One of the best parts of being a lame-duck president is senior pranks. I looked it up in my Mr. Peanut Presidents of the United States Coloring Book. In the last year of your presidency, you're allowed to pull senior pranks on the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
It took me a long time to complete my presidency, so I'm chompin' at the bit. A lot of guys like my dad finish their presidency in four years. I needed eight years, but so did Bill Clinton and everybody thinks he's smart.
Anyway, Congress is on vacation until September, and the Supreme Court doesn't get back to work until the first Monday in October. Talk about lazy government employees! Here's what I have in mind.
For Nip 'n Tuck Pelosi, I'm thinking maybe a dead chipmunk in a file cabinet. I got plenty--Barney brings me one nearly every day. That'll make her face lift sag.
For old sourpuss Harry Reid, I'm gonna roll a 16 oz. package of Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage under his desk where the cleaning staff won't see it. It should smell real nice after two weeks in the August heat.
For Chief Justice Roberts, I'll probably go easy on him. Maybe just fill up his private bathroom with foam packing peanuts, somethin' kooky like that. I don't wanna piss him off too much. I may need him on my side if Cindy Sheehan sues me or somethin'.
Al Gore:
Your entire presidency has been a "senior prank," collectively committed by you, your administration and the citizenry of Florida. Now bend over so that I can insert this hanging chad.
8/15/2008 11:52 AMGeorge W. Bush:
You're just sore because you never made it off the junior varsity of vice presidencyhood.
8/15/2008 2:46 PMBill Clinton:
Look. Anyone want a cigar?? I got one just a steamin.
8/20/2008 2:07 PMAl Gore:
I would love to puff your cigar.
8/22/2008 12:18 PMCalifornian FISH !!:
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Californian FISH !!:
.....Wwww........OOOOOooo.......WWWWwwwwwww................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................this has got to be the most Fake, Phony, Sham blog that has ever existed in human history............got to give you credit for trying..BUT this is FAKE.
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8/29/2008 2:05 AMFake Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake Fake
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Anonymous:
...Fail
8/29/2008 2:07 AMSamuel L. Jackson:
Snakes on a plane!
9/10/2008 9:27 AMChristopher Walken:
I have a suggestion for you W. I once pranked a young co-star of mine real good. You see, when he was out of his trailer reading his lines into that machine that makes movies, I went into his trailer and hid in his bathroom. When my young co-star returned, I pranked him in the face with a tire iron. I'm sure he would have thought it as funny as me, if he wasn't so busy crying and trying to pick his teeth up of the floor. Now that I think about your presidency, I think I may just turn up in the Oval Office one day and repeatedly prank you.
9/12/2008 3:21 PMGeorge W. Bush:
I can't keep it secret anymore. I saved one more BIG prank before the end of my presidency, and I saved it for all of YOU people who continually gave me low approval ratings. How's your economy now, bitches? I can't take all the credit for this very funny recession-prank myself (I know Mr. Walken must have liked it), I have to give credit to the assistance provided by my friends on Wall Street who made off with all of YOUR money and used it to pay for their spa trips, drinking binges and "hooker, coke and hotel weekends." So, there, America, suck on that!
10/14/2008 1:40 PMBen Bernanke:
George, stop giving our secrets away.
10/17/2008 11:34 AMChristopher Walken:
Mr. President, sir, I have to tell you that I do not find your prank funny at all. Where is the blood and permanent disfigurement? Financial ruin just isn't that funny. By the way, I've got a full schedule of baby-snatching and devouring through the Christmas holiday, and I'd still like to pay you a visit. Could you please provide me your forwarding address, so that I can show you what a funny prank looks like?
10/21/2008 5:15 PM