Maniacs, the Hulkster is sorry. I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the most breaking news of the week … the Hulk-a-Mania was caught cheating on his wife. What can I say? After all these years of heavy steroid usage, I’m a hormonal wreck. Brothers, you don’t understand, I’m like an un-neutered dog. I just want to hump everything. When I was on The View a few weeks back it took all the willpower in the world to not expose the 24-inch python to little Lizzie Hasselback. I guess that’s no excuse. After years of telling you to do the right thing, I let the world down. This is worse than when I defected to the NWO.

It wasn’t a sudden thing. Linda and I have been having trouble for years. After the success of Hogan Knows Best, she started demanding more money, more botox, and more time with the Hulkster. Between promoting Brooke’s successful music career, racing cars with Nick, and making appearances, I just couldn’t do it. It also didn’t help she started looking like the Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Christine (my mainiac-squeeze) and I have the perfect relationship. She’s in love with the world’s most beloved super hero, and I’m just happy she doesn’t mind I have D-cup manboobs.

But the legend digresses. I’m sorry to my family, to my fans, and most importantly to myself … FOR NOT DOING THIS SOONER. The animal is out, and the cage has been broken. And I make this a blanket statement to Linda, the FCC, and all the media demonizing the Hulkster: “Whatcha gonna do brothers, when the Hulkamania’s Insatiable Appetite for Freaks, GOES WILD ON YOU!!”