Photo via NBC.com

Like the swallows to Capistrano, like the image-conscious to anything Apple, so does each new network television season bring its programming justifications. And while nothing for the coming Fall season approaches the soul-surrendering brilliance of NBC exec and American Gladiator reviver Craig Plestis, there’s plenty of ‘splaining to do for a season chock full of retreads (bionic women, vampire detectives)…err, “reimaginings”…and international pilfering.

With so much half-baked goodness, here are six shows that should keep an “It’s an honor just to be aired” speech in their pockets at all times. After which we can look forward to the “Audiences just weren’t ready for it” rationalizations by the green-lighting studio heads.

Samantha Who? (ABC) - A person with a history of doing folks wrong is involved in a car accident, after which said person has an opportunity to make amends for all previous misdeeds. Sound familiar? It should. In what should more appropriately be titled My Name is Samantha, Samantha Who? features Christina Applegate as a former bitch-on-heels whose accident-induced amnesia enables her to slay the monster she once was.

Don’t get me wrong. Applegate is still a winning beauty (She looks an awful lot like Terri Garr in her Entertainment Weekly photo, though. Coincidence?) and has shown an above average flair for comedy. It helps to have Dancing With the Stars as your lead-in…until you realize that it puts you up against the second half of Heroes. ABC must be counting on folks having nothing to do until The Bachelor starts at 10 PM. Like, say, going to the bathroom, or blogging about the previous week’s episode of The Bachelor. That wishful thinking by ABC might give the show an outside shot at a full season, thought I think viewers will be asking Samantha What? long before then.

Big Shots (ABC) - Two words: Christopher Titus.

Viva Laughlin(CBS) - CBS has two words for this show: Hugh Jackman. I’ve got two more words: Musical drama. Look, I agree that Dennis Potter’s Pennies from Heaven and The Singing Detective were as brilliant as anything I’ll ever watch. But even Potter couldn’t keep going to the well (Lipstick on Your Collar) without coming up a little dry. I watched Viva Blackpool - the British mini-series on which Viva Laughlin is based - and wound up liking the message more than the messenger. Let me stress again that Viva Blackpool was a mini-series. Unlike so much American TV, British TV usually has the decency to get while the gettin’ is still on its side (see Gervais’ The Office). Even with Jackman, Viva Laughlin’s mix of Vegas-style intrigue and Bruckheimer-ubiquitous musical montage, plus its uphill battle against The Simpsons, Extreme Home Makeover, and Sunday Night Football, should have the show going bust before half a season is through.

Life Is Wild (The CW) - I know, I know. Pointing out the fault of a C-Dubs show is like blaming a pet store puppy for its unenviable particulars. Life is Wild is yet another American appropriation of a British series (Wild at Heart) that will undoubtedly prove to be an overly earnest attempt by to capture the family audience. Like that puppy, Life is Wild might tug at your heart, but that’s no guarantee it’s coming home with you. The show has a major down side in that is shares Viva Laughlin’s unenviable time slot. On the up side, the show has RUTGER HAUER!!! And if any anything can compel me to DVR a show and fast-forward to the relevant parts, it’s the Power of Hauer.

Bionic Woman (NBC) - The old saying goes: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” As new entertainment co-chairman, Ben Silverman has a bad case of the fidgets and new pal Brett Ratner as a creative consigliere. That’s bad new for Bionic Woman, which has already endured numerous reshoots and recasting, including the addition of tolerance icon Isaiah Washington as a government operative who encourages Jaime Sommers to embrace her inner cyborg. You know, to embrace the thing that makes her different from the accepted behavior in mainstream society. Oh, that’s rich.

Bionic Woman does have some decent people on board, including executive producer David Eick and actress Katee Sackhoff of Battlestar Galactica. It also benefits both from a Deal or No Deal lead-in and from a loyal Heroes fan base that NBC hopes will be just as drawn to Bionic Woman. Bionic Woman will also be up against the Grey’s Anatomy spinoff, so NBC will have to hope that the female tween demographic can make up for what it won’t get in the female 25+ demographic. And if Bionic Woman’s ratings start to slip by Week Three, the show could quickly implode with all of Silverman’s mad scientist test audience tinkering.

Cavemen (ABC) - Right after Snakes on a Plane, Barry Bonds breaking the HR record, and The Petraeus Report, Cavemen stands to be one of most anti-climactic events of the year. A strained concept from the start - exec producer Josh Gordon likes to say “It started in a really true place”, which could also be said about Mao’s Great Leap Forward - Cavemen stumbled out of the gate by not even casting the actors that made endeared the commercials to us in the first place. By all accounts, multiple script rewrites and a complete reshoot of the pilot have done nothing for the, um, evolution of the show.

Cavemen isn’t helped by being stuck in a tar pit of a time slot, Tuesday at 8 PM, even if ABC is banking on viewers having nothing else to do at that time. Does anyone ever know what they are or were doing at 8 PM on a Tuesday? Look for Cavemen to quietly pass back into the mists of time before it can reach double digit episodes.