First, DealBreaker was banned from the library computers in my cell block at Waseca Federal Penitentiary. Now, it has been banned from Bear Stearns computers. I just have one message for these Orwellian, Alduous Huxley-an, Judge Dredd-ian pricks: technology is a force that cannot be stopped, despite your heinous, unconstitutional, big-government attempts of censorship.

When I tried to explain this to my prison guards, they were angered by the big words, so I got 72 hours in solitary and the rope taken out of my soap. As I was being tranquilized, I tried to explain I was just looking for a fresh, wry perspective on business news, but they were convinced that DealBreaker sounded like an online forum for inter-prison methamphetamine exchange.

It turns out I got out of solitary early, with an apology from the warden. He had misunderstood my case, and doled out my punishment thinking that I had been viewing the banned fellatio-porn website “KneelMaker.” I heard the exact same thing happened to this Eskimo guy in cell block B, who lost his courtyard privileges even though he was really visiting “SealBaker.”

I never got that soap rope back, but thankfully, I’m allowed to look at DealBreaker again. Hopefully, the Bear Stearns guys can just send a memo or something.