Associated Press

AHHHHHHH! I just escaped from my tanning bed! I was stuck in there for 5 days! AHHHHH!! I’m burnt to shit. I’m typing this with my nipples. Let me explain what happened from the beginning …

It was last Sunday, a couple hours before Tony’s game, and I got a call from someone named Taco Beans (who actually sounded a lot like Tony). Mr. Beans told me Tony was lucky to have me because I had such great cans. Duh!, I said, what else is new?

Then he told me what else was new — that Tony would dump me if I wasn’t tanned a perfect hue between burnt umber and auburn when he next saw me. Taco suggested I utilize one of my 43 tanning beds immediately.

I hopped in, switched the lever to roast and about 20 minutes later, I heard some noises outside. I tried to open the bed, but I had been locked in y’all! I waited about 4 days until I could tell I missed a meal, and began my daring escape. Luckily, I was wearing 5-inch stiletto house slippers and was able to chisel my way through the hard plastic.

If Tony can’t have me at my games then, I won’t let him come to my concerts! Stop laughing! It is too a punishment! Fine, then he can’t be around when we have sex. Yeah, I’ll hit him where it hurts — his penis.

So next time we have sex, I’ll make him leave before it starts. Revenge is a dish best served by holding back pussy.