I’ve always touted flexibility as the cornerstone of any lasting relationship. What good is a girlfriend if she can’t perform the splits whilst suspended from the ceiling fan? (This was not a rhetorical question, send your responses to NaTiOnALizEThiSxxx@gmail.com)

Soon enough our national currency, the bolivar, will be allowed to fluctuate, lending it the same suppleness as one of Putin’s bionic female gymnasts. Just imagine the currency adjustments we’ll be capable of: devaluations, appreciations…Well I guess there are only two. Regardless, it’s enough to get la pasión back into Venezuela’s impotent financial market. For way too long exchange controls have been the life support of our currency; I guess you could say that they put the IV in the bolivar. (Medical joke! Jajaja! Good one Chavez!)

Not to get too personal but El Chavez’s current lover, Juana, would do well to follow the bolivar’s lead and limber up a bit. Maybe next time we make the love she could use the manual I gave her for Christmas two years in a row. Or perhaps she might want to consider surprising me by introducing some bedroom toys. Like a pummel horse. Come on, I’m not asking you to defy gravity here.