Which one doesn’t belong? (AP)

Last Christmas I sent Robert or “Bob” Gates, as he insists I call him, a special, limited edition copy of my now-famous Counterinsurgency Manual. This manual comes with a lot of specialized knowledge and secret “personal” observations that the mainstream version doesn’t have, as well as notes from brainstorming sessions I and several Rhodes Scholars had at the Pentagon. In short, it’s the best Counterinsurgency Manual out there, in a market pretty much saturated by people claiming to know how to fight a war.

One of the tenets of a successful counterinsurgency is the military forces engaged being able to earn the local population’s trust, and show them that they have more to gain throwing in with—in this case, us—than with the insurgents. Seems to me in Afghanistan we’ve been successful so far by relying on a devil’s cocktail of airborne units, our mountain unit, plus the usual assortment of OGAs, ODAs, and “black ops” units. Would someone please explain to me how it makes sense for us to swap all Army units out of Afghanistan, and let the Marines take over?

You may wonder why I haven’t been posting recently. I’ve got a new solo Field Manual (the Counterinsurgency Manuel was really a collaboration between myself and several key staffers—props to the 3RD ID crew, my homies down at the Pentagon, TRADOC, and Jesus) set to hit the shelves sometime in late May. There’s been a lot of drama lately with the women. And then, of course, putting late hours in at “the lab” ensuring our little experiment in Surge Warfare was successful.

By the way, all those haters out there who said I couldn’t do it can eat a d***. Crime’s down across the board, respect for local security is up, and this Four-Star General couldn’t be happier. Politics is politics, and we have an election year coming up, and I can’t tell you how much satisfaction I get from seeing people do about-faces on their “withdraw the troops early” platforms. Respect for my man Obama, who’s stuck with his “early withdrawal” plan despite our progress on the ground. A man of convictions is pretty rare in politics.

Associated Press

My wife called yesterday, and—of course—I was out, as usual, trying to win the war on terror in Iraq. Highlights from the message: “Honey, I miss you,” “When are you coming home,” and “Your daughter has taken to calling my father ‘daddy,’ which is very offputting.” I keep reading about the horrible toll this war is taking on the Iraqi people, but it’s important not to forget the effect it has on the relationships and lives of our own deployed military personnel, including myself.

Associated Press

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the problems we’re having up North, with the Kurdistan-based insurgency against Turkey. Obviously we don’t have too many troops to spare these days, what with our surge in Baghdad. But—and, bear with me here, I know it’s a bit of a stretch—what if Turkey conducted their own troop surge, on the border of Kurdistan?

I wrote recently about a way to increase our troop numbers by forcibly pressing our country’s best athletes into the Armed Forces, which has generated a certain amount of criticism. It seems that people prefer the spectacle of a Brett Favre throwing what happens to be a 420th touchdown, or a Barry Bonds flailing at a canvas ball with a wooden stick to, say, the sight of Osama Bin Laden paraded in chains down Connecticut Avenue.

Where else is my Afghan Surge going to come from? Criminals? Incompetents? Imbeciles? None remain, thanks to an aggressive Marine Corps recruiting campaign of “no potential casualty left behind.” The only remaining demographic that remains untapped is the wealthiest demographic—that of the sons and daughters of the elite. And I don’t see admissions numbers at Yale dipping anytime soon….

No, our best shot at ending this thing quickly and honorably is to enact a draft of professional athletes — they’re used to that sort of thing, I understand — in order to form some kind of Surge Assault-Unit.

Associated Press

My advisors tell me that our old foe “Al Qaeda” is making a comeback in Afghanistan. You may remember Afghanistan as the place John Rambo defeated the Russians; a desolate place of dust and wind. I know it as the home of the most feared “Al Qaeda” operative of them all: Osama Bin Ladin. If the enemy is trying to make a comeback in the East and South, there’s only one thing we can do to counter them. I think you know where I’m going with this.

That’s right, a massive “Troop Surge.” This one at the border of Pakistan. We push thousands of troops up to the border, to control the inflow of miscreants, and make it safe for Afghanistan’s fledgling government to develop. If you’d like better numbers, you’ll have to wait for my staff to finish projecting, but just off the top of my head, I’d say 20,000 or 30,000 troops would be able to effectively seal the border, from the Khyber Pass to the deserts south of Kandahar.

If there’s one thing Petraeus cannot tolerate in his Army, it’s disloyalty. Lately, it’s been brought to my attention that former service members are using their uniforms and time “downrange” as springboards into the public eye — trading in the honor of their uniform for a chance to voice their opinions to the masses.

All I have to say is this: you don’t hear Petraeus discussing his complicated, multi-tiered plan to reinvent society along the lines of ancient Sparta’s government, with me as one of two revered warrior kings.

Since delivering the on-the-whole-not-particularly-well-received but necessary and just Iraq report to the country’s most learned and august gathering of minds (I speak of our Congress) the my mailbox has overflowed with the peoples’ responses. This mail has been of diverse character and quality. Apparently, few people were listening to a single word I or Ambassador Crocker uttered. Which is sad, because we worked like dogs to get it ready on time. Here’s a potpourri of public feedback:

LETTER 1:

General ‘Buh-tray-us,’ you have the power to recommend an immediate and full withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan. War is evil. If you gave the order tomorrow, a month later all the soldiers could be back in America. No more Americans should die fighting in a foreign land where they’re not wanted. Staying two or three more years isn’t going to make any difference ‘cause that place is going to be a horrible civil war no matter what we do! That’s what my homeroom teacher said a couple days ago and boy was she right. You’re ignoring the lessons of history so you’re doomed!

Tyrant!
Mandy Peters, City High School ‘10

P.S. Release all the innocents from the concentration camps in GITMO. We’re not NAZIs! Innocent people shouldn’t be kept in cages! Tyrant!

LETTER 2:

Hey brother—keep on keeping on.

Much Love,
Obama

Discerning readers/viewers may have noticed my wife’s hand in the recent important, decisive speech I delivered before Congress. You all remember my wife — she who insisted on making me wait one month for an answer when I proposed to her. She who took a year to plan our wedding. She who then pushed our marriage back three months so that one of her cousins could attend.

She who, alone among my one-time nemeses from the moon, was able to face me in single combat … and live.

The problem, as Petraeus sees it, is that there’s no way to explain to my political masters that the cost of a speedy withdrawal of forces is widespread death and destruction. These buffoons have reduced Iraq to a binary problem of “stay” or “leave,” much as my current wife once attempted to reduce my body to its component atoms using a powerful ray gun.