Huma’s got a better face, but Ashley has a better body

There are many victims in this Spitzer scandal: Silda Wall, Eliot’s hot wife; Ashley Dupre, the prostitute who may never be taken seriously as a Hip-hop/R&B hybrid musician again; the Jews. (Naturally.)

But the biggest victim in this scandal is me. I lost a pledged superdelegate. God damnit Spitzer, I would have taken care of your bizarre sexual needs if I knew this was the alternative. (See, I’m not a lesbian, I’m an opportunsexual. I wield my sex in which ever direction might give me the slightest political advantage.)

The replacement governor David Patterson is already a superdelegate and despite his blackness, he’s somehow already in my camp. Eliot’s vote will just vanish into thin air, which isn’t right considering it was supposed to go to me. So I have a couple of proposals of what to do with this orphan delegate vote …

In case you haven’t heard, Pulitizer Prize winning author and Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power called me a monster to a Scottish paper, then was forced to resign.

First, I’d like to shoot down these rumors. Simply put, if I was a monster, you wouldn’t be alive right now Samantha. I’d have snapped off your head with my claws, or ripped it off with my engorged green hulk hands. Maybe I would have burnt you alive with my fire-breathing breath? Or one of the snakes growing where my hair follicles should be would have poisoned you with its venom. Have those things happened yet? No. Argument won.

But do you know what I find interesting. That the Irish-born Samantha Power called me a monster to a Scottish newspaper when I have never seen anybody that resembled the loch ness monster more than Samantha.

Check it out …

Freaky, right?

The other day I blogged about how much the public needs this race — both the news outlets for ratings and regular people as a source of conversational icebreaker. Well you got it, six more months of me! Every tear, cackle, bitch and moan will be headline news. Glorious day! Come now, don’t look so frightened.

Now that my lifeline (and secret blog) have been extended, there will be some changes coming:

1. I will become a regular fixture on SNL.

Besides playing me, I also thrive in ethnic impersonations. My French prostitute and Chinese laundromat lady are particularly strong. I think I speak for all aspiring sketch performers when I say Alex Borstein’s “He looka like a man” character was the single greatest parody performance of our lifetimes.

2. Barack’s campaign manager David Plouffe is officially my blood enemy.

And I will use this blog to slander his plouffy name. If you’ve followed the election, you’ve noticed how Team Barack has employed Plouffe to issue their shapest attacks. He has called me many names including: “delusional,” “lunatic” and “pathetic.” Well it’s time to strike back. Did you know that Plouffe is gay? Except instead of normal gay men, Plouffe has a sexual appetite for boys dressed as pirates. I know, revolting.

Nice asymmetrical part, jackass

Yes we will! Ha! Did you see me break that one out at last night’s victory speech? It’s my new rallying cry.

It highlights the difference between Barack’s naive optimism (”can”) and my realist pragmatism (”will”). In fact, I’m ready to go further on my blog and officially utilize the future perfect — “Yes, we will do.”

I’m so jazzed up by this win last night, I’m ready to bust out a brand new tense for America. Future past perfect conditional — Yes, we will have done it America!

Politico came up with a list of five reasons I could make a comeback. Here are five more reasons …

1. America loves the underdog. Even if she is whiny and her message is “the best person to man the shit storm that is American politics.” I’m like the Kansas City Royals, except with a larger payroll.

2. I make jokes on the TV. First SNL. Then did you see me go toe-to-toe with Jon Stewart last night? I made him giggle like a little girl. He was totally feeding off my comedic energy and punches throughout the interview and not the other way around. Sigh, I miss improv class at Pine Orchard Community Center.

3. David Plouffe is an asshole. Not really a reason, but it was a new years resolution of mine to put that in any list I make this year.