Photo via IMDB

Sylvester, please stop.

A new action film at 60? Trust me when I say this, no one wants to see your old body. It’s just a part of life, as we grow older our bodies become less appealing, so we cover them up. I am even wearing longer velvet robes these days.

Do you see me out there in the clubs until 5am anymore? No, I usually head home now about 2am these days. You see, as I get older, I scale back; I don’t do the things I used to do anymore. Do you think I will put Pam Anderson in Playboy when she is 40? No. Do you think I would put Britney Spears in when she is 30? No. The same goes for you and action movies. Just stop.

Of course, this does pose a bit of a dilemma for you as you have been pumping your body full of steroids for so many years in order to continue making these films. You can’t just get yourself a nice set of young play things like I have because the steroids have caused your testicles to shrink to the size of raisins. Well, I invite you to come and spend your retirement at the Grotto.

Your small testicles and increasingly unattractive body will not be mocked. We offer you shelter so that you can grow old gracefully and not bother the movie going public again. Mr. T is here, and we are just waiting for Arnold to finish his term before he moves in. I am sure now that Hulk Hogan is single he will move in too.

So please Sly, stop embarrassing yourself and join us for some cool drinks and hot nights.