So apparently Steven Spielberg has quit his Olympic adviser position because he doesn’t like where we get our gas.

Photo by DanieVDM via flickr

Can you believe these Hollywood bleeding heart liberals coming over here and crying over our politics when there are ceremonies to be choreographed? Spielberg left in a huff when he found out we buy oil and sell weapons to Sudan. Big whoop Spiely, just tell me at what point in the song do the confetti cannons shower the mascot with magical stardust? Is it the coda? Fine, you don’t want to talk because you have “principles” to abide by. Blink twice if it’s the coda. Wait, you blinked once and kind of twitched a 2nd time. Were you telling me it’s the coda or did you just get some dust in your eye?

There has been a rash of deadly fires lately, killing many of my Chinese brethren. 12 Chinese nationals were killed in a cold-storage depot in South Korea. 11 die in fires and floods in Yanshan. 5 are killed in a fire at a chemical plant in Yunnan. These are all stories out of yesterday’s newspaper. What this tells me is that Chinese people are forgetting the value of proper fire safety.

As I’m sure you know, the key to remaining safe in the event of a fire is properly performing the Chinese Fire Drill (we just call it a fire drill in China). It is simple logic that if a building becomes rife with flames, the only way to save yourself is to run outside, hastily circle the perimeter of the building, and then re-enter the structure which is now engulfed in flames.

It’s just like the foreign press to twist a good deed into a scandal. Americans and Australians are acting outraged that we coated their children’s toys with GHB, the date rape drug. Well, before embarking on your holier-than-thou crusades, you’re ignoring one tiny detail: It was YOUR children who asked for it in the first place!

Surprised? Don’t be. Do you know how many elementary school girls there are skipping around like they’re the hottest thing on the jungle gym? They would rather write love letters to some air-brushed teen idol three times their age than share a carpet square with the nosepickers, thumbsuckers, and bugeaters during reading time.

Things have been pretty stressful in the office for me lately. The United States felt it justified to give uber-terrorist, the Dalai Lama, an award of merit, Mattel keeps sending back our carefully crafted toys (forcing us to resell them to the Eastern Bloc for a twentieth of the price), and to top it all off, some twit named Simon Goodley is pretending to be me speaking in English with a Japanese accent! What type of pathetic lowlife who’s not me would write a journal on the internet as if he were me? Come to think of it, what pathetic lowlife would not be me period?

Anyway, when things get me down like this, I like to take out a very inspirational photograph that I keep in my desk drawer for just such occasions:

photo by e-strategy.com via flickr

Did you see my speech on the state of the Communist Party earlier this week in which I derided the entire population for being extravagant, corrupt and wasteful? I always get so jittery standing in front of all those shameful people. You gotta understand, I make one error in my speech and the collective noise of 1.3 billion people saying “Dude, WTF did he just say?” would cause avalanches, earthquakes, and sleeping dragons to wake.

In my nervous desperation, I did something foolish. I called up George for advice. He tells me in his country, speakers imagine their audience is naked. He said that’s why he always stumbles over his words — he loses his train of thought looking at all the old and wrinkled bodies with hairs sprouting out of warts and contagious rashes. I hang up the phone, mid-sentence. It was time for me to go on.

With nothing to lose, I took his advice. In an instant, I had my entire audience naked. My mind panicked seeing all these sexual organs lewdly on display and I immediately censored it all.