Associated Press

Oil is trading at $100 a barrel. Soon, households will max out their savings to heat their homes, truckers will have to take pay cuts just to keep their jobs, and soccer moms will be sucking dick for unleaded regular.

Brilliant!

While in jail I don’t have any contact with my former energy traders, I’m convinced that they are right now executing a top-secret scheme we devised just before the Enron collapse: Operation Jar Jar Binks.

Much like the now-famous price-gouging we did in Operation Death Star, Jar Jar Binks is a way to exploit (in corporate terminology, we say “employ”) feeble and inept old farts (“the Golden Generation”) to further our capitalist dogma of greed (“to foster favorable business conditions”).

• Operation Jar Jar Binks phase 1, “Nature’s Bounty”: Dynamite thousands of tons of Arctic glacier, ship to United States.
• Phase 2, “The Big Chill”: Pile ice down chimneys, in windows and under doors of elderly widows and untended geezers.
• Phase 3, “It’s Getting Hot in Hurr”: Old people crank heat to stave off the flash freezing of their brittle skeletons.
• Phase 4, “Back Up the Truck”: Heating oil demand sends prices above $100 per barrel.

So far, it’s all playing out as planned. If I’m correct, then a month from now, we will see the most important stage, phase 5: “Blow Profits on Hookers and Yayo.”