Here’s a tasty tidbit not many people know about me: TOTAL SPORTS NUT! Yes, that’s me in the red body paint holding up a John 3:16 sign where ever there are sports to be played: at Ping Pang Qiu matches, Dragon Boat races, Tai Chi sessions at senior citizens homes, and Chinese Checkers (We just call it Checkers here) tournaments. People ask me why I hold up a sign endorsing religion, but do I really have a choice? I tried out that Morganna, the kissing bandit routine for awhile, but people kept questioning my sexuality.

I am keeping my career options open after this whole leading the largest country in the world gig is up. I’ve been writing weekly letters to ESPN for the past few years. All I’m saying is don’t be astonished when you see me introducing the Plays of the Week in the near future. Until then, I submit to you:

Most Valuable Player:
Yao Ming (Houston Rockets) - It is reasonable to expect around 62 points per game along with 35 rebounds. I plan on personally attending the congratulatory ceremony when he bests Wilt Chamberlain’s mark of 100 points in a single game.

photo by cybertaur1 via flickr

Rookie of the Year:
Yi Jianlian (Milwaukee Bucks) - Yi is just a young lad playing for the first time in a distant country, so we must remember to temper our expectations. Expect little more than 30 points, 17 rebounds, and 15 assists per game.

Comeback Player of the Year:
Wang Zhizhi (unsigned) - Career scrub Wang Zhizhi will finally realize he is playing against inferior American competition. Expect plenty of dunks over Shaquille O’neal and Tim Duncan. The lucky team that signs this career 4.4 points per game player will be picking up a surefire all-star on the cheap.

Coach of the Year:
Liu Qiuping (Shanghai Sharks) - Look for the New York Knickerbockers to fire that foul-mouthed philanderer of a coach, Isaiah Thomas, at midseason. The Knicks will then hire Chinese coaching legend, Liu Quiping who will heroically bring the team from the cellar to the cusp of a championship. To top it off, Liu will romance Anucha Browne Sanders like a true gentleman and bring her back to China to work in a Spalding factory.

NBA Championship:
Houston Rockets over Milwaukee Bucks in 6 - Yi is still young. While talented, he cannot yet compete with Master Yao. Both the Rockets and Bucks will learn that having four other players on the court is just a nuisance, so everyone else will stand off to the side in the first ever 1 on 1 NBA Championship series. I expect NBA commissioner David Stern to order at least one of the games to be played in China.

Sorry America, things aren’t looking so hot for you this year. I wish I could have predicted something positive for your ragtag crew of lovable losers, but I’ve gotta tell it like it’s going to be. At least you still rule your American Football sport … for now.