Looks like Gordon Fucking Ramsay (that's me) started another trend: the celebrity chef blog. Unfortunately -- and predictably -- all (except for mine) fall short of the goal: to be even remotely readable.

Most of these fucking wastes have already proven that they're woefully untalented in the kitchen. Now they're proving their fucking worthlessness as bloggers. Sorry, but I call it like it I see it. 

The Los Angeles Times did a nice fucking puff piece on my followers -- the chefs who decided to fucking start writing after old Gordo did it first. These wankers didn't even own computers until they found out I was blogging on News Groper. (Of course, they bought Gateways and Dells. I type on a 17-inch MacBook Pro. That MacBook Air is for pussies.) I decided to check out some of these other blogs and report back my findings. Here is my report: They suck.

Michael Symon calls his blog Symon Says. Get it? I do. And it's stupid. Stick to cooking in Cleveland buddy. Your food gives Clevelanders just one more reason to want to commit suicide. Listen, I'm not Lynne Truss by any stretch, I make my share of punctuation and grammar mistakes. But don't fucking mis-punctuate your own fucking blog's tagline as you do (hint: chef's needs an apostrophe). 

Laurent Gras' blog is the reason we should levy hefty fees to start a website. Like $8 trillion just to register a domain. It's vapid, it's self-conscious, it's plain fucking annoying. Stick to cooking my friend. Wait, don't stick to cooking. Just...do something else.

Mario Batali's blog reads more like my daughter's text messages -- but is less coherent. I can't blame the obese orangeman too much. For all I know, he's trying to hit the right keys, but is instead pressing several at once with those meaty fingers. In any case, the writing is incomprehensible and his over-reliance on the ellipsis is fucking grating. Also, he is a fat fuck.

At the other end of the spectrum is Gordon Ramsay on News Groper. Ramsay's insightful, witty, smart, biting and educational outlet on the web is utterly indispensable. Though Scottish-born, Ramsay is an American treasure and has brought the pleasures of the table to this country by opening up several first-class restaurants. His glorious writing and inspirational cooking are surpassed only by his illustrious television career.

There you have it. My unbiased take on today's chef blogs.