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Howie Mandel’s Blog

4 ways to be safe this Ides of March

By Howie Mandel

Bio & Blog

Can I get a shout out from all the sports fans across America? This is the one weekend of the year that was created for them. Yes, that's right. March Madness: the popular sport of avoiding tragic downfall on the Ides of March.

Here are 4 easy steps to avoid demise this March 15th.

1) Avoid your best friend that has that look of treachery gleaming in his eye. You know that friend who is jealous of you and you've always suspected might one day shiv you in the side. This day was created for that purpose, so turn down his invitation of "Denny's on him". He might as well say meet me on the steps of Congress. (Side note: it may be advisable to avoid anyone that has a look of treachery in their eyes.

2) Protect your ears! Another popular method of assassination is getting poison poured down your ears. That is why I always wear ear muffs on March 15th. Actually I wear ear muffs on the 15th of every month, but that is because I have OCD.

3) Don't take any flights. You might want to go to Bermuda. Or maybe this is the weekend you and the misses finally booked that getaway to St. Petersburg. But you may want to reconsider. Birds are 3.1 times more likely to take down an engine on March 15th than any other day of the year.

4) Cut off the crusts on your PB and J's. OK, this isn't really an Ides of March precaution. It's just a plea I'm throwing out there. My wife never does this for me. She says "tear off your own damn crusts." But if everyone in the world did it, she'd feel weird if she didn't too. So, in the words of the great comedian Martin Lawrence, "Help a brother out!"

3/13/2009 10:28 AM, Rome
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Comments

Barack Obama:

Thanks for the advice, Howie. Since I am the most likely person in the world to be assassinated, I'll be watching my step on Sunday.

3/13/2009 10:27 PM