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Gordon Ramsay’s Blog

If passion is measured in four-letter words, then Gordon Ramsay is one of the most passionate people alive. An eminently accomplished and respected professional chef and restaurateur, Ramsay has amassed a total of 12 Michelin stars. Ramsay, born in Scotland but raised in England, was a promising footballer before injury thwarted those dreams. But his cooking skills proved extraordinary enough to help him succeed in the restaurant world. And his mouth proved foul enough to get him on TV. A lot.

Food writers, what the fuck did you think would happen?

By Gordon Ramsay

Kim Severson wrote a groundbreaking story today that discusses the plight of food writers -- specifically how fucking fat they've gotten over the years from gorging their gullets on countless free meals.

I mean, who woulda thunk it? How could this one food blogger mentioned in the article ever have guessed that constant face-feeding would lead to his health problems. I mean, you'd never guess trouble was on the horizon, even when Severson describes the Batali-esque writer in the following way:

"He weighed more than 400 pounds, his blood pressure was dangerously high and his blood was thick with glucose and cholesterol."

 Interesting. All the medical problems must have hit him out of nowhere like a ton of banana cream pies.

3/20/2008 1:39 PM, New York
3 comments

Fancy new News Groper, same assholes running things

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

 You might have noticed that News Groper is looking a little different these days -- sleeker and prettier. I wish old Gordo could take some of the credit. But I fucking can't.

During the planning stages for the new look, things were so top-secret around here. Every time I walked in on the editors and some of the apparently "more important" News Groper writers (like Ratner and Mr. T.) , everyone would just shut up. Like they were talking about me or something. I mentioned tons of great ideas for the new website, like letting users book reservations at my restaurants to letting people buy DVDs of "Kitchen Nightmares" and "Hell's Kitchen" -- all directly on newsgroper.com.  They'd just say, "Uh, yeah, we'll think about that. Good idea." Then they'd wait for me to exit.

As soon as I'd leave, I'd hear them start talking again, and laughing. The laughing hurt.

The only time those assholes asked me for anything it was for food. I'd fucking have to go down to the News Groper kitchen on the fourth floor and whip up a quick meal so they can keep their creative juices flowing.

 

 

3/19/2008 10:03 AM, New York
4 comments

Food blogging is to literature as the quiche is to fine cuisine

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

Looks like Gordon Fucking Ramsay (that's me) started another trend: the celebrity chef blog. Unfortunately -- and predictably -- all (except for mine) fall short of the goal: to be even remotely readable.

Most of these fucking wastes have already proven that they're woefully untalented in the kitchen. Now they're proving their fucking worthlessness as bloggers. Sorry, but I call it like it I see it. 

The Los Angeles Times did a nice fucking puff piece on my followers -- the chefs who decided to fucking start writing after old Gordo did it first. These wankers didn't even own computers until they found out I was blogging on News Groper. (Of course, they bought Gateways and Dells. I type on a 17-inch MacBook Pro. That MacBook Air is for pussies.) I decided to check out some of these other blogs and report back my findings. Here is my report: They suck.

Michael Symon calls his blog Symon Says. Get it? I do. And it's stupid. Stick to cooking in Cleveland buddy. Your food gives Clevelanders just one more reason to want to commit suicide. Listen, I'm not Lynne Truss by any stretch, I make my share of punctuation and grammar mistakes. But don't fucking mis-punctuate your own fucking blog's tagline as you do (hint: chef's needs an apostrophe). 

3/18/2008 12:06 PM, New York
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Don't steal my fucking recipes

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

506551064_05a83b47d5_m.jpgIn early February one of my cooks was stealing recipes, so I did what any rational manager would have done. I had my staff of 25 strip the fucker naked and wrap him in cling wrap. We had good crack watching the fucking arse squirm around like a sausage come to life.

When you think about, I fucking went easy on the bloke. I could have wrapped him in flypaper. Or I could have locked him in a room with a TV playing nothing but Kelly Ripa footage and SNL reruns.

3/13/2008 4:20 PM, New York
1 comment

Sorry for the fucking swear words, Delia

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

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Associated Press

Fucking Delia Smith, that washed up wanna-be chef, is apparently not “keen” on my choice of words. To that I respectfully say, too fucking bad.

As if to dig at me even more, she endorsed the likes of Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson. She even called Nigella’s eating on the telly “sexy.” I didn’t know Delia was a chubby chaser.

Why is Delia Smith still in the news? Why was she ever fucking on television for that matter? Here’s a way to stay relevant, Delia: write a book about pureed foods so old geezers like yourself don’t break your fucking teeth.

3/12/2008 6:38 PM, New York
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Liar, liar your apron's on fire

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

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Associated Press

Seems like chef Robert Irvine has gotten his arse in a spot of trouble, yes? Maybe now people will listen to the old adage “Never trust a chef with big ears, a huge muscle-laden body and a disproportionately small head.”

The annoying host of Dinner: Impossible on the Food Network (called that because it is impossible to watch) has been exposed as a liar — or at least an embellisher.

He claimed to be the highest order of Knights, the kind hand-picked by the Queen. But about the closest he came to that was playing chess and moving the fucking horsey around the board.

3/4/2008 6:20 PM, New York
6 comments

Put my reality shows on instead of SNL

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

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I closed my restaurant early Saturday night so I could get home to watch the first Saturday Night Live since the writers’ strike ended. I’d have been better off running my tongue along the blade of my serrated knife. Or swallowing raw chicken breasts.

That’s the best SNL could do after four months of being on a break? I thought they would have been spending the time working on scripts and sketch ideas. But it looks like the Guild really didn’t pick up their pencils and laptops and do work. Good for them for following the rules of the strike.

2/25/2008 2:30 PM, New York
7 comments

Sharpen your knives (and your fucking pencils)

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

ramsay.jpg

I’m starting my catering school. As if I’m not fucking busy enough. But frankly, I don’t have a choice. I feel it’s my duty to turn talentless assholes into successful caterers.

The curriculum is still in the early stages of development. But you can bet your brisket that it will be intense. Before any of my asshole students pick up a knife or a saute pan, they must attend the following classes:

  • Reality Television 101: Cooking up sizzling ratings
  • Menu Development for Spice Girls World Tours
  • Intro to Beckhams
  • The History of Foul Language
  • The Future of Foul Language
  • Advanced Four-Letter Words and Innovative Usage
  • Video Games Based on Celebrity Chefs: An interactive Seminar
  • The Word Fuck and Its Influence on Western Culture
2/4/2008 6:00 PM, New York
5 comments

John Mayer and his fans are an unintelligent and assholish lot

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

A long time ago, I called America pathetic.

I can’t even remember why the fuck I said it in the first place. But after reading Johnny “Top 40″ Mayer’s most recent blog entry, I’d like to reiterate that statement. America is fucking pathetic.

I come to work, sit at my desk, and write the best fucking blogs I can. Every day it’s the same routine: I mind my own business, grab a cup of coffee from the coffee station (Sam Jackson brews a nice cup of java.) Then I go to newsgroper.com to get my daily news.

What do I see? John Mayer attacking me for no reason. I need this shit? I’m a fucking celebrity chef. I have successful television shows and like 67 Michelin stars.

2/1/2008 5:55 PM, New York
2 comments

John Mayer: pathetic or just fucking sad?

By Gordon Ramsay

Bio & Blog

Anyone see John Mayer’s most recent post? What a sad sack of talentless shit that guy is. Makes me almost feel bad for the asshole, begging for a woman’s touch like that. Fucking pathetic.

amy-winehouseillustrate.jpgI decided to ask a female her opinion. Closest I could find was fellow UKer Amy Winehouse. I ran into her at the water cooler near my cubicle in the News Groper office. I mentioned that she had some confectioner’s sugar on her nose. She wiped it off and thanked me. We struck up a conversation.

I asked her, why is John Mayer is so repulsive to most mammals?

I couldn’t understand her response, but I think we agree: He just is.

1/29/2008 7:52 PM, News Groper Compound
3 comments

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