Hello friends. I know many people in America have been fascinated with these elections taking place, and Ol’ Hef is no different. Well, now that all the papers and talk show blowhards and even athletes and actors have made their choices known, its time for Hef to break down the issues that matter …

Hef votes for Change. Hef votes for Experience. Hef votes for Leadership. Hef votes for Hillary Clinton.

And, no it’s not because Hilary is a woman. Heck, I still am not 100% convinced she is a woman. You know, I offered her a ton of cash after Bill’s last term to pose in Playboy. I told her she didn’t even have to show too much T or A, but she refused, saying something about disenfranchisement of women or some other neo-liberal nonsense.

Hello friends. You all may have seen the recent news about me asking Lindsay Lohan to pose naked for Playboy. If people want to see the young starlet as Marilyn partially naked, then they will definitely want to see her fully naked!

But I do want to make perfectly clear to you, my most loyal fans, a few important things. First, I don’t find Ms. Lohan particularly attractive in the least. Second, comparing Lindsay Lohan to Marilyn Monroe is like comparing a Bud Light to Dom Perignon ‘68 or a beat-down used jalopy to a Ferrari. Third, I have my reservations about how well the magazine will sell. I have seen the numerous shots of Ms. Lohan exiting her car without panties on, the hundreds of pictures of her exposed breasts and heard of the countless guys she has slept with.

Hello friends. Another Valentines Day has come and gone and I hope it was as sexy and enjoyable for you as it was for me; although that’s highly, highly unlikely. (Not many people know, but when the holiday was first invented back in the 50’s, Hallmark asked me to be the spokesman for Valentines Day. Well, Hef doesn’t commercialize his sex appeal, so I declined.)

But I’m blogging today to discuss two recent news stories. One about the porn industry and the other about Rambo (strangely unrelated postings).

The first has to do with the recent earning announcement from my company, Playboy Enterprises. My friends, do you need any more proof than this that free internet pornography is killing the adult entertainment industry?!? Pundits discussed Playboy’s earning and wondered if our poor results were the harbinger of a recession. Recession?!? Those kats need to read their history books. Adult Erotic Films and Material are recession proof. When times are good, you buy pornography to relax from work. When times are bad, you buy pornography to forget about your crappy situation.

Hello friends. You know the number one question I get from friends is to help them with talking about sex with their partner or partners. Sex can be a strange thing for some folks. Too many people are not comfortable with their bodies, and well, given how fat the average person is, there is a darn good reason for their insecurity. So before we move on, put down the fork and get in the darn gym America! There is nothing less sexy then not knowing where one body part ends and another begins. Tighten it up folks!

Ok, now that we are clear on that, let’s get down to the business of the day. While making sweet love to your partner there is nothing more important than communication. Every person is different. Just because you last lover liked a finger gently inserted into her ass during intercourse, that doesn’t mean every woman does. So talk to each other, you will be surprised how much you can learn by discussing your love making openly and honestly.

Of course the foundation of that discussion requires some classy but sexy dialogue for the body parts that you will be caressing, pinching, licking and penetrating. I like to refer to Breasts as The Twins, but sometimes Fun Bags or Honkers. When referring to either butt cheeks or the anus, you can just say butt or ass.

Ewwww (AP)

Hello friends. Seems like every time Ol’ Hef turns around some new fangled technology is changing the world. First there was the personal computer. Then the internet came along. Now I hear about on-line dating, and well, that is just taking it a step too far! You can’t trade the feelings of nervousness and excitement during that first hello for a computer telling you who to date. You can’t digitize a seductive look from across the room. You can’t replace the smell of a woman’s perfume for the click of a mouse.

Match.com, Fling.com, jdate.com, christianfriendfinder.com? Where should I begin with what is wrong with all these? First, just looking for partners in one group or another limits your choices and should never be done. Hef has had ladies from every corner of this earth, from every race, creed and religion. Don’t make me remind you that variety is the spice of life! Quite frankly I am a little surprised the UN has not given me an award for being the ultimate example of non-discrimination and multiculturalism. The only thing I won’t do is fat or ugly.

Photo via IMDB

Sylvester, please stop.

A new action film at 60? Trust me when I say this, no one wants to see your old body. It’s just a part of life, as we grow older our bodies become less appealing, so we cover them up. I am even wearing longer velvet robes these days.

Do you see me out there in the clubs until 5am anymore? No, I usually head home now about 2am these days. You see, as I get older, I scale back; I don’t do the things I used to do anymore. Do you think I will put Pam Anderson in Playboy when she is 40? No. Do you think I would put Britney Spears in when she is 30? No. The same goes for you and action movies. Just stop.

Associated Press

Hello friends. I don’t know if you saw the news yet, but Pamela has filed for divorce. For those of you who didn’t even know that the ultimate Bay Watch Beauty and Playmate of the Year had even gotten married, well you just need to do a better job of keeping up and focusing on the important things in life!

Darling Pam was wed just 10 weeks ago to an unsavory character. His name is Rick Something, and you may remember him for his dreadful sex tape with the elegant Paris Hilton. This Rick guy was no good for my Pam, and I told her such on many occasions. I am glad to see she has finally sobered up (sometimes it take 10 weeks to sober up from a real bender!)

Now I will tell you America, what I have told Pam countless times. She belongs with Tommy. Now I have nothing against this Kid Rock fella. Shoot, he seems like a decent kind of guy. But Pam and Tommy are meant to be together and hopefully this recent snafu, will allow the light of their paths to cross once more.

Hello friends. Well ol’ Hef is a little hot under the collar this morning. I read about the sale of adultfriendfinder.com to Penthouse for $500 million! Yeah, that’s right friends, you read that correctly, $500 million. Shucks, all of Playboy Enterprises is valued by those kats on Wall Street for only $300 million. I mean how is it that some kid who started his business in erotic entertainment less than three years ago is worth more than The Hef?

If there was no Playboy, there wouldn’t be a Penthouse, a Hustler, a Jugs, an Over 40, a Black and Beautiful, an Anal Explorers Monthly, let alone all those new fangled websites.