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George W. Bush’s Blog

The Bush administration's loose justification to pass the liberty-tightening Patriot Act, its unsuccessful hunt for Osama bin Laden and the invasion of Iraq under false pretenses will be its lasting legacy. Though nearly everyone involved in the war has called for a sharp change in leadership and planning, Bush continues his exit strategy of waiting it out until he leaves office in January 2009.

I'm a Packin'!

By George W. Bush

If you think a Texan don't know when it's last call, you don't know Texans. Or alcoholics. And I'm both.

I am so outta here. Yeah that's right, I'm packing now. I don't wait around until the last minute. Like back at school, I would take my summer break two weeks before finals. Or when I was in the National Guard? I didn't even show up. Cause I'm ahead of the curve.

Besides, there's a lot of new faces around here. And I don't want them stealing my stuff. I got me a stack of pardons I never sent out (sorry Phil Spector). I got a candlelight shrine to Ken Lay. I don't want nobody sticking a picture of Bernie Mac in there. I got a levee (I should really put that one back).

1/7/2009 11:26 AM, Washington DC
5 comments

You have to haggle with car makers

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

Years from now, when all the Bush-haters are drooling in nursing homes and historians weigh in on my legacy, I think they will recognize the deal I just cut with U.S. car makers was a historic one. The historians, not the droolers.

I got them to take my $17.4 billion loan! Instead of the other way around. 

Usually, when you walk into a car dealer and agree to buy that nifty Chrysler LeBaron with the velour seat covers, the process has just started.

First, they want you to finance it with them. Don't do it! You can get a better deal at your credit union.

Then, they try to sell you rustproofing, or an extended warranty, or some kind of clapper in case you lose your keys. Just say no!

Remember--you just did them a favor. If you didn't buy that car, they wouldn't hit their monthly quota.

12/22/2008 9:14 AM, WASHINGTON, D.C.
4 comments

No more turkey pardons

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

Well, it's getting close to my last day as POTUS--that's what they call the President. It stands for Person of Total Undermisestimated Smirkiness. My Secret Service detail told me.

Pretty soon, I'll have to call Dad and ask him to line up my next job. This one was okay, but I thought the Texas Rangers gig was more fun. And not a single member of my cabinet ever tested positive for steroids.

As things wind down, I'm all of a sudden getting deluged with requests for pardons, but I'm not going to fall into that "gotcha" trap.

Look what happened to Bill Clinton, with Marc Rich, his dope-dealing brother Roger and Patty "Tanya" Hearst, Little Miss Symbionese Liberation Army. That wouldn't look good on my bio when I'm trying to land a six-figure speaking gig with the Chamber of Commerce.

So hear me loud and clear--no pardons. Not for none of you turkeys--human or otherwise.

11/24/2008 11:10 AM, Washington DC
2 comments

Transition Team sounds like an action hero coalition for nerds

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

This video is an absolute joke. While it covered a few of my transition proposals, there was more than one glaring omission. Like my committee to ignore natural disasters and my request to become prime minister of America – like what they did with Putin.

11/19/2008 10:18 AM, Washington DC
7 comments

Some more things I regret saying

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

 The other day I told CNN I regretted saying some things. Like “Bring em on” and “dead or alive”. Since that interview I thought of more things I shouldn’t have said:

 

1. That John Kerry was a hell of a swift boat commander.
2. Those New Orleans people party too much. God should do something about them.
3. Mayonnaise on waffles? How can I lose?
4. Deregulation? That’s such a big word it’s gotta be good.
5. You know what John Ashcroft needs to do? Sing.

11/12/2008 9:10 AM, packing up the White House
2 comments

Dammit! I forgot to vote!

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

I knew there was something I had to do yesterday. On Monday when I was going to bed I kept thinking “vote, vote, vote.” That usually helps.

But Laura woke me up with a list of errands. Dry cleaning, post office, I couldn’t even read the third thing. She should have put ‘vote’ on the list. Sometimes I think that woman’s out to get me.
 
I had to go to the pharmacy. I gave them my prescription and they said “ten minutes”. I was sitting there for a half an hour like a jerk. I was so mad I forgot where I was going. Wandered straight into a Blockbuster. You know they made another “Rambo”? And it was out. I was so mad I forgot where I was.
11/5/2008 9:59 AM, the couch
6 comments

I’m tired of 9/11 Day

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

Remember that movie where Bill Murray and that kooky groundhog drive the truck off the cliff and then they wake up in the morning and the same day has just started over again? Heh, I don’t care much for Bill Murray, but any movie with a groundhog drivin’ a truck off a cliff… well that’s a movie that’s gonna make W’s top ten.

9/12/2008 2:41 PM, Washington DC
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It's senior prank time!

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

One of the best parts of being a lame-duck president is senior pranks. I looked it up in my Mr. Peanut Presidents of the United States Coloring Book. In the last year of your presidency, you're allowed to pull senior pranks on the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

It took me a long time to complete my presidency, so I'm chompin' at the bit. A lot of guys like my dad finish their presidency in four years. I needed eight years, but so did Bill Clinton and everybody thinks he's smart.

Anyway, Congress is on vacation until September, and the Supreme Court doesn't get back to work until the first Monday in October. Talk about lazy government employees! Here's what I have in mind.

8/15/2008 11:32 AM, Washington DC
13 comments

My typical day as the former president

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

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<![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <![endif]-->It’s been about a month now since Barack Obama became president of the United States (POTUS, heh) and a lot of people are wondering what I have been up to. Believe you me, it is a relief to not be president anymore. Ever since he beat that woman in June, I have been living the high life. I have finally gotten to do all the things I’ve wanted to do.

They are letting me squat in the White House for a bit while I look for a new pad, and I have a secret to tell you: I haven’t seen Obama once. I’m not racist, but you know what they say about his kind and hard-work. Heh. You know.

Here is sneak peak into my typical day as the former Commander in Chief.

11am: Wake up.

11:30am: Really wake up.

12:00am/pm: Hot Cheetos and a Pepsi for breakfast while watching Dawson’s Creek re-runs on CW.

7/16/2008 1:55 PM, Washington DC
5 comments

I can never concentrate on Friday afternoons

By George W. Bush

Bio & Blog

It's always hard for me to concentrate on work come Friday afternoon. The main reason I took this job was to implement the 4 and 1/2 day work week. If the week ended at noon on Friday, then thursday would then become the new Friday -- in terms of care free attitude and excitement for the weekend! I could go down in history as the coolest president ever. But alas, No fun Nancy Pelosi veteod that idea.

So in silent protest, instead of doing work, I spend Friday afternoons trolling the internet for viral humor videos. I just found this one about me:

6/20/2008 2:58 PM, Washington DC
1 comment

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