Associated Press

Damn you, Castro, for pulling my heart to pieces. On the one hand, I despise you for being a Commy bastard who associates with softy freedom-haters like Alan Greenspan. But on the other hand, I just can’t bring myself to disrespect you.

After all, Fidel, aren’t we similar, in a way? Two men of great power and uncouth braggadocio. I, the “smartest guy in the room,” you the iron-fisted president of a Latin American nation. I, a patron of Banana Republic, you the revolutionary dictator of the real thing.

And then, of course, the most tragic similarity: our demises. I, terminated by lawsuits and pussy risk-averse pensioners. You, a victim of a slightly less unrelenting intestinal cancer.

Now now, Fidel, don’t pop a halfy just yet. I must say, your accomplishments are impressive. But come on, a GDP of $45.5 billion? Enron had yearly revenues of $111 billion in my day! Maybe you should have started with an industrial revolution.