So the New York Times decided to break a story this week: it turns out that this summer, American kids are fat! Who fucking knew? And it looks like cheese-fries are the bloody culprits. You mean that when kids eat deep-fried, starchy vegetables covered in Velveeta, it's not good for them? And all this time I thought raw fruits and vegetables were to blame.

My God, parents, is it that fucking hard to make your kids a fucking salad? Is it impossible to make them a sandwich without using Wonder Bread? It's a freakishly white, nutrient-depraved sponge-like substance that even pigeons know to stay the fuck away from. Why do you all insist on feeding your children chemical-waste? It's pretty fucking simple. If you serve your kids mutant food, they are going to look like mutants.

Parents, the worst of it is, it's easy to make healthful food. Add a little arugula to your eggs. Dust some truffles onto your kid's grilled cheese and make sure that it's made with local and organic mozzarella cheese, fresh greenhouse tomatoes and rosemary focaccia. Or add some snap peas and baby-carrots to your humble goat cheese risotto.

And another thing, for fucksake, play with your kids. You bred those fucking mongrels, now suck it up, deal with it and play with them. I don't mean play with them like Michael Jackson did you sick perverts. I mean get up off your lazy asses and take them to the park. Play Frisbee, handball, soccer, whatever -- just get them moving and move with them. Maybe, just maybe, you'll even lose a little lard off your ass.