They are letting me squat in the White House for a bit while I look for a new pad, and I have a secret to tell you: I haven’t seen Obama once. I’m not racist, but you know what they say about his kind and hard-work. Heh. You know.
Here is sneak peak into my typical day as the former Commander in Chief.
11am: Wake up.
11:30am: Really wake up.
12:00am/pm: Hot Cheetos and a Pepsi for breakfast while watching Dawson’s Creek re-runs on CW.
1:00pm: Check my Gmail. If it’s all spam, I check up on my park in Roller Coaster Tycoon (Bush Gardens, Heh).
2:30pm: Some general or cabinet member asks me about something or other. I usually just laugh and laugh. It’s pretty great knowing that shit storm in the Middle East is someone else’s problem.
3:00pm: SNACK/NAP
4:30pm: Wake up.
5:00pm: Really wake up.
5:30pm: Shower.
5:50pm: Check my Gmail. Get dressed.
6:00pm: White House dinner. I guess if you are President once, you can eat there forever. And since Obama hasn’t shown up, I still get to sit at the end of the table and act like King Arthur.
7:00pm: Try to convince Laura to have sex with me.
8:00pm: Get pissed and go for a drive. I usually drink three or four bottles of Michelob to calm my nerves, but if I’m really angry, I ding-dong-ditch Dennis Kucinich’s place in Georgetown. That little elf falls for it every time. Heh heh.
9:30pm: Pull into the White House drive way. I play this little game where I try to turn off the car right on beat with whatever song is on the radio. I’m pretty good.
9:35pm: Masturbate in the shower. If Obama only knew the kinds of things I’ve imagined in his shower. Woo-ee, Pelosi.
10:00pm: Check my GMail one last time and get some long deserved rest.
There you have it, America. I’m not dead or unhealthy or hiding; I’m just living the American dream. And if you see Obama, tell him he can take his time. I haven’t had this much fun since September 10, 2001!
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