A fatwa was issued today against Apple Inc. for their continual and incessant updating. The situation had gotten so bad, that Apple has recently switched to a more nuanced system of sub-updates (7.0.2 instead of 72) that is really just regular updates in sheep’s clothing.

“Get it right the first time,” says the Profit Mohammad, founder of Islam and die hard Reggaeton fan. “Or don’t bother me.”

Computer user and celebrity web expert Hugh Jackman believes that too many updates contributed to the fall of other tech giants and could spell doom for iTunes. “What ever happened to Clarisworks? To Kid Pix? Both were great programs that updated themselves out of existence. Hey remember Ask Jeeves?” Jackman continued in a whimsical digression that I can print because I have no editor. “I used to do all my web searching there, but now Jeeves is nowhere to be found. And what’s worse, there’s no one to ask what happened to him.”

Shocking news out of Washington today, as the Senate drafted, voted on and passed a bill to officially change the name of Wednesday to Hump Day. The bill was then rushed to the Oval Office.

President Bush dramatically lifted up his feather-tipped veto pen that he inks in the blood of fallen soldiers and prepared to write a big X over the document when an unsuspecting hero burst into the office to save the day — none other than Ryan Gosling.

“Do not veto this important legislation, Mr. President,” the hip actor said. “The American people need a delightfully funny nickname to signal the midpoint of their weekly drudgery.” He reasoned, before adding. “Take it from me, I’m a hot guy.”

With that no man could argue.

Nancy Pelosi addressed the media on the steps of Congress. “This bill is a big fuck you to all my detractors who said my Congress has been impotent. Sure we are locked in stalemate about war funding and other boring legislation – but we are making headway in the bills I like to call Because We Can Legislation. Watch out for the No More Updates, iTunes bill, Every Man Must Grow A Handlebar Mustache resolution, and an extension on the 5 second rule to somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 to 10 seconds.”

Associated Press

Yes! Finally us journalists can report without fear of facing jail time for protecting our sources. Like for instance if there was a story about a wounded soldier who isn’t granted leave. Through some meticulous fact-finding, a certain sleuth discovers that in addition to a superficial wound in the soldier’s arm, he also has taken shrapnel in his eyes and has gone retarded in 65% of his brain. “He is a blind man in a blind war,” the journalist eloquently puts it.

But then some propaganda officials in the government subpoena his notes. Well now this ink slinger can say: “No, you can’t see them! Maybe I don’t have notes, maybe my notes are more conceptual, a ubiquitous energy force that is both an endangered Blue Whale being poached by Exxon for oil and the elderly woman who is without health care and is about to die of untreated cancer of the ass that she got from 9/11, the point is I don’t have to show these “notes” to you.”

And if this reporter gets a wicked quote from General Petreaus revealing his new plan to kill every Iraqi and replace them with the peaceful Kuarupu tribe of the Amazon, and the reporter’s needling editor wants to engage in the most time-wasting and stupid practice of all time: fact checking, the reporter doesn’t have to.

While creepily leering over a guy’s shoulder in an Internet cafe, I saw this blog post.

Associated Press

Look, obviously that’s not the real Al Sharpton blogging here at News Groper, but I need you to listen to me: I am the real Jayson Blair. Seriously, it’s me, I can prove it. I was born on March 23, 1976, went to University of Maryland.

As part of my reparation for that little boo-boo I committed a few years back, the Times has been forcing me to fact-check articles, making kind of like the journalism equivalent of Hannibal Lecter—a plagiarist used to catch other plagiarists.

So anyway, I’m reading this article about ginseng’s magical powers and a few red flags caught my eye:

Associated Press

1. The author’s name sounds too ethnic and likely made up as a way of advancing in the ranks of the Times thanks to affirmative action (trust me, I know how to do this). Norimitsu Omishi? Come on, the guy’s name is clearly Norman Owen, the whitest name possible.

by ninnet via Flickr

Look out, Jayson Blair is back to deliver groundbreaking news coverage around the clock … for this month’s McDonald’s newsletter! And the Times said I’d never work in the industry again! Suckas! Here’s my first hard-hitting article for McDonald’s Playland Monthly:

This Just In: French Fries Awesome
By Jayson Blair

Mayor McCheese officially declared today that McDonald’s French fries are “awesome” and “just don’t let that Hamburglar snatch them from you!” before entering a fun-looking plastic slide that dropped him into a ball-pit. Celebrity monster Grimace also added, “Why not supersize those fries for just 39 cents extra?” Ronald McDonald could not be reached for comment.

McDonald’s Editor’s Note: This Playland Monthly article contains the following errors:

In an ongoing effort to combat my lying problem, my therapist suggested that I start by writing just one truthful sentence. You know what they say: The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Well, here goes:

This morning I woke up at 7:30 a.m. and made breakfast consisting of two eggs, three strips of bacon, two pieces of wheat toast and a glass of magical orange juice that granted me three wishes.

That wasn’t so hard!

Boy, what is wrong journalism these days?