So I’m forfeiting Hsu’s campaign contributions to charity. To what cause? I don’t know. Does it matter? Blind babies with AIDS? The Israel lobby? As long as we say charity, it all goes away like magic.

But this whole mess has confirmed what I’ve known for awhile now; my marketing team is too damn good. I swear they could market a shit sandwich to the croquet crowd. Previously they gave the world such gems as “name my campaign song” and the Sopranos spoof, and now, the word HillRaiser.

You see, any campaigner who can raise $100,000 is rewarded with the title of HillRaiser. (Instead of Hillsbitch or HellRaiser — because rather than actually doing bad-ass things like breaking bottles on people’s heads or cutting themselves just to feel the pain, HillRaisers bother their rich friends who write them a check so they’ll go away.)

Poor Hsu crumpled under the enormous pressure to acquire the HillRaiser title — a decoration which ranks in prestige somewhere between knighthood and the senior superlative of Most Likely To Succeed (I wanted Biggest Flirt — unfortunately Maine East’s yearbook staff couldn’t understand that giving it up makes one a slut, [cough — Tina McPherson] not a tease).

Associated Press