Associated Press

AHHHHHHH! I just escaped from my tanning bed! I was stuck in there for 5 days! AHHHHH!! I’m burnt to shit. I’m typing this with my nipples. Let me explain what happened from the beginning …

It was last Sunday, a couple hours before Tony’s game, and I got a call from someone named Taco Beans (who actually sounded a lot like Tony). Mr. Beans told me Tony was lucky to have me because I had such great cans. Duh!, I said, what else is new?

Then he told me what else was new — that Tony would dump me if I wasn’t tanned a perfect hue between burnt umber and auburn when he next saw me. Taco suggested I utilize one of my 43 tanning beds immediately.

I was waiting for my nails to dry at Pretty Nails in West Hollywood when I saw this thing on CNN about the parents of that little beauty pageant girl who died, and some other chick who was abducted in Aruba. Personally I never watch CNN. I’m more of an E! Entertainment kind of gal. Anyways, like these two people, the parents of each, totally got together and are now like dating or something. It’s crazy y’all. I believe in true love. I do. Even though my marriage failed, John doesn’t want me, Ken likes men, and my dad rarely calls I DO! I will find my own John Ramsey. I will be someone’s Beth Twitty! (You know instead of being someone’s big titties.) Ha ha, get it? I have huge, luscious boobs.)