A big pistols at Dawn boooyyyahhh, America.  Well seems like Big Cram is ruffling some feathers, but that's how ya know your doing a good job. You see folks, I went on a rant the other day, telling my loyal army of viewers to harass AIG employees at every chance, chasing them to the four corners of the earth. Well seems like the CEO of AIG didn't like that too much and he demanded an apology.

Apologize? Never! The word apology isn't even in the Cramerica Dictionary. Now maybe every AIG employee doesn't need to be screamed at until my throat is sore. I heard about a secretary there who always has candy at her desk, she's probably pretty cool. And maybe some of the dudes in the mail room are kinda fun to grab a beer with, and OK, some of the insurance claims guys are not directly responsible for the destruction of billions of dollars of wealth, but that's about it. The rest are vermin at best and should be subject to can after can of whoop-ass openings.

Fox News you just made the list. I am so mad I can't even booyaah today. Ok maybe one, but just because Big Cram is all about keeping it real. A big Blow Me Booooooooyyyaaaahhhhh to Fox Buiness News.

For those loyal Cramericans who haven't heard the news, those douchebags over at Fox, in a pathetic attempt to try to increase their anemic ratings, are going after the Big Dog. That's right, they have a commercial attacking me, which for some reason my own freakin network aired. Take a gander here:

In this ad, they point out that my picks consistently under-perform the market. They mention how I said to buy Wachovia just before they went under. Fox even had the gall to bring up the fact that I told people to get out the market the day before it sky-rocketed 11%. Ok, that all may be true, but who calls a brother out like that?

A big fallout shelter booyahh to all Cramerica. Now some of your may remember that earlier in the week Big Cram called for a general freak out, and well, I am proud of you Cramerica, you listened to the big dog and you freaked out big time. The Dow, S&P and NASDAQ were all down 25% in the last week. A big meltdown boooyaahh!

I went up to the fallout shelter, ate some spam, drank some water, recycled my own pee and watched like thirty episodes of Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Look into the Chicken, you will love it. But the Cramer freak out call was more effective then I imagined, and it has already become time for the reverse call: EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

A big freaked out Boooyaaahhh America. Well for those that actually still have a TV and were watching this morning you might have heard Big Cram telling everyone the sky is falling on Today Show. The news stories that followed said, "Cramer to the Market: Now is the time to Panic." Now that is just not accurate, that is what Sarah Palin would call, "Golly-gee whiz, Putin-headed, gotcha journalism"

When the going gets tough, the tough watch Mad Money. I don't know how you folks are doing, but Big Cram is having his best week ever! Ratings are through the roof. Of course trying to explain what is going on out there is no easy task. While I may not be able to tell the dedicated watchers of Cramerica what a CDS or CLO or Polygon is, you can bet I will be on there each night rolling up my sleeves well past what any prudent man would do and throwing around things to emphasize my point. You see we all have to continue to do what we do best. And sleeve rolling and small plastic animal throwing is my thing.

Well it looks like the folks with hair have screwed it up again. The whole financial system, built by WASPs with full heads of hair is crumbling and who does the world turn to in order to save the day? The Bald. Seems like whenever trouble hits our fair country the Bald Men are called to action.

Our saviors this time, Paulson and Bernake, have less than six working follicles between them. Chris Cox, the Chairman of the SEC, is trying to help, but he spent half of the time in the $700 billion bailout meeting trying to get that darn cowlick to stay down. Cox seems more focused on whether or not he should frost his tips then save the world.

I am so depressed I can't even boooyaahh this morning. Collapse? Meltdown? Crisis? What the f-happened?!?! One day I am in the studio throwing plastic bulls at the camera raving like madman and the next I am sitting in the my office looking at a screen with red all over it (for those that don't know stocks show up in red when they are down). What is the cause? Why did this happen? I have been mulling it over for days. The usual culprits always come up, short-sellers, subprime lenders, speculators, the Jews or possible Kaiser Sozay. But I have analyzed the patterns and none of those fit. I am like Dr. House of the financial world.

Then it hit me, look at the dates... Things really started to hit the fan on September 10.  turned on the Super Collider in Europe!

This monstrosity whips matter around at light speed and bashes particles into each other to see what happens. Despite plenty of warnings from the legitimate science community that this would cause the end of the world as these particle collisions would create black holes, these uber-eggheads turned it on anyway. Instead of debating this issue, they flipped the switch and rolled their twenty-sided Dungeon and Dragons dice, hoping for the best. Stupid nerds, they have destroyed us all.

Boooyahhh America. Its time for Big Cram to get back to some fundementals and give you some good stocks to invest in. So I am hitting the BUY, BUY, BUY button with a little company you probably have not heard of yet called Microsoft. Now I know what you are thinking, what kind of weird dingbat would name his company Microsoft?

Why not just call it SmallFlacid or TinyWeak. Yeah, the name is not great and few will ever remember it, but that's OK, this isn't a consumer play. In order to make real money in the stock market you have to find out of favor companies that people are not paying attention to and BUY, BUY, BUY. You see Microsoft makes this stuff that makes your computer go. It's the guts inside that Dell, HP or Commodore 64 you are running.

Booooyaaaah America!  Well despite Helicoptor Ben's best efforts, the sky IS falling and it IS fully time to freak out!

Now I'm not talking about a mini, "should we sell the second home and manage our expenses more closely?" freak out. No, no. I'm talking about a "hoard canned food and kill anyone that gets to close to your property" freak out. Things are going to hell in a hand basket -- and quickly -- so prepare now while you still can.

Stock up on the essentials: non-perishable food, access to fresh water, ammo and pornography. I imagine the post collapsed-economy world to be somewhere between Mad Max and Johnny Mnemonic (easily Keanu Reeves' best work). Keep some children around as they can be put to work in the fields or eaten if, God forbid, the Dow drops below 10,000. And for goodness sake don't waste your time with dollar bills. They are useless. Just a fancy form of toilet paper these days. (And on that front, Big Jim recommends Charmin Ultrasoft.)