Have you caught it? The Olympic fever. You get it from breathing this toxic Bejing air. Zing! That was a joke told to me by assistant health inspector Zhang Lin.

Kidding. Everyone knows our air is as pure as the sweet breath of a precious child sledding on a chilly wintry day. And I just checked and can't find a record of any assistant health inspector named Zhang Lin so I must have imagined that joke in my head. How silly!

There are a few other news stories I'd like to comment on:

'Lost Boy' of Sudan to serve as U.S. Olympic Flagbearer

First of all can we stop calling them Lost Boys? They've all been found by now, or eaten by lions. And it doesn't seem fair that the Americans are cherry-picking African long distant runners. If anything he should be on our team. Without China blocking rescue efforts to protect our stake in Sudanese oil, this boy wouldn't have discovered his running talent from sprinting across Africa.

China revokes visa of Olympic gold medalist Joey Cheek

Joey Cheek is a speed-skater! Speed-skating is a winter sport. If we granted visas to every Winter Olympic athlete, we'd be even more overpopulated. What's next, visas for Spring and Fall Olympic athletes? Also Joey's middle name is butt; he would have been laughed all the way to Tibet. (Which doesn't exist.)

Bejing wins bid to host the 2008 Olympic games

Incorrect. Wrong. EEE-EE! (That was a game show sound effect.) No Olympic games in this large nation-state. I can check again, but I'm pretty sure we aren't hosting any ginormous international event that would draw attention to questionable humanitarian actions. Now everyone go away.