Associated Press

So Bavaria’s “most glamorous politician”, Gabriele Pauli, suggested that …

Huh. “Bavaria’s most glamorous politician”. Not sure if that’s even a compliment. That’s just the sort of qualifying the original members of Asia used when embarking on “The most anticipated 25th anniversary reunion tour by a prog rock-cum-power pop group. This year.”

Anyhoo, Bavaria’s “most glamorous politician”, Gabriele Pauli, suggested that marriage should have a limit of seven years, after which the couple can choose to extend the marriage or have it dissolved automatically. Pauli, herself twice divorced, is running to lead Bavaria’s Christian Social Union (CSU), which she accused of backing a vision of marriage that coddles social safety over personal happiness.

On yesterday’s Oprah, girlfriend tried to put my baby in the corner by asking him to give his assessment of the flat spin that is former paramour Britney Spears’ life.

Boyfriend played it surprised at first, using evident vulnerability for maximum audience sympathy. He then quickly established separation (’We haven’t spoken in years’), dropped it like it was magnanimous (’I mean, I’ve got nothing but love for her’), played the “youthful folly” card (’We were teenagers, you know?’), separated again in the corner of the end zone (’I don’t know her as well as I did’) then displayed a delicate touch (’What I do know…is she has a big heart’) in hauling down the big score.

Image via The Tyra Banks Show

Media hyphenate and fierce wig fronter Tyra Banks recently told reporters that she isn’t ready to endorse presidential candidate Barack Obama, who she will be interviewing later this month. This political hedging comes in marked contrast to the recent endorsement of Obama by Oprah Winfrey

“I love Oprah using her power,” said Banks, though “Oprah has been endorsing a lot of things.”

Banks, who has never ever shilled for a product she didn’t endorse 100%, seems to be using the Obama issue to stake her own position as a media and political kingmaker. But my sources tell me that the real reason behind Tyra’s equivocating is that she plans to endorse former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee as America’s Next Top President.

At a recent Elle photo shoot, Banks was overheard explaining her choice:

Image via South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Are you a dog owner and single? Are you single in large part because no human being could ever provide the affection and understanding that your pug, poodle or pit pull can? As the holidays approach, are you scratching yourself raw agonizing over the perfect gift for the cutest little thing on four legs? Yes you are the cutest! Yes you are!

Scratch no more, socially alienating dog owner. Courtesy of the Internets and your impulse buying habits, the must-have gifts of the season are a mere paw click away.

Associated Press

In his recent Life of Reilly column (”School for the Uncool“, 9/17/07), Sports Illustrated writer and Tom Brady groupie Rick Reilly mailed in the sort of adulatory filler that makes Parade magazine interviews look like an appearance before the Senate Armed Services Committee.

The piece has little of note amidst the ticking off of Brady’s god-walking-among-mortals attributes — humility, integrity, fidelity to self — until we get to this curious little passage:

O.K., you might say, but how cool is it to get one woman pregnant ([Bridget] Moynahan) and be dating another ([Giselle] Bündchen)? Well, a) Brady says he didn’t know Moynahan was pregnant until after they’d broken up, and b) Brady is aching to be a full-time dad. He was there three weeks ago for the birth of John Edward Thomas Moynahan.
[…]
Personal responsibility. Check.

Cue gagging? Check.

As an actress who’s spent some time in the company of athletes and their adherents, I can’t express much surprise at this sort of specious apologia. Sure, Brady might have been in the dark about Moynahan’s pregnancy. But one presumes that Brady, while having unprotected sex (Or can Tommy Boy blame this one on a breakdown in his protection?), had an idea that his boys would be as committed as Brady in driving to the end zone. Perhaps Brady should have audibled a Quarterback With-draw.

Ad image via AccuQuote

Like most of you, I give online ads about as much time as it takes to curse them and close them. Sure, the silhouettes of men dancing in zoot suits, or lazy ass office workers dancing away productivity, or just about creature living or animated dancing, will capture my attention the two or three hundred times. (I’m very proud of DeVry University graduates for those last ones.) Still, I have consultants and personal assistants to act as my cogs in the capitalist machinery, so why pay heed to online ads that won’t be generating any sell-throughs on my part?

Well, the above ad captivated my attention last night, courtesy of insurance selection service AccuQuote. A quick trip to the site features the sort of vague, ellipses-besotted quote that would make a movie marketing department proud: “Site performs well…in depth…lots of learning tools!” Classic.

Photo via NBC.com

Like the swallows to Capistrano, like the image-conscious to anything Apple, so does each new network television season bring its programming justifications. And while nothing for the coming Fall season approaches the soul-surrendering brilliance of NBC exec and American Gladiator reviver Craig Plestis, there’s plenty of ‘splaining to do for a season chock full of retreads (bionic women, vampire detectives)…err, “reimaginings”…and international pilfering.

With so much half-baked goodness, here are six shows that should keep an “It’s an honor just to be aired” speech in their pockets at all times. After which we can look forward to the “Audiences just weren’t ready for it” rationalizations by the green-lighting studio heads.

Samantha Who? (ABC) - A person with a history of doing folks wrong is involved in a car accident, after which said person has an opportunity to make amends for all previous misdeeds. Sound familiar? It should. In what should more appropriately be titled My Name is Samantha, Samantha Who? features Christina Applegate as a former bitch-on-heels whose accident-induced amnesia enables her to slay the monster she once was.

Don’t get me wrong. Applegate is still a winning beauty (She looks an awful lot like Terri Garr in her Entertainment Weekly photo, though. Coincidence?) and has shown an above average flair for comedy. It helps to have Dancing With the Stars as your lead-in…until you realize that it puts you up against the second half of Heroes. ABC must be counting on folks having nothing to do until The Bachelor starts at 10 PM. Like, say, going to the bathroom, or blogging about the previous week’s episode of The Bachelor. That wishful thinking by ABC might give the show an outside shot at a full season, thought I think viewers will be asking Samantha What? long before then.

ShutterbugNancy via Flickr

Prohibited polymers in pet food. Cut-rate chemicals in toothpaste. Lead-laced paint to decorate toys for all the girls and boys. In a manner of months China has gone from economic juggernaut to James Bond villain, thanks to a slew of product recalls that have left American consumers with a new case of the Red Scare (if not a bad case of the Red Runs). Ron Paul may want a return to the gold standard, but I don’t think he grasps how that would make us vulnerable to an attack on Fort Knox by Chinese Fembots.

Well, cue Bachman-Turner Overdrive, ’cause you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Today comes a Los Angeles Times piece about Luo Cuifen, a 29-year old Chinese woman who discovered that 26 sewing needles had been inserted in her body when she was a baby. The primary suspects are Luo’s grandparents, who allegedly tried to kill her because they had wanted a grandson. Sadly, such incidences are not uncommon in a country where strict population controls have made boys family trophies, and have conspired against the very species that must carry these boy-heroes. That is, until China’s cloning farms are fully operational. (I’m looking at you, Mulder and Scully.)