I wrote recently about a way to increase our troop numbers by forcibly pressing our country’s best athletes into the Armed Forces, which has generated a certain amount of criticism. It seems that people prefer the spectacle of a Brett Favre throwing what happens to be a 420th touchdown, or a Barry Bonds flailing at a canvas ball with a wooden stick to, say, the sight of Osama Bin Laden paraded in chains down Connecticut Avenue.

Where else is my Afghan Surge going to come from? Criminals? Incompetents? Imbeciles? None remain, thanks to an aggressive Marine Corps recruiting campaign of “no potential casualty left behind.” The only remaining demographic that remains untapped is the wealthiest demographic—that of the sons and daughters of the elite. And I don’t see admissions numbers at Yale dipping anytime soon….

No, our best shot at ending this thing quickly and honorably is to enact a draft of professional athletes — they’re used to that sort of thing, I understand — in order to form some kind of Surge Assault-Unit.

Associated Press

Furthermore, I guarantee that these mercenary athletes can be forged into into the loyal, disciplined warrior-slaves I require for the Afghan Surge in no more than four months; after that, it will be a mere year before Al Qaeda’s master is hunted down and captured.

Let us put the “right to pursue happiness” (in some cases, the right to pursue coveted professional football and baseball records) behind us. Right now, Osama Bin Laden has been running free and unchecked for six years—a shameful record that comes at our Nation’s expense. Let us show the Muslim world that home field advantage means nothing to America, and bring Bin Laden down in his own end zone.