Eliot Spitzer, You make the Hulkster sick to my stomach. Sure, the Hulkster had an affair with a lady named Christine, sure he has estranged himself from his whole family and friends, but at least he did it with the most unattractive woman he could find.

And with good reason, the Hulkster needs his heir. Brooke has muscle but no charisma, and Nick, well it looks like he’s spending the rest of his youth under house arrest. You are just a sleazy politician looking to bust a nut in some girl you found on Myspace. The Hulkster listened to her music and read her lyrics, and though I never thought this was possible, she has less talent that Brooke. Shame on you brother!

Maniacs, the Hulkster is sorry. I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the most breaking news of the week … the Hulk-a-Mania was caught cheating on his wife. What can I say? After all these years of heavy steroid usage, I’m a hormonal wreck. Brothers, you don’t understand, I’m like an un-neutered dog. I just want to hump everything. When I was on The View a few weeks back it took all the willpower in the world to not expose the 24-inch python to little Lizzie Hasselback. I guess that’s no excuse. After years of telling you to do the right thing, I let the world down. This is worse than when I defected to the NWO.

It wasn’t a sudden thing. Linda and I have been having trouble for years. After the success of Hogan Knows Best, she started demanding more money, more botox, and more time with the Hulkster. Between promoting Brooke’s successful music career, racing cars with Nick, and making appearances, I just couldn’t do it. It also didn’t help she started looking like the Jocelyn Wildenstein.

For the last 72 hours the world has been abuzz with the most high profile, exciting endorsement of the election season. No I’m not talking about Shriveling Maria Shriver, or Oprah, I’m talking about yours truly, endorsing Barack Obama on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. From one Mania to another, Barack … I got your back.

You know brothers, the first month of 2008 has been a roller coaster ride for the Hulkamania. I’m not talking about one of those wooden coasters you rode as a bed wetting 10-year-old, I’m talking about the real deal, Kingda Ka. On one hand, I’m having the time of my life hosting the American Gladiators. Just like everything else the Hulkster has done in his career, this is proving to be a SMASH hit. We suplexed Desperate HouseCrap through a barbed-wire table according to Nielsen.

On the other hand, as I’m sure all you maniacs have heard, the love of my life Linda has decided to leave me. The Hulkster hasn’t felt this low since the world premiere of Mr. Nanny. Not even oiling up my 24-inch pythons and watching my legendary match against Andre the Giant does it for me anymore.

In happier, boobier times (AP)