
And I’d do it again.
I was driving through Pennsylvania the other day (like I do every Monday) when I had a hankering for a Venti nonfat decaf latte with two Splenda. I saw a Starbucks (with a fucking drive-thru, mind you) and pulled up. When I got to the window to get my drink, the fucking drive-thru worker tells me the person in front of me paid for my drink. I thought, “Nice. Free drink for Gordo. Fame is good.”
Turns out everyone was buying free fucking drinks for each other — for like two fucking hours. I thought it was just because the car in front of me noticed my signature hairstyle and wanted to buy a celebrity some coffee. So after two hours, this cheer chain of goodwill came to an end. Do I feel guilty? Fuck no.
I’m all for holiday fucking cheer, but please. You’re not going to change the world by making espresso-sipping lawyers your charity. Take the four fucking dollars you spent on the guy in the BMW behind you and buy some fucking food for that poor bloke across the street who’s living in a discarded box from a wet/dry vac.
Is it just me or is fucking Starbucks not the place to dole out the donations?





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