Super smart people are always asking me, "Howie, will you ever run for political office?"  Not the way the parties are currently laid out. There are a lot of views I dislike on both sides.  Someone told me once that if I can't think of a solution, then don't complain about the problem....GOOD NEWS!  I've come up with a solution - I call it EQUALISM!

My system is simple - everything is shared equally!  You have everything in common with your neighbor.  Common job, common pay, common home.  We can even dress a like! What does having everything equal mean?  NO FIGHTS! 

R. Kelly -  I think this is well known, but I am a HUGE fan; so there is nothing more that I want then to see you go free. 

Allow me to throw some advice to your legal team. One simple phrase to the prosecution will clear all this mess up - "agree to disagree".  This gets me out of trouble ALL the time.

"Howie, the movie started at 8:30 - you're late!"...."agree to disagree"

"Howie, why does model #8 keep calling the house and hangs up when I answer?!"...."agree to disagree"

Or in your case "Mr. Kelly - you have been caught kiddi-fiddling"...."agree to disagree"

My apologies to ROSIE O'DONNELL & to her many fans that have helped me see clearly...

I have receieved SEVERAL emails and letters regarding my open dislike for Ms. O'Donnell, and finally, I "get it".  Thank you for explaining that Rosie is not a loser, but indeed AWESOME!  She's not afraid to "tell it like it is".  I now see that she's not vicious, but merely "edgy".   She's a great man and a great leader.

You know, the word "HERO" gets thrown around a lot these days, but when I declare Rosie's HERO-SHIP, if you will, it inspires me.  Thank you again, Rosie O'Donnell fan base!

-- Howie "O'Donnnell/Mandel - dream ticket for 2012!"  Mandel

PS: Huge women that are proud of thier bodies are just great!!!

(Photo credit: Associated Press)

Have you ever stood near a cliff or on a rooftop that didn’t have a guard rail and got this INTENSE nervous feeling – the kind that makes your fingertips feel like miniature hearts are trapped inside them? You aren’t nervous that you could trip exactly, but instead, this self-destructive urge engulfs you. What if I jumped? There's nothing to stop me.

This brings me to my point. I have that same uneasy feeling that I’m going to wire a bomb into one of the suitcases during the next show.

It’s just this strong, impulsive throbbing that I’ll mix some potassium permanganate (a purple powder openly available at your local drug store) with sugar which can serve as an oxidizing fuel and is more reactive when broken down finely with a rolling pin – then convert a J1 detonator into a remote-accessed electronic igniter.

Sometimes, late at night, God speaks to me through the voice of the banker. He mostly wants to talk about the Red Wings and I usually tune him out because I’M NOT A HOCKEY FAN. To be honest, I don’t like any sport that takes place on temperature-controlled surfaces. But recently God’s attempts at conversation have taken a more desperate and prophetic tone. The other day, for instance, he told me “the pretty ones must be sacrificed before the great cleansing will occur.”

I was all like, “Gee thanks, Big Guy! How about just a weather report and some stock tips and we'll call it a chat!"

There have been several disasters in the past decade - tsunami, New Orleans, 9-11, earthquakes, fires, etc - and what do all the victims have in common? I didn't know ANY of them. This begs an obvious question: Does knowing me save you?

After arriving to this now obvious conclusion, I quickly called everyone in my cell phone and explained my value. Am I more then just a man?  It's hard for anyone to know for sure, however after an informal survey of all 28 girls that hold the cases, 28 said "yes, Howie"!

Here is my pledge - I WILL SAVE YOU!

I'm not sure who the guy was that "invented" the stop sign, but I really hope he wasn't given too much credit.  I mean, HOW SIMPLE WAS THIS TO INVENT???  This could easily have been my brain child had my timing been different - except mine would have looked AWESOME!  Full of reflective stripes coupled with graphic cartoons of people getting into serious coalitions ... that would really make a statement.

Or a candle stick?? - the part of trying to get the wick to stay lit for an hour is ALREADY done.  Just stick it in something!  And don't get me started on shoe laces.

Here are a few things I can't invent that I would find very useful:

After a lot of hard work with tolerance, we live in a mostly judgment-free world.  So if you're like me you'll be surprised and disappointed to hear who's being judgmental - THE NEWS!   Excuse me CNN, but aren't you suppose to remain objective? 

I was watching a story about a father with a progressive look on parenting.  Do I agree with all his methods?  I can't judge, but what I do agree with is balance.  After the media's OBVIOUS slanted reporting, I feel it necessary to at least give some pros on Josef's parenting.

Who's child, at the age of 42, has near perfect credit?  Who has not become reliant on welfare or other government support?  Who's daughter never lies about where she's been all night?  Josef Fritzl, that's who.  I know these are qualities I want for my children.  Some cultures just do things differently.

While lounging in my gaming chair and watching the news, I was a little surprised to hear the latest story. “19-year-old Alia Sabur landed in the Guinness Book of World Records for having graduated college and becoming a University Professor.”  It saddens me that everyone is shocked that we now have a woman professor -  I'm happy for her!

I’m not claiming to have done extensive research on the topic, but I’m almost sure it’s happened before.  I remember when I was a student I had a female teacher on the high school level. I didn’t think to call the national media about it, I just thought to myself, “good for you”.

My brother-in-law called me last week and told me him and his wife were adopting. As a person raised and loved by birth-parents, I had to take a step back and look at adoption with an objective eye; however I really don’t get the appeal.

ADOPT-EES - if you have made the life choice to be adopted as a new born, you are getting involved in a lottery that doesn’t always pay out. Chances are your “mom” and “dad” spent all the money they had just to get you – and that includes the college fund. Right away you’re staring at a deficit. There’s a good chance you won’t even get that new car you want on your 16th birthday. Also, be prepared on those birthdays to hear how hard it was to get you. You may be hear “you better appreciate it” and “2nd morgages don’t grow on trees”.

ADOPT-ERS - there is an obvious up-side that I don’t want to over look; being able to reach bi-racial status. It would be nice to finally silence your nay-sayers and prove once and for all that you ARE tolerant of other races….look what you just bought! I also hear that after awhile they really start to look like their owners. However, I’m not convinced that having an alternative race choice is enough to warrant all the trouble of adoption.