The other day I blogged about how much the public needs this race — both the news outlets for ratings and regular people as a source of conversational icebreaker. Well you got it, six more months of me! Every tear, cackle, bitch and moan will be headline news. Glorious day! Come now, don’t look so frightened.

Now that my lifeline (and secret blog) have been extended, there will be some changes coming:

1. I will become a regular fixture on SNL.

Besides playing me, I also thrive in ethnic impersonations. My French prostitute and Chinese laundromat lady are particularly strong. I think I speak for all aspiring sketch performers when I say Alex Borstein’s “He looka like a man” character was the single greatest parody performance of our lifetimes.

2. Barack’s campaign manager David Plouffe is officially my blood enemy.

And I will use this blog to slander his plouffy name. If you’ve followed the election, you’ve noticed how Team Barack has employed Plouffe to issue their shapest attacks. He has called me many names including: “delusional,” “lunatic” and “pathetic.” Well it’s time to strike back. Did you know that Plouffe is gay? Except instead of normal gay men, Plouffe has a sexual appetite for boys dressed as pirates. I know, revolting.

Nice asymmetrical part, jackass

3. Fear-mongering the hope-monger.

The 3 am ambiguous phone call from bad people was child’s play compared to what I’m going to bring over the next several months on this here blog. For instance in my follow-up video, Barack will answer the phone, wearing a headscarf. He’ll laugh uproariously then speak in Arabic. The translation on the screen will read: “Yes, of course I will see to it that Mohammad drinks the blood of American children. Yes, I will strain the bone fragment out. God Osama, you are so demanding!”