You know what really gets my ganache? Assholes like Thomas Keller. That bastard got the consulting job for Pixar’s Ratatouille. No one even called to interview me for the job.

Now, I haven’t seen this new animated Bee Movie by that Seinfeld guy, but if there was a culinary consultant for that picture, I really think I might lose my shit (Or at least get a new agent). I was born to consult on that movie. I’m a freaking honey expert. I mean, not officially, but I just know I could have added a lot to the film. Did you know that there are all different kinds of honey? Did you know that Thomas Keller knows nothing about honey? I wonder if they called him to consult on Bee Movie. Probably.

Ooh, he’s got Michelin stars. Ooh. Let me tell you something: everyone knows that the American Michelin stars are about as respected as Paris Hilton.

I ate at Keller’s restaurant in Yountville recently and saw a little plastic squeezy bear of honey in the kitchen. The kind you see in a supermarket. You wouldn’t find that shit in my kitchen. Who knows. Maybe there aren’t any food parts in Bee Movie. That would make me feel better. I guess what gets to me most is not so much that I wasn’t selected as a consultant for Ratatouille, it was more that Thomas Keller was.

I hate him.

He runs French Laundry and Per Se and many other floofy places with such a condescending air. He thinks he’s some rare cerebral chef - an intellectual cook. He’s really just a persnickety, insecure bastard who cares only about minutiae, like steaming the wrinkles out of the napkins. I call it the pussyfication of the fine dining restaurant.

And don’t get me started on his painfully contrived dishes where he pairs high-end versions of the ingredients you’d find in peasant food and then gives it a name meant to remind you of your childhood. ‘Look at me, I’m Thomas Keller and I just made my own pretzels out of a special flour and then filled them with a semi-soft cheese like Crottin de Chavignol and voila! it’s an haute cuisine version of Combos! Hey everybody, remember Combos!?!’

Give me a break!