I'm the keynote speaker at the Convention tonight. And I'd be remiss if I didn't seize this opportunity to subvert Obama in subtle, passive-aggressive ways. Here are some I'm considering:

1. Make a plea for unity to my disgruntled supporters. But do this with a contradictory, sly grin that says "please continue to stroke my petty ego."

2. Continue the Reverend Jesse Jackson's flesh wound analogy ...

“Yes, there’s some wounds. Yes, there’s some scabs. But sometimes, underneath a scab, there’s a little bit of pus, but we have to put some disinfectant on it so we that can heal the wound and move forward. That’s what the convention is about.”

And other times decay and cell death can occur -- turning everything black and malodorous before an appendage is ultimately severed.

3. Instead of reading my prepared speech, read a letter to Penthouse. Use my sexy voice.

4. Open with an Obama impersonation in black face.

5. Rather than talking about Obama, bring the focus back to me and all of my accomplishments including opening the play book up for attacking Barack.