News Groper's celebrity bloggers are on indefinite strike. While we negotiate (indefinitely), check out Easy LOL to follow comedians on Twitter.

Hillary Clinton’s Blog

Hillary Rodham Clinton is a presidential candidate for the Democratic party and lifelong pantsuit enthusiast. A graduate of Wellesley College and Yale Law School, Clinton was the first First Lady with her own professional career before entering the White House. She learned many lessons in what became a political crash course. Asked to sum up her last 15 years spent in politics, Hillary commented, "health care, more like shmealth care."

I speak Appalachia real nice like

By Hillary Clinton

I'm writing this post because I just want to say to the hard-working white people of West Virginia that way too much has been made of my years at Wellesley College and Yale Law School. You've never heard of them? Oh, right. They're not in the Big East conference and not BCS eligible.

I know that the fact I went to "elite" schools can rub folks like you--only 17% of whom are college graduates--the wrong way. It can be a real burr under your saddle. It can make you feel useless as tits on a boar. So let me tell you in the pure Appalachia dialect of my Scotch-Irish forebears -- them schools never larned me nothin' I couldn't figger out myself behind a pair of mules bustin' sod.

So whenever some other Democratic presidential candidate who's won a handful of states that don't have nearly as many sewage treatment plants named after Senator Robert C. Byrd (pause for on-line applause) as West Virginia does starts talkin' down to you folks about bein' bitter and clingin' to your guns, you just repeat the message I saw on a man's sleeveless T-shirt in Wheeling yesterday:

5/13/2008 2:42 PM, New York
login or register to post comments

Final Exit: Escape from '08

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

You guys honestly don't think I have a good exit plan? What's the first rule in making a kick ass action film? Always bet on black. (That's why I doubled down my personal investment to my campaign with an 11 million dollar bet for Barack in political futures gambling.) But the second rule in making a kick ass action flick is always end the story with a climactic chase scene. So here's what I'm thinking:


Barack sits at a round table surrounded by guards who are brandishing automatic weapons. At the other end of the table is me, flanked by my entourage. My number one, Chelsea, stands directly behind my chair. She is wearing an eye patch and has a reputation for only arming herself with hunting knifes -- which has earned her the nickname Daughter Dagger. Barack slides some papers across the table.


"Just sign here and we have a deal. You'll be Vice President on condition that I never see your ugly face during my term."

I pick up my steel-tip pen and start to sign it. Then stop.


"Well you know what they say about beauty."


"What's that?"

All of a sudden, with the skill of a ninja, I back-flip onto the table then perform a flying leap and stab the pen into Barack's eyeball.


"It's in the eye of the beholder."

As Barack's men go for their guns, Daughter Dagger throws knifes slicing the arteries at their wrists before they can fire a shot. A chase up the stairwell ensues. We bust out a door and on to the top of a 50-story skyscraper. With an ak-47 pointed at us, Barack has Chelsea and I cornered. We get to the ledge and peer down to the miniature cars and ant-like people below.

5/12/2008 4:01 PM, New York

Just a normal laid back night

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

Hey everybody! How was your evening last night? Probably felt good to kick back after Cinco de Mayo, right? (We celebrated Monday night at Chiles in Ft. Wayne with the endless chips and salsa and four rounds of El Nino margaritas. Chelsea got pretty hammered and started railing on her ex-boyfriend. It was funny at first, but then it got kind of sad because she was a little too bitter.)

But last night? Nothing too interesting to report. Definitely nothing I need to blog about. I almost skipped posting today, but then I remembered something of critical importance: West Virginia!  Like did you know West Virginia is the wisest state? The median age is 40 -- the oldest in the country. Also the first federal prison for women was opened in West Virginia and the actor Don Knotts was born a native Mountaineer.

I'm sorry, I can't do this. All this spin is making me dizzy. Don fucking Knotts? West Virginia is one of those terrible states with a capital you can never remember.

5/7/2008 1:11 PM, West Virgina
1 comment

On the subject of my balls ...

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

Everyone is talking about my nads.

This past weekend, Indiana's ass-kissing senator and veep wannabe Evan Bayh was about to relay something a steel worker told him -- that I had "more testicular fortitude" than "Gucci wearing, latte-drinking opponents" when I silenced Bayh mid-sentence.

Why did I not want him to tell the crowd about my balls? Because it degrades women to align tenacity with the male genitalia. And also, the number one rule in hermaphrodite-outing is that you let the hermaphrodite out him/her-self.

But then James Carville finished the job when comparing me to Obama:

"If she gave him one of her cojones, they'd both have two."

Fine, I admit it. I have three balls. And I realize you probably have a lot of questions. Are all three balls in one scrotum or do I have a spare ball inside a spare scrotum like that extra button in the little plastic baggy that come when you buy a new shirt?  Is the third ball a mutation and hence smaller then my regular balls and ineffective at producing sperm?

Furthermore, are my regular balls as big as a man's or are the circumferentorally smaller at a ratio proportionate to the male/female body size differential?  And lastly, does Jamie Lee Curtis know about this, and do you guys have weekly tea to discuss your freak junk?

5/6/2008 3:22 PM, Bloomington

Just let me be president already

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

An article in the Times took a survey of some of the uncommitted superdelegates (aka Hill-Savers), and it concluded the picture for me isn't too bright. The prevailing philosophy among these superdelegates is to follow the mandate of the voters (who have mostly been blacks from red states, but whatevs). One of these unpledged superdelegates, who apparently moonlights as a NASA scientist, said:

"It’s about the numbers, and the numbers are the numbers. It’s not about hand-wringing. And Senator Obama has the lead."

Let me ask you guys something, would you really be that pissed if the superdelegates went over your heads and swung the election in my favor? Seriously would you be? Cause I'll drop out if the answer is yes. But I suspect -- and tell me if I'm wrong -- you wouldn't care too much. You might mumble something inaudibly about politics and the gov'ment, but then you'd forget about it the next day. You'd go back to your Grand Theft Autos and your slinkys.

5/2/2008 12:39 PM, New York

Turns out I won the nomination two months ago!

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

So today I declared that I'm leading the popular vote. And I didn't just flat out declare it, I channeled my inner 5-year-old to make the announcement:

"I'm very proud that as of today, I have received more votes by the people who have voted than anyone else."

And if I may add ... nana-nana-boo-boo.

In fairness I should qualify that this vote total includes Michigan and Florida, which went uncontested by Barack. Additionally, it doesn't include black voters because, let's be honest, those were "gimmes" for him. Red states that have no chance of voting Democratic in the national election obviously were left off this tally as well.

Hey, I'm just checking the numbers again, and apparently I won the nomination two months ago!

4/24/2008 12:16 PM, New York

Barack's got the girl back at his place all warmed up, then gets stage fright

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

Whoop-whoop! Thank you to all the old and dumb Pennsylvanians that voted for me. Old-timers, it's very selfless that you care about a future you won't be apart of. And blue collar workers, I never imagined so many of you would not get distracted by shiny things.

To rub salt in his wounds, I've been mocking Barack's ability to close the deal.

It's like he's got the girl back at his place for "coffee", they're talking about philosophical things such as the myth of soul mates on his couch and her feet are curled up under her just barely touch his leg. Then there's a silence that stretches on for a few moments too long. The air is thick with sexual tension. He thinks about the lean-in, but at the other end of the couch, it's as if she's miles away. She's ready for a move, but instead Barack awkwardly announces it's getting late and he has to get up early. Most likely because he's gay.

4/23/2008 1:08 PM, Philly

I fully expect to get utterly demolished tonight. Top that Barack.

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

By now many of you are aware of this dance we do leading up to a primary where we try to soften the impact of a disappointing result by lowering expectations and appearing aloof. It's kind of like when a guy gets turned down by a girl at the bar and he says, "Whatever, chicks with fat elbows aren't my type."

That's what I think about you Pennsylvania. You've got fat elbows, a gap between your two front teeth and thousands of dumb steel workers.

Obama has said he doesn't expect to win. Neither do I. In fact I plan on losing by a considerable margin -- by at least 10 percent -- due to the influx of newly registered voters and Obama's track record of rallying up the young vote.

After I lose, I expect there to be a huge outcry for me to drop out of the race. Pelosi will stop this will-she-or-won't-she endorsement game and finally just endorse him. She will also admit that she wants to fuck Barack. As will Howard Dean.

4/22/2008 12:41 PM, Philly

Sure vote for Obama if you don't mind a nuke melting your face off

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

Three cheers for propaganda! Watch my new video, it is a mastery of fear-mongering.

In a 30-second spot we managed to fit in the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor, some unidentifiable explosion, the Cold War, Castro, some cars sitting in traffic, the fall of the Berlin Wall, Osama bin Laden, a hand-written sign that says "no gas", Hurricane Katrina, a condemned building and a foreclosure sign. The director vetoed my idea to show that Terminator clip where the nuke hits and everyone's faces melts off -- but whatever -- this still gets the point across.

The implication here, of course, is that Barack caused all these past calamities and his disastrous effect on America will only increase exponentially if you elect him, and that you'll only have yourselves to blame.

The ad ends with a quote from Truman. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen." It's a curious metaphor to pick considering my famous "not wanting to be a house wife, baking cookies all day" line that Barack resurfaced at the debate.

4/21/2008 3:06 PM, Philly
1 comment

Obama vs. McCain is like would you rather eat glass or have your fingernails pulled out

By Hillary Clinton

Bio & Blog

If last night was a boxing match, it would have been one of those fights where I was pummeling Barack against the rope, and then the bell rings, but I get one last hit in and shrug off the warning from the ref. Then Barack's trainer removes his mouth guard and Barack spits out blood then says something indecisive about invading Iran.

Seriously though, I'm feeling good. Spring is in the air. I'm getting that sweet front-runner treatment and the voodoo vow Bill and I took for political immortality in exchange for our souls, seems to once again be paying dividends.

I mean, I even openly admitted to having baggage -- not just some, a lot -- and came away with laughs instead of more scrutiny:

“I have a lot of baggage, and everybody has rummaged through it for years.”

(For those budding comedians out there, that's called a self-depreciation play ... Also, don't miss my spot on Colbert tonight!)

At one point I was asked if I thought Barack can beat McCain? "Yes, yes, yes," I answered. But that's like one of those terrible hypothetical that has no desirable answer.

4/17/2008 2:37 PM, Philly
1 comment

Hillary Clinton Email Alerts

feed This Blogger's RSS Feed

News Groper Weekly Email

Get the very best & funniest of News Groper in our weekly email newsletter.