As you could probably imagine, the job of president of the United States is a darned boring one, with not much to do. In previous years, I mostly just sit around at my big old desk for a bunch of hours, reorganizing files, lookin' real busy, waitin' for Dick or Condi to come in and tell me that stuff is okay and I don't gotta worry. And then I would spend the afternoon playing some golf.

But then someone pointed out that with all the hurricanes and the war and the terrorism and the scandals and the economy and the other scandals, it wouldn't look so good on the teevee for folks to see reporters sticking a microphone in my face asking me about all that tragic shit and I'm just sittin' pretty in a golf cart talkin' bout puttin'.

So I got off the course and onto the Interwebs. And lemme tell you, there's a lot of agitated people out there, and boy do they like to type about it! If I didn't know any better, I'd think that the Interweb was set up by and large to allow angry people to anonymously call me a "fascist douche-bag who is totally ruining America." Maybe it was.

But it's starting to get way out of hand. I mean, it's one thing if some pimple-faced prick in his basement calls me "an illiterate cowboy Hitler pigboinker" on some Interweb site. But when we got a whole buttload of people goin on to this Interwebs and typin' bout how I "drink the blood of Iraqi children" and how my foreign policy strategy "is basically like a retarded kid hopped up on pixie sticks playing whack-a-mole with a sledgehammer", I take great offense to that. Whack-a-mole is a great American pastime and should not be used for political attackery.

Now the real serious problem is that the Interwebs gets to decide what's awesome. There's no discussion. There's no vote. Like those pictures of stupid kittens I keep seeing. Those things are dumb. I don't get them, and I don't understand why they want cheezburgers so badly. I can't reason with the Interwebs that cat's shouldn't be allowed access to cheezburgers. I know I am right, but the Interweb has little regard for truth or justice. So when the Interweb Dictatorship of Terrorism decided that I was a "Babykilling Motherf*****g Israel-fellating Wh00000re", there was nothing I could do to bring people the truth of the matter: I don't eff my mom. Nobody does. Not even my daddy, and he's legally obligated to. Have you seen what she looks like?

And once the Interwebs made up its mind that I was not awesome, and that it was hip and cool to rip me a new one, that gave the green light to a whole barrelful of monkeys to jump out and start saying all kinds of mean an' nasty things about me, resultifying in the hatefest of the last 24 hours.

Just the other day, asshole/journalist Keith Olbermann, on his primetime cable news show, which I guess a bunch of people watch, told me to "shut the hell up". Then, the other week, responding to a heart-felt speech I gave to the Knesset yesterday celebrating the 60th anniversary of Israel, Congressjerk Joe Biden called it "bullshit."

None of this crap would have happened if the Interwebs hadn't emboldened these terrorists by making it "cool" to beat on me like a red-headed stepchild. I mean, for chrissakes, I'm just waitin' now for the Chocolate Rain Guy to come out with a song about how small my pecker is. Or maybe the next time I go on Google, the two "Os" will be replaced by my buttcheeks, about to be kicked by a giant boot.

America, if Democracy and Freedom is to survive, we can't allow a dictatorship of electronic terror to force its will upon us. We need to either take the Interwebs back and make it a safe place where people will not need to live in fear that a viral video will be made to torment them until they cry, or dismantle it completely so that our enemies will not be able to use it against us anymore.

I vote for the latter—once the Interwebs is gone, I'll have no choice but to go back to playing golf. 

Now watch this drive.