My brother-in-law called me last week and told me him and his wife were adopting. As a person raised and loved by birth-parents, I had to take a step back and look at adoption with an objective eye; however I really don’t get the appeal.

ADOPT-EES - if you have made the life choice to be adopted as a new born, you are getting involved in a lottery that doesn’t always pay out. Chances are your “mom” and “dad” spent all the money they had just to get you – and that includes the college fund. Right away you’re staring at a deficit. There’s a good chance you won’t even get that new car you want on your 16th birthday. Also, be prepared on those birthdays to hear how hard it was to get you. You may be hear “you better appreciate it” and “2nd morgages don’t grow on trees”.

ADOPT-ERS - there is an obvious up-side that I don’t want to over look; being able to reach bi-racial status. It would be nice to finally silence your nay-sayers and prove once and for all that you ARE tolerant of other races….look what you just bought! I also hear that after awhile they really start to look like their owners. However, I’m not convinced that having an alternative race choice is enough to warrant all the trouble of adoption.

Too little, too late Miley Cyrus.  You've had your day in the sun, but like most Hollywood starlets, you just waited to long to "show the goods".  Thanks but no thanks!

Sure there was a time when I would log onto my laptop and there you'd be ... my computer wallpaper that I spent the better part of a Tuesday putting together.

I'd show my friends several collages I made of you with pictures I obtained from both the newspapers and a private supplier. My friends would all comment on my unusual taste, then ask me to "please put it away".  Probably jealous they didn't have their own.

You can go ahead and join the ranks of others I've discarded like Mary-Kate Olsen and Jamie Lynn Spears. I wish you good luck in your flailing career and will kindly ask you (never thought I'd say this) to keep your clothes on.

Howie "nobody wants to see that" Mandel 

If you’re like me, it’s so hard to know what is and is not adultery.  Don’t get me wrong -- I would NEVER knowingly cheat on my wife, but what counts?  Can I playfully kiss a fan?  NO. Is it okay to visit a stranger, dis-rob in a candle lit room that reeks of citrus then shell out $135 (plus tip) an hour later? Turns out YES!

Now slow down because it’s not 100% free and clear. Some people (controlling wife) find it necessary to create rules. The most important rule being that if I insist on “extra marital massages”, I may only receive one from a man (or any red head).

Well, last Tuesday was a very long day. It started with a ridiculous parking ticket and ended with having to give a somewhat serious reprimand to the model that holds case #17 for not giving the “Hi Howie” in unison with the other girls (she’s always been difficult). All I wanted was my bi-weekly massage.

Finally, a pet with the responsibility level I can handle. From what I hear, veal is an easy to manage pet that needs little attention …you don't even have to walk them! These lovable creatures enjoy an all liquid diet and do not require natural light. 
 
The main draw back for me is that they are hard to find. I have combed the city in search of my very own veal. I've gone to every major pet store in a 3 mile radius.  Not only do they not carry this small, easy to please animal, but they refuse to tell me were I might find one.  Why so secretive?  Are they worried about loosing my business?  Here's my advice to those pet stores – fill the cages with veal!  You'll be sitting on a gold mine!

Howie "I Heart Animals" Mandel

I'm pretty good at telling what race people are just by looking at them. When I walk down the street and look around, it's easy for me to know if someone is BLACK, WHITE or OTHER.
 
While watching the democratic debates the other night, it hit me….Barack Obama is a light skinned black man. IT'S TRUE! Some of you may have already learned this through your own sources and others may have thought "why is that political candidate so tan?" My intention is not to alarm or upset people with this new information. If anything, I'm totally on board with it!
 
I've always championed equality, and sometimes that makes me unpopular. I have received nasty emails, lost friends and even a handful of jobs because of my progressive views on racial tolerance. I am sad to see that so many are upset that I, just a simple white man, am trying to fight racism ... single (white) handedly.

This is the 4th addiction goodbye letter I’ve had to pen and it doesn’t get any easier. This one may not have the same poetry as my farewell to Velour sweaters, but the passion is the same.

Dear Open-Faced Cheese Steaks,

You have hurt me. This has to end today; right now. I often think about the time I waited all day to eat because I knew I was going to score you for dinner. That was the same day they had ½ off a second cheese steak. I lied to my wife about where I was and yelled to her “you don’t know anything about me!” But she knew. She could smell you on me.