There are some crazy rumors flying around that Barack and I have had "formal talks" about a joint ticket. This is simply untrue. If anything our talks should be characterized as "smug" with an air so tension-heavy, it's like a Mexican stand-off between God and Satan, but instead of guns they are holding detonation devices to trigger nuclear bombs. Also, that son of a bitch never wears a tie, so I think the most you can call anything he does is business casual.

After an awkward two-minute conversation about the weather (I think he even started talking about jet streams), I finally made my demands.  Here they are:

• After four years, we do a little ticket switcheroo and I run for your re-election.
• We split up the work load. You take agriculture, transportation and black issues. And I'll take health care, education, social security reform, foreign policy, domestic policy, international waters policy, and any other policies that should arise.
• We continue to debate after you're in office. This will create a healthy amount of openness between us and the American people. It will also give me a public forum to tell you how you're screwing things up.

• Taco night Thursdays. This is a potential deal breaker. What better way to head into the weekend then some cervezas and hot Latin beats? 
• We build a VP compound on the lawn in front of the White House. You have no idea, but the current VP house is so uncool! I think Gore's dorky spirit haunts it or something. We used to egg it all the time. Al would come out in an untied robe and silk boxers, shouting into the darkness. Then from behind the bushes we'd hurl more eggs at him and aim at his crotch. Once I hit him square on and he scram out, "Ahhh! Right in the berries!"  Who says berries?

So whaddya think? Please just respond on this blog because it's too awkward to chat in person.

 (Photo credit: Associated Press)