I?"Then I pick a Health and Human Services Secretary who didn't pay $140,000 in taxes. Gotta hand it to Tom Daschle--he went all in on the flop.So today, I am issuing a blanket "mulligan" or "do-over" or whatever you want to call it. Anybody I appoint to my cabinet will have outstanding taxes, fines and penalties forgiven, as long as they promise to be good boys and girls from now on, and don't have their fingers crossed behind their backs.Because there's more coming. Energy Secretary Steven Chu... Read more

I'm a journalist, not a "reporter" By Katie Couric

Katie Couric — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 09:45:28 -0500

Now that my ratings are up and my legs are losing their shape, I feel I can talk about journalism.I am a Journalist, not a “reporter.” “Reporting” requires one to stand up and walk about. To be a Journalist, you need to remain seated, preferably behind a desk. The desk is optional, but the chair is mandatory.CBS pays me too much money to get out of my chair. If they paid me less money, I’d be free to do “reporter” things, like investigate or provide context. As a Journalist, it is very important for me to remain seated at all times so that the “reporters” can do their jobs, which is to "report" back to me so I don't have to get up.There are occasions when it is necessary for me to stand, of course. Recently, I got out of my ch... Read more

Lynyrd Skynyrd: way better than the Grateful Dead By Britney Spears

Britney Spears — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 12:20:10 -0500

First I just wanna say that I feel bad about how many weird old dudes got so upset over my last post; sometimes I forget that you guys didn’t really have much real music back when you were growing up. Plus I bet your iPods could only hold like 2 gigs. Seriously, you guys are like the bones of old dinosaurs – you’re covered in dust and your taste in music is lame, but you can sometimes teach us about ancient history n’ stuff.So I just heard about this other band that was around back when you guys weren’t totally old yet called Lynyrd Skynyrd? You guys this is super sad but I guess their keyboardist just died, or at least that’s what the internet was tellin’ me. Anyway, I listened to some of their songs, and they kinda rock! Plus they look prett... Read more

I'm not just tough, I'm semi-tough. By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 13:40:05 -0500

Spare me, please, the crocodile tears of former Bush torture-master John Yoo in yesterday's Wall Street Journal. Just because I shut down Guantanamo Bay, all of a sudden I'm a softy. Puh-lease!Has Yoo ever lived through a two-daughter slumber party on the night of his inauguration as the first African-American President of the United States? I didn't think so. That's toughness.I said when I closed Gitmo that I rejected the false choice between our safety and our ideals. We can't be mean to people just because we want to be safe. I used to be a law school professor, and it's right there in the Constitution--mean people suck!But before Republicans jump all over me for being soft on terror, here is the new list of rules for handling suspected terrorists:1. If we ... Read more

Move over Algernon, Kate needs some flowers By Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 10:00:16 -0500

I’ve been watching archival footage of the genocide in Rwanda for the past thirty minutes in an effort to sober up (I often do this in moments of hilarity, like when Brad worked up the courage yesterday to ask me if I like-like him) but I’m embarrassed to report that the guffaws keep bubbling up like so much Veuve. There goes Umbeke with the saw again. LOL. Why does my abdomen continue to contract in spasms of glee?! Jesus, Kate Winslet—you haven’t made me laugh this hard since Titanic. Fire Crotch LOL.I know this post is uncharacteristically chipper but really, how am I supposed to keep a straight face when Kate pretended to forget my name during her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes? No amount of bumbling British charm is going to lift you out of this ce... Read more

Paul Blart for Best Picture!!! By Brett Ratner

Brett Ratner — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:08:57 -0500

I'm officiially spearheading the Paul Blart for Oscar Consideration boycott. If the academy does not reconsider it's shocking Oscar blackballing, we will be boycotting this year's ceremony. So far only Tucker has agreed, but I have put out feelers to tens of other celebrities. Please watch this behind the scenes look into the making of the film: ... Read more

In defense of cussing By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:30:37 -0500

I was listening to NPR this afternoon--yeah, motherfucker, I like to hear what Susan Stamberg's got to say--and there was some kid blah-blahing his ass through an interview.Fifteen year old McKay Hatch has taken it upon himself to brow-beat his peers into feeling like assholes whenever they cuss. He’s written a book (with his parents!) called Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World.First off, McKay Hatch, cussing ain’t got one got-damn thing to do with being X-rated. Expletives are mostly R-rated. Sex--which I suspect you ain’t gonna have til you’re thirty-five because of this lame-ass book--is X-rated. And it ain’t even X-rated no more anyhow. It’s NC-17.Also, what the fuck kind of name is McKay Hatch? Sounds like something a porn st... Read more

F you Blagojevich By R. Kelly

R. Kelly — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 15:02:31 -0500

This morning when I descended my late-Victorian staircase and passed through the fin de siecle foyer into the kitchen where my breakfast of eggs benedict had just been set down. Upon glancing at the headlines of the morning paper, I almost choked on my bechamel sauce. The embattled Governor of Illinois had said in fighting the corruption charges against him he drew inspiration from people such as Nelson Mandela, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi!All those other guys were OK. But none of them ever had to fight defaming charges against their names. And worse yet, none of them committed baffling acts of moral degradation. Did Martin Luther King Jr. ever piss on a pre-teen? I didn't think so. I was going to write a song about him, but forget that. I guess us both being f... Read more

Send the Gitmo prisoners to the South Side! By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 10:44:02 -0500

Jesus H. Freaking Christ--first day on the job and the fawning adulation has already stopped! Where's the love?I've got tough decisions to make, like where to put the prisoners if I shut down Guantanamo.Turns out Kansas doesn't want them. I never saw that coming. Great basketball state, I'm the "Basketball President". Fine, go on and be that way.Other countries don't want them either. Who knew? I thought they were like old racetrack greyhounds. You know, nice liberal couples would adopt them.Hey wait a minute! Speaking of liberals, why don't I drop them off in my old neighborhood in Chicago! We've got all kinds of cool gangs they can hang with!Like the Almighty Popes, the Blue Fin Black Disciples, the Black P Stones. Sure, I don't actually know anybo... Read more

I don't know who Obamanos is either By Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:09:52 -0500

Smoke 'em if you got 'em! By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 11:53:24 -0500

My fellow Americans:Today marks the final step in a long and difficult march to freedom. For smokers.For too long, people like me have been forced to stand outside in the cold and the rain in order to exercise a very basic, fundamental right. The right to stick a bunch of leaves in our mouths and set them on fire.Martin Luther King smoked. Maybe Rosa Parks didn't, but Humphrey Bogart did, and he was the ultimate in cool. God, I must have seen "Casablanca" a million times when I was going to Harvard!But enough about me. Today is about you--the people who have fallen in love with my voice and my slim, hip figure. I wouldn't have that voice or figure if I didn't smoke. So I am today signing Executive Order No. 1 of my administration.All no-smoking signs are coming dow... Read more

What is 'friends'? By Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 09:58:11 -0500

An article on the internet asked if I have any friends. I have a question for this article: What is 'friends'?I know what a lover is. A lover is someone who cuts you with knives and uses your blood to nourish a garden from which he grows flowers to please you, and you smile coyly behind Venetian blinds as you watch him tend it, his muscles pushing against his skin in the sun, breaking his body for the production of beauty in your honor.I know what a baby is. A baby is a tiny person who should live in my house. Baby sits on my hip as I carry it around using only the strengh of one arm; the other arm is not for baby but for lover, after dark, when the wolves cry out and rain pummels the spires of our castle.I know what a brother is. A brother is a man-boy who shares you... Read more

Well, why shouldn't summer camp be deductible? By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:33:02 -0500

I'm getting flack from conservatives for nominating Timothy Geithner--try saying that five times fast--to be Secretary of the Treasury.All because he didn't pay his taxes for 2001. Or 2002. Or '03. Hey look over there--it's Bono! Or '04.C'mon you troglodytic Republican dinosaurs! Anybody can make a mistake that continues for four straight years. Just because the Treasury Secretary is the head of the IRS, that doesn't mean he has to know something about taxes--that's what accountants are for!Hold on a second--this just in. Turns out he tried to add overnight camp costs to his dependent child care expenses. Well, what's so bad about that?Didn't you ever see 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' with Jimmy Stewart? It's very inspirational. Kids need fresh air!Who are you going to believe? ... Read more

KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By William Shatner

William Shatner — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 10:45:35 -0500

Finally! Ricardo Montalban died at 88. I'm still alive, old friend. You managed to impress everyone else with your silver mullet and your rubber chest. But like a poor marksman you kept missing the target.I was the star of "Wrath of Khan". The star! And 25 years later, what does everyone talk about? "Oh, Ricardo was so good in that film. Spock had a great death scene. PIXAR worked on the Genesis sequence." What about me? I had to wear tiny little bifocals that made me look old. I had to give advice to Kirstie Alley. I had to tell George Takei he couldn't have his own ship.I'm tired of getting pushed around. You'd think Leonard coming back to life in the next movie would make everyone forget he died. You'd think that tv show Ricardo did would make people ... Read more

Kick this fool in the nuts By Mr. T

Mr. T — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:55:00 -0500

Dear Subway, stop ignoring me By Jared Fogle

Jared Fogle — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:24:31 -0500

I admit it: The “Five Dollar Footlong” commercials are better than anything you’ll find in my body of work since I’ve been at Subway. And no, I’m not including the new ones with the construction workers and the giggling office girls; those ones are like poop in my mouth - which is to say, while they don't totally displease me, they don't live up to my expectations either.So, it is no great surprise that Subway has stopped calling me lately. I kind of feel like that fat kid in your dorm back in college, the one with the massive porn collection; all the guys pretended to be friends with him so they could borrow his videos, but then once they ran out of new videos to borrow, they went back to ignoring the boy. But the boy shall not forget the wrongs that we... Read more

Your New Year resolution is to join Al Qaeda By Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:42:38 -0500

This new year is not even two weeks old and already it smells like a very bad one for you. You have lost your job because of collapse in Western capitalism. You have lost your wife because you have lost your job. She only want your money, not your hairy ass. You have lost the hair on your ass because of malnutrition. No wife means no hot meals. So what to do? I'll tell you what to do - JOIN AL QAEDA! When you join Al Qaeda, you enjoy the best perks of any insurgent group in whole world.Al Qaeda will not say to you, "We will let you know" and then never return your call. Al Qaeda will not pass you over because you have "too much experience". Al Qaeda will not toss your resume because you have "too little experience". With generous... Read more

Let's go back to bartering By Ben Bernanke

Ben Bernanke — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 10:05:49 -0500

Look, people--I've done all that I can. The yield on T-bills is at zero, which means the government will give you money for nothing. Just promise to give it back later, okay?People keep crying for some kind of stimulus, but for Christ's sake, there is such a thing as too much stimulus. Like a 16-year-old with a Playboy magazine and a six-pack of Vaseline Intensive Rescue Healing Hand Cream. Enough already!So my new proposal, subject to Barney Frank yelling at me, is for everybody to go back to something that makes sense. Barter.I give you a cow, you give me an acre of wheat. I give my wife a David Yurman Twisted Cable bracelet, she gives me a . . . never mind.With barter, yes you need a bigger wallet, but most people will let you "keep the change". Say I... Read more

If Obama is US President then I am President of the Universe By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 11:25:47 -0500

Dear readers,This is Vladimir Putin, Ruler of the Universe writing to you now. Maybe you have heard that a young upstart will be taking the seat as President of the United States next week. Maybe you are also asking yourself, "what's the big deal?" You're saying, look at both of their bodies. Compare and contrast them. Putin has huge muscles. His chest is firm and imposing. His nipples jut out like beautiful pink mountains. His biceps are twin phenoms, and no one is sure why or how they became so powerful, similar to the Olsen Twins. Obama has saggy, black boobs. He looks like a girly man frolicking in the sea, about to pee his pants. He has no muscles, and is about to tumble over from the tiny waves approaching.&nbs... Read more

At least I'm still alive By Philip Seymour Hoffman

Philip Seymour Hoffman — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 14:38:54 -0500

Real quick. Can someone please tell me what it takes to be an award-winning actor? Preparation? A willingness to lose oneself entirely in a character? Sure. I've got a third one. How about not being a rotting, maggot-filled corpse? I remember winning the Oscar for Capote and being praised for my complete transformation into the narcissistic, depressed Truman Capote. But I was the first to point out, I couldn't have done it had I not stayed alive.Let's compare two of the leading candidates for best supporting actor in this year's Golden Globes:Phillip Seymour Hoffman (me): A gripping command of the subtleties of mood , vacillating between villain and hero, causing DOUBT with every turn of the brow.Heath Ledger: DeadPhillip Seymour Hoffman: Never takes the same role twice. Wil... Read more

Buy my balls By Rod Blagojevich

Rod Blagojevich — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 10:53:38 -0500

Porn is the new war bonds, so go out and buy that shit By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:30:22 -0500

You know we’re fucked when even the porn industry’s sticking out their soiled and sticky hand for some government money.I can remember when the porn industry was recession-proof. Now I guess you motherfuckers are so damn cheap you won’t even pay to have a good wank no more.You already out a motherfucking job, and I know you ain't spending all day looking at the want ads. So what the fuck?For the good of the got-damn country, you have to buy some pornos. That shit ain’t gonna cream up itself, you know what I’m saying? It is your patriotic got-damn duty to go out right now and buy as many skin flicks and wide-open beaver mags as you can, because the American economy begins and ends with the sex trade. Step away from the free internet porn and go out and buy a go... Read more

Rappers--remember to pull up your pants Inauguration Day By Snoop Dogg

Snoop Dogg — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 09:58:34 -0500

As the inventor of West Coast rap and unofficial spokesman for Hip Hop Nation, I have been heavily involved in high-level negotiations with President-electishizzle Obama's people. We have come to terms on an agreement of historic proportions.Here's the deal. All rappers, hip hop DJs, pit bull owners, drug dealers, et ceterashizzle, if you're going to the District on Inauguration Day--pull up your god damn pants. Barack don't want to be embarrassed by you and your Beyonce or Playboy underwear showin'!Also, no chains, no price tags hangin' off yo brand-new baseball caps. Cover up your neck tats. We gonna try to look respectable--for the day.In exchange, we're gettin' a package of various considerationizzles:Air Force One's gonna get pimped out, like in "Soul Plane&qu... Read more

I'm a Packin'! By George W. Bush

George W. Bush — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:26:53 -0500

If you think a Texan don't know when it's last call, you don't know Texans. Or alcoholics. And I'm both.I am so outta here. Yeah that's right, I'm packing now. I don't wait around until the last minute. Like back at school, I would take my summer break two weeks before finals. Or when I was in the National Guard? I didn't even show up. Cause I'm ahead of the curve.Besides, there's a lot of new faces around here. And I don't want them stealing my stuff. I got me a stack of pardons I never sent out (sorry Phil Spector). I got a candlelight shrine to Ken Lay. I don't want nobody sticking a picture of Bernie Mac in there. I got a levee (I should really put that one back).You know what? I'm not even gonna forward my mail. Let Obama pay this month's cable bill. Wait'll he sees how... Read more

Is Grateful Dead a joke band? By Britney Spears

Britney Spears — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:51:03 -0500

Hey y’all! Long time no blog – I know right?? I’ve been like super busy getting my comeback on ‘n stuff. Seriously, it’s a lot of work! And don’t even get me started on the touring. See, sometimes my life gets so hectic that in my brain I’m like, “My life is a circus!” So then I put together this totally over-the-top tour and use that as the theme of the show; that way everyone can see what a circus it is. Get it?So other than some A-hole hacking my Twitter (I do NOT have vagina dentata... anymore), the only other thing that’s been tickin’ me off lately is all this stuff about the Grateful Dead getting back together? It’s like okay, here I am pulling off the biggest comeback in the history of everything, so who ca... Read more

I am an unstoppable entity with a penchant for figurtive language By The Recession

The Recession — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 10:32:38 -0500

Did you hear the latest comedy joke? It's about president Obama and congress rallying to create a stimulus package to stop me. Haha! The punchline is in the utter futility of the attempt. Not laughing? Maybe you had to be there.But simply put, your stimulus packages, your bailouts, are laughably ineffective. It would be like trying to stop a tornado by throwing a chair at it. Or attempting to keep the Titantic afloat by bailing out the incoming water with a shot glass. Do you get my point?I am the recession and I use analogies excessively.Your attempts at recovery are cute. When I'm falling asleep at night, I often smile at them with a mixture of endearment and condescension. As if you were a 5-year-old child who said you were going to be a fireman and the president when you grow up.<!-... Read more

I'm not getting skinnier, you're getting fatter By Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:12:46 -0500

Specifically your eyeballs are getting fat, and they're blurring your reality. You know when you see one of those mega fat people, the kind who buy two airplane seats, and then you see a regular fat person and they almost look normal. That effect is going on.Also there's a hormone imbalance majiggy. But really it's about you being too fat.My fingers are so skinny I can fit two comfortably on a single letter key, which is why I'm redesigning the keyboard to make each letter it's own touchpad. Based on which corner you strike and an algorithium that measures your finger's temperature, the computer will determine whether you wanted a lower case or a capital. Shift key, your days are numbered. Caps lock be afraid. I'm pulling the plug on the stupid AppleTV thing. This has more promise. Tr... Read more

Why are scientists allowed to rewrite science, but I'm not?!? By Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:15:42 -0500

Lately there has been a big hullabaloo about a Dr. Stephan Wolfram supposedly rewriting science with some oddball theory. In fact his book "A New Kind Of Science" holds a #2 ranking at Amazon.com.Now I don't know much about Dr. Wolfram or his "theories" and "math" but I do know that people deserve credit where credit is due... and Mr. Wolfram is taking all my credit!You see friends I myself have been rewriting science for years! Whether I do it to explain how Jonah could live in a big fish or how Jesus could ride a T-Rex without getting eaten I've been SMAO (Sciencing My Ass Off) for the last 60 years! But why is it he gets all the praise and credit from scientists and I just get yelled at? I mean it took him decades to come up with his theories on universal a... Read more

You know you'd sit through any movie with Sam Jack in it By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 12:13:26 -0500

So I’m reading through former-fatty Roger Ebert’s blog about movies and I come across a comment left by some dude named Bill Hays. Bill invites us all to “find a way to insert an unnecessary role for Samuel L. Jackson into future movies.” Because Bill thinks I’ve made a got-damn career out of shoe-horning my black ass into movies without really needing to be there. Bill offers up some examples: “Think of Frozone in ‘The Incredibles.’ Mace Windu in ‘Star Wars.’ Colonel Nick Fury in ‘Iron Man’. Roland in ‘Jumper’. Dr. Harry Adams in Michael Crichton's ‘The Sphere.’ Ray Arnold in ‘Jurassic Park.’ Zeus Carver in ‘Die Hard With A Vengeance.’”Well, got-damn, Ray, who the ... Read more

I just I recieved the best "golden shower" of my life By Condoleezza Rice

Condoleezza Rice — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 10:29:41 -0500

So I've never been much for expensive clothes or haricuts or dental work (my secret service code name is actually Gap Tooth McGee) but I've also never really been all dolled up either. But then again I never really had a reason to be. I haven't even gone to a club or rave since 1992 when I still had this fantasy of becoming a back up dancer for C+C Music Factory (of course I screwed up the audition when I suggested they move their factory overseas to avoid taxes and child labor laws). Most nights I just sit at home with a cup o' soup and cuddle up with my favorite movie (Never Been Kissed). I used to think people put too much emphasis on looks, Sarah Palin and her $300,000 suits, John Edwards and his $300 haircuts all seemed ludicrious to me and my modest Lane Bryant pants suits. Now ... Read more

I admit it--I'm a Vulcan By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:38:14 -0500

By now, you've heard all the rumors. I'm a Muslim--not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm not an American--not that there's anything so hot about that. I'm a radical, I'm a smoker, I dribble left-handed and can't go to my right.Lies, all of them--except the one about smoking. But you should know this about me--I am a Vulcan.That's right--the super-rational race of beings whose most famous member is Spock, from Star Trek.Look at it this way. Who would you rather have as president: a wack ex-POW like McCain, a low I.Q. ticket-balancer like Biden--both 100% human, as far as anybody can tell--or mutts like me and Spock, who have both human and Vulcan ancestors?Humans have emotions, and so do I. Really--I'll show them to you sometime. Vulcans subordin... Read more

Do you like pandas? By Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin

Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 14:50:54 -0500

Hi! Remember me?Remember all that controversy over whether I was old enough to be participating on the Chinese Olympic gymnastic team in Beijing 2008? I was thinking it’s about time to set the record straight once and for all. Birth certificate? No, I’m sorry we don’t have those in my country. But what we do have is this adorable live panda bear; perhaps this will work instead, hmm?  Look how cute he is, hehe he likes you! You are friends with him, and we are friends too! Please, you keep him; he is your new pet – a gift from me! Now pet his tummy. Isn’t this fun? What’s that? No, the Chinese do not think we can use panda-giving as a substitute for meaningful gestures! Where do you get this idea? Now you have made him sad &ndash... Read more

Happy Hannahdays By Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 09:13:47 -0500

Dear Hannah Fans,Hannah here! I just wanted to wish you all a super happy Christmas! All you fans out there keep me going on these long tours. Your energy, your support, your love, it means sooooo much to me. Thanks a Billion!Miley here, look, what Hannah meant to say was, make sure you ask your parents to buy the new Hannah Montana DVDs, Hannah Montana Holiday Singing Doll (only $30.99), or the Playhut Hannah Montana Deluxe Sleeping Bag ($74.99.) All of these are available in select stores or online.Hey ya’ll. It’s old Hanny Manny here, sorry about Miley saying all that silly stuff. I just want you to know that I got all your letters, but I will be spending Christmas with my mom and Dad, so I won’t be able to join any of you for dinner and hot cocoa, but I wish I could!!... Read more

Stop covering my naked body!!!! By Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:23:32 -0500

Hello media,Leave me alone! I'm tired of all this attention.Don't you guys have anything better to do? Pathetic! Just because I posed for some nude photos on the cover of major magazines, the media is making a big deal out of it. They can't talk about anything else except for my nude photos.Why did I do it? Did I do it so when Angelina is shopping with her kids in the grocery store, maybe they'll see me on the cover of the magazine and say, "Holy crap! That's dada's ex-girlfriend. Wow! here body is way sexier than yours, Momma Angelina!" Then they run off through the isles knocking things over in shock.So why don't the papparazzi find something different to obsess about? I'm not interested in getting tons of media attention.Next week I'm going to jog naked through ... Read more

I want to be the Secretary of State that ends "Hamburglary" By Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:41:37 -0500

As our administration nears its starting point, speculation is mounting about the breadth of change that will sweep the world.There are many threats out there that have we have not done enough about. There is a villain who continues to strike yet goes unpunished!No I'm not talking about Osama Bin Laden. Though scary he is, he's not as great a threat to democracy. A force even worse than the secret "cybernetic shark with Hitler's brain in it" project if it got out of control. I'm talking, of course, about a danger that threatens capitalism everywhere known as "hamburglarism" .Hamburglarism is the theory that mass hamburger theft will occur in the absence of magic clowns. Hamburger larceny or "Hamburglary" deprives millions each year of hard earned hamburgers a... Read more

You have to haggle with car makers By George W. Bush

George W. Bush — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 09:14:32 -0500

Years from now, when all the Bush-haters are drooling in nursing homes and historians weigh in on my legacy, I think they will recognize the deal I just cut with U.S. car makers was a historic one. The historians, not the droolers.I got them to take my $17.4 billion loan! Instead of the other way around. Usually, when you walk into a car dealer and agree to buy that nifty Chrysler LeBaron with the velour seat covers, the process has just started.First, they want you to finance it with them. Don't do it! You can get a better deal at your credit union.Then, they try to sell you rustproofing, or an extended warranty, or some kind of clapper in case you lose your keys. Just say no!Remember--you just did them a favor. If you didn't buy that car, they wouldn't hit their monthly qu... Read more

Calm down ladies, I'm not really a bat out of hell By Meatloaf

Meatloaf — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:46:50 -0500

This is to all the women out there that have listened to my song “Bat Out of Hell” and now think of me differently. I just want to say to all of you that I’m the same guy. Same guy here, okay. In my song I make myself out to be this crazy wild guy that just wants sex and stuff. I’m not really like that. I’m not. I’m a good guy. Really. I’m the same guy that “would do anything for love.” Remember that? That was me. I used something called an artistic license. It’s poetry. I exaggerate certain things to make them more appealing and sound better and more badass and stuff. I’ve never “hit the ... Read more

I wish they made Christmas movies 12 months a year! By Brett Ratner

Brett Ratner — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 13:37:40 -0500

Don't this moron realize we didn't elect his ass to be President of Iraq? By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:44:03 -0500

I said a few posts back that I was done talking about the Irrelevancy-in-Chief, but the motherfucker keeps talking about himself. Every time he opens his got-damn mouth, Tim Robbins aborts a fetus, an angel drops dead from surprise syphilis, and I have about ten strokes then immediately reach for a got-damn laptop to blog about it because if I don't vent this shit, I'll China Syndrome my ass through the got-damn floor.So Bush gives an interview about Iraq. Again. It’s like the motherfucker forgets that we elected him to be president of this country, not Iraq. Cause Iraq is all the motherfucker wants to talk about. He didn’t want to open his smirking-ass lips to say nothing about Katrina since it didn't happen in Iraq. He didn’t want to say one got-damn thing about 9/11 un... Read more

George Bush, despite my previously held misconceptions, is kind of awesome By Mr. T

Mr. T — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 12:20:17 -0500

T don't normally pay much mind to the jibber-jabba that goes down on the blogs of my colleagues, but I did happen to notice Sam Jackson's recent musings 'bout that shoe throwing incident. Sam was making noise about why some chump journalist would throw his shoe at a president. That don't really concern T. What concerns T is how sucka George Bush can dodge a shoe so fast.Watched that video til my eyes went blurry, then I watched it again. How did George Bush get so quick? Looks like he dodges shoes every day. He's like one of those coyotes that come to T's house lookin' for dogs to ambush; when T throws a rock at the coyote's head, sucka already gone. Makes T sad, when he can't hit a coyote with his rock. Now I'm starting to think that maybe George Bush ain't the ch... Read more

The holidays are so stressful! By Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 10:58:05 -0500

It's not a good time to be a guest in the Manning household. Marvin Harrison is staying with us (again) because he got kicked out of his old lady's house because he sucks now. But he spends half his time trying to steal Daddy's moonshine and the other half trying to play "Shaft" with my wife. He also invited his "brother" Plaxico Burress to come stay with us until he goes to jail, but Plaxico apparently has, along with a stupid name, a problem doing house chores while healing from a gunshot wound. Add to that Eli got sacked so many times last night even I felt sorry for him. But now the stupid crybaby's spending his time in bed, ringing his bell and asking for soup from Ash, when everybody knows that kid is just trying to get closer to her boobs. Meanwhile, my gimp ban... Read more

It's settled: "Love Train" is the new national anthem By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 13:45:27 -0500

I may not be president yet, but rest assured, I'm working hard with my staff to ensure a smooth, historical, and totally "mac" inauguration and transition.We huddled over the weekend to go over a few things. First thing everybody agreed on--"The Star-Spangled Banner" has got to go.It's hard to sing and it's based on an English drinking song. Nobody knows the lyrics except for the first words--"O, say can you see?"--and the last--"Play ball!"People been talkin' about getting a new national anthem for years, but nobody ever does anything about it. That's why I'm Mr. Change You Can Believe In. I'm going to hit the ground running with a new national anthem on inauguration day, or Larry Summers is an overweight, misogynistic wise-ass!We got... Read more

Who throws a shoe? Honestly. By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 10:13:34 -0500

When you're a pissed off journalist determined to throw shit at the President of the United States, you should throw something other than your got-damn shoes.Oh, I get the irony. That irony shit is totally fucking gotten. The first got-damn thing Iraqis did when they pulled down Saddam’s statue was to slap their shoes on it. But you're a motherfucking journalist. Instead of shoes, you could throw some hard questions at the guy.I got a list a mile long of things better than footwear to toss at him.1. Throw a pretzel. The only thing that’s ever taken down this sack of shit is a single got-damn pretzel. If you want to do some real damage to the guy who killed your civilians and destroyed your country, start throwing some Rolled Gold at his ass. Pretzels to Bush is like mistl... Read more

I am not a metrosexual! By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 10:45:14 -0500

I want people to know that I am shocked and appalled by the excerpts from taped conversations that have come to light in the past few days.And I don't mean Rod Blagokielbasa, or whatever his name is. I can assure you, I've never met the Governor of Illinois before in my life.No, I'm talking about Bobbi Brown, cosmetics guru and former fundraiser for my campaign. She was quoted in WSJ magazine the other day saying all kinds of crazy crap about my beauty routine. So I'm using this post to make one thing perfectly clear--I am not a metrosexual.I do not use bronzing gels. I do not use Botox. I do not even want to be mentioned in a magazine article that talks about men using eyeliner. But there I am, big as life. Thanks Bobbi! Don't be surprised if your invitation to the Inaugur... Read more

Why doesn't anyone ever look at the positive side of sodomy? By A partisan New York Police Department Spokesperson

A partisan New York Police Department Spokesperson — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 10:08:39 -0500

I've been receiving a lot of angry emails lately concerning a recent incident involving several of our officers using what some dub as "extreme force"(i.e. baton sodomizing). I would like to address their concerns here.First off let me say that the recent "sodomy incident" has been blown out of proportion by those who are unfamiliar with NYPD protocol. Allow me to familiarize you with NYPD protocol...NYPD Arrest Protocol as of Sept. 1st 19061. Tell suspect to stop and put their hands up.2. If suspect resists arrest, use necessary force to take suspect down.3. If suspect continues to fight, beat them until they stop fighting and or protecting their face.4. If suspect reacts negatively to being beaten and arrested, officers may use one of the following actions:A. Bear Bai... Read more

Playboy needs this Dick By Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 11:20:22 -0500

Dear Mr. Hefner, I understand there is a job opening at Playboy; I would like to offer my services in the vetting process as you search to replace your daughter Christie. I’m sure you’ll agree that my previous experience vetting for George W. Bush’s vice presidency makes me an obvious choice for this position. Playboy is not my ideal venue for post-VP employment, and your insistence on wearing smoking jackets makes me want to electrocute into oblivion what’s left of your genitals, but with the economy currently fucked I’ll take what I can get. See, the main thing is that I want to move to Chicago (largely untapped baby-sacrificing market). My dream job was to put my skills as a product reviewer to work at the Chicago Tribune, but now that’s looking ... Read more

Other things I left in Chicago that are for sale. By Barack Obama

Barack Obama — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:07:15 -0500

Okay, a great big "gotcha" about my Senate seat being for sale by Rod Blajkov, er, Blogavej . . . the Governor of Illinois.I lived in Chicago--what did you expect? A League of Women Voters silent auction?So just get over it, okay? Like I told Joe the Plumber, we're trying to spread the wealth around.But as long as we're on the subject, I've got a few more things in Chicago that I don't want to move to the White House. Before I list them on eBay, I thought I'd post them on my blog and let people bid--that way I avoid sales commissions. Here we go!Portable Basketball Goal: This used to drive my neighbors nuts. Some professor plunks down a million bucks for a condo in Hyde Park, moves in and looks out his bay window to see me draining three-point s... Read more

What will happen to my theater tickets? By Barbara Walters

Barbara Walters — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:32:12 -0500

It has been recently suggested that in protest of gay marriage being illegal in some states that all gay people will one day call in "gay" to work. Many people have laughed at the idea, but it is a fact that 10% of the population is gay and 90% of the population of my personal assistants, hair, make up, and wardrobe people are gay! Without these people I'll look a total of 136 years older! And what will happen to my theater tickets tonight! This problem isn't just limited to Broadway and off Broadway and places in Harlem I shouldn't mention either. Think of the tabloids which have been oh so good to me. I mean what will happen if suddenly every gay celebrity didn't show up to work one day? No more hours of speculation on who's gay in Hollywood and chances are Artie Lange ... Read more

Andy Samburg wasn't funny when he was Adam Sandler By Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L. Jackson — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 09:58:07 -0500

Some well-meaning motherfucker sent me a link to the latest digital short bullshit from Saturday Night Live, a show so past its prime it makes Travolta look like fresh hunk-meat.Sure, the show still has funny moments, but so do those 200-hour nature documentaries hosted by Sir David got-damn Attenborough. Mostly, SNL is an exercise in time-wasting. The audience of your average, non-Tina Fey episode would be just as amused by playing with some got-damn string or making prank calls to local politicians.Anyway, the link I got sent is a music video about guys who prematurely ejaculate into their trousers. It stars Justin Timberlake, Adam Something-or-Other, the illegitimate son of Squiggy, and the chick who played Meadow Soprano (herself obviously the queen of premature endings).Check this shi... Read more

An important PSA about gun safety By Plaxico Burress

Plaxico Burress — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 10:59:27 -0500

Russia sails ship up US rectum By Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:33:07 -0500

Maybe you heard, Russia just told the US to stick it. No, I didn't crush one of their ambassadors with a KGB head clap or launch a judo attack on one of their allies. I didn't even need to take my shirt off to send this message out to the world. I'm simply going to send a Russian ship up the Panama Canal sending a strong signal to America. A very powerful signal. Imagine, if you will, that the Panama Canal is America's rectum. And Russia just sailed a ship right up it! Oh yeah! Or if the Panama Canal was America's throat, then Russia just crammed our fist down it! Or If the Panama Canal was America's nose, or more accurately, one of it's nostrils, well then Russia slammed our finger deep inside it.Or maybe if the Panama Canal is the US goal during a basketbal... Read more

My future is bright By John McCain

John McCain — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:55:08 -0500

People keep asking me how I'm doing since the election. I don't know what the big deal is. I've moved on ... ... Read more

Sexy surprise in the sky By Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 09:58:00 -0500

There aren’t too many things in this world I enjoy more than gazing up at the night sky, for nothing else is so infinite and wondrous. The thing I’ve found about gazing at the night sky is that on occasion you’ll find a surprise up there. And sometimes, if you’re real lucky, you’ll find a sexy surprise.Why just this past Sunday I was so lucky as to be treated to the latter, as perchance were some of you. I reckon there were folks from as far as Tokyo who were going about their business; perhaps they were considering the playful sexual nature of the snowman as I was. Then suddenly something caught their eye – well what’s that up there?Sure enough, it’s that naughty celestial trifecta: Venus, Jupiter, and the moon, giving a smile... Read more