In early February one of my cooks was stealing recipes, so I did what any rational manager would have done. I had my staff of 25 strip the fucker naked and wrap him in cling wrap. We had good crack watching the fucking arse squirm around like a sausage come to life.

When you think about, I fucking went easy on the bloke. I could have wrapped him in flypaper. Or I could have locked him in a room with a TV playing nothing but Kelly Ripa footage and SNL reruns.

Associated Press

Fucking Delia Smith, that washed up wanna-be chef, is apparently not “keen” on my choice of words. To that I respectfully say, too fucking bad.

As if to dig at me even more, she endorsed the likes of Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson. She even called Nigella’s eating on the telly “sexy.” I didn’t know Delia was a chubby chaser.

Why is Delia Smith still in the news? Why was she ever fucking on television for that matter? Here’s a way to stay relevant, Delia: write a book about pureed foods so old geezers like yourself don’t break your fucking teeth.

Associated Press

Seems like chef Robert Irvine has gotten his arse in a spot of trouble, yes? Maybe now people will listen to the old adage “Never trust a chef with big ears, a huge muscle-laden body and a disproportionately small head.”

The annoying host of Dinner: Impossible on the Food Network (called that because it is impossible to watch) has been exposed as a liar — or at least an embellisher.

He claimed to be the highest order of Knights, the kind hand-picked by the Queen. But about the closest he came to that was playing chess and moving the fucking horsey around the board.

I closed my restaurant early Saturday night so I could get home to watch the first Saturday Night Live since the writers’ strike ended. I’d have been better off running my tongue along the blade of my serrated knife. Or swallowing raw chicken breasts.

That’s the best SNL could do after four months of being on a break? I thought they would have been spending the time working on scripts and sketch ideas. But it looks like the Guild really didn’t pick up their pencils and laptops and do work. Good for them for following the rules of the strike.

I’m starting my catering school. As if I’m not fucking busy enough. But frankly, I don’t have a choice. I feel it’s my duty to turn talentless assholes into successful caterers.

The curriculum is still in the early stages of development. But you can bet your brisket that it will be intense. Before any of my asshole students pick up a knife or a saute pan, they must attend the following classes:

• Reality Television 101: Cooking up sizzling ratings
• Menu Development for Spice Girls World Tours
• Intro to Beckhams
• The History of Foul Language
• The Future of Foul Language
• Advanced Four-Letter Words and Innovative Usage
• Video Games Based on Celebrity Chefs: An interactive Seminar
• The Word Fuck and Its Influence on Western Culture

A long time ago, I called America pathetic.

I can’t even remember why the fuck I said it in the first place. But after reading Johnny “Top 40″ Mayer’s most recent blog entry, I’d like to reiterate that statement. America is fucking pathetic.

I come to work, sit at my desk, and write the best fucking blogs I can. Every day it’s the same routine: I mind my own business, grab a cup of coffee from the coffee station (Sam Jackson brews a nice cup of java.) Then I go to newsgroper.com to get my daily news.

What do I see? John Mayer attacking me for no reason. I need this shit? I’m a fucking celebrity chef. I have successful television shows and like 67 Michelin stars.

Anyone see John Mayer’s most recent post? What a sad sack of talentless shit that guy is. Makes me almost feel bad for the asshole, begging for a woman’s touch like that. Fucking pathetic.

I decided to ask a female her opinion. Closest I could find was fellow UKer Amy Winehouse. I ran into her at the water cooler near my cubicle in the News Groper office. I mentioned that she had some confectioner’s sugar on her nose. She wiped it off and thanked me. We struck up a conversation.

I asked her, why is John Mayer is so repulsive to most mammals?

I couldn’t understand her response, but I think we agree: He just is.