Discerning readers/viewers may have noticed my wife’s hand in the recent important, decisive speech I delivered before Congress. You all remember my wife — she who insisted on making me wait one month for an answer when I proposed to her. She who took a year to plan our wedding. She who then pushed our marriage back three months so that one of her cousins could attend.

She who, alone among my one-time nemeses from the moon, was able to face me in single combat … and live.

The problem, as Petraeus sees it, is that there’s no way to explain to my political masters that the cost of a speedy withdrawal of forces is widespread death and destruction. These buffoons have reduced Iraq to a binary problem of “stay” or “leave,” much as my current wife once attempted to reduce my body to its component atoms using a powerful ray gun.

It’s true, there’s no solution in sight in Iraq, and that we’re just buying time with our presence. It’s also true that American soldiers are dying in Iraq. They’re buying Iraq time to sort itself out—whether it’s partitioned or not—to get to some kind of acceptable status quo. That’s happening, with the help of death squads and paramilitary hit-teams. Left to its own devices, Iraq will descend into bloody chaos like you read about—but with our help, we can help control the bleeding. At this time it is impossible to overlook another striking parallel between our current situation and my epic battle with the super-villain who was destined to become my wife … just as she was about to deliver the coup-de-grace, I distracted her for a moment by tackling her from behind, allowing me to recover my senses and seduce her with my good looks, and honest, American-way charm.

We must give Iraq the time it needs by distracting its enemies, with our own soldiers, if necessary—just as Captain Majesty gave his life so that I might live on, and eventually turn the super-woman once known as “Linella the Scourge” into my cherished, loyal wife, “Mrs. General Petraeus.” The alternative is unacceptable—unthinkable.