Relax people. Five million dollars is not that much money. It’s like eight or nine graduation speeches and a couple of Bat Mitzvah appearances.

As some have pointed out, the operative word in this story is loan. Unlike Romney who foolishly blew 36 million dollars of his own money, I will be getting paid back. So it’s not that big of a deal.

You see if Romney received a donation to his campaign, it would go straight into it. (Idiot.) But if you give me a donation, it’ll go to paying me back. See, I fronted you the money that you should have donated to me in the first place. Don’t think of this as some sort of Ponzi scheme. Think of it more like a False Hope tax. You naively let Barack charm your pants off you, and I’m here to bail you out. So give me the money to let me do that.

Also, allow me to make a wild accusation. Yesterday after I proudly announced that I had raised a cool million in a single day, Barack announced he raised 2.2 million. He’s on pace for another 30 million dollar month. And February has two less days!

Barack, what kind of operation is your candidacy a front for? Heroine? Cloned baby organs?

Readers help me out with this … (Note to my miserly supporters … leaving a comment is free)