Booyah home owning Americans! With the mortgage crises still in full swing, Cramer has identified a new trend in the market, increasing homelessness. If you find yourself out on the streets, begging for change here are some sure fire techniques to increase your revenue, decrease your costs, thus sky rocketing your profits!

1) Don't panhandle outside the ATM. For some reason homeless people think that because the ATM doles out cash, they can provide a service of holding the door open and I will "tip" them. Wrong! I went there because I was out of cash and the machine only gave me twenty dollar bills. I am not giving you a $20, no matter how charming you are. Go where people have change, like outside convenience stores or arcades.

2) The dollar menu at Micky D's, Wendy's or Taco Bell provide the greatest caloric value for the buck and Starbucks and Barnes & Nobel bathrooms are always open and relatively clean (as long as you don't get in there after another homeless person).

Hello friends. Being an expert on the stock market is never easy. People are always asking me what stocks to pick, where the markets are heading and what is driving the American economy. Well on the first two that's easy ... I have no idea. I mostly make this stuff up as I go along, then I yell a lot and throw things at the TV screen on my massively popular show. It's the third question, what is driving the American economy, that has kept Big Cram up at night.

You see, three things drive GDP growth, increase in population, increase in investment and increase in productivity. The thing is all three have been flat since around 2003 and yet we have had 4%+ growth. Economist far and wide were baffled. Well, no longer. Big Cram found the answer: fat people.

Now I'm not talking about regular fat people. No, the beached whales I'm referring to have an extra belly under their belt, need walkers to get around, forced the garment industry to create a size above XXXL, and for who two chins are not good enough.

Booyah, America. Well there are not many times Big Cram will pass up sex, but the time has finally come. There will be no sex for me this weekend, or the next, or the next, or ever! No, I will not be passing up my bi-weekly romp in the hay with my lovely wife, I refer instead to the dreadful movie, Sex and the City which will debut this weekend.

Cramer will be skipping this movie and you should too.

I don't even understand what this movie is supposed to be about. From the brief clip I saw I think its about three hookers and their mom. There also seems to be something about a gold digging call girl.  Also, Sarah Jessica Parker face looks like a foot, I don't know what Ferris Bueller sees in her. Ferris can do better!

People often ask him what I do to unwind. I guess they can see from my show that I am one stressed out speed freak. Well, I have been off the speed for almost nine months, so get off my case, OK!. But Big Cram does need to chill and there is only one thing that gets me to really relax, karaoke.

Oh, those legions of drunk Japanese businessmen got one thing right! Nothing beats going to a crowded karaoke bar and belting out some familiar tunes. Problem is, not everyone knows there are some basic rules to karaoke singing. It really boils my blood when some jackass gets up there and tortures the crowd. So here is a preview of my latest book, Cramer's Guide to Karaoke Singing:

1) Pick a song you know, and I mean really know.  Know the lyrics (I know the words on the screen, but still), know the rhythm, know the beats. You gotta know the beats, baby!

Booyah America! Over this holiday weekend I heard about consumer confidence being at a 16-year low. 16-year low? You mean consumers have not been this unhappy since Leno took over for Carson? Why so sad America? Record gas and food prices, rising unemployment and falling home prices may have you down? Cramer is here to give you some things to be happy about"

1) A child's laughter.

2) With every day that passes Suze Orman is a day closer to death.

3) Porn is still free on the internet. (Although quality-wise, you get what you pay for.)

4) Iron Man; that movie is fantastic, fun for the whole family.

Times are tough out there. Gas is at record prices, food prices are up over 100% and unemployment is increasing, but it's not rough on everybody. Miley Cyrus just topped the list of America's richest teens! Sadly this is having a negative trickle-down effect on you.

Last week I saw a couple in the grocery store put back a number of items of food so that they could buy an Entertainment Weekly. They traded food for the list of America's richest teens?!? Why do they care? Why are they interested?

Now Cramer likes a good list as much as anyone. I like to see where TheStreet.com is ranked in terms of financial news site for instance. But I own TheStreet.com! If I wasn't in the business I wouldn't care. So unless that starving couple was looking to see how their daughter ranked against Jamie Lynn Spears, their fascination is lost on me. (As an aside, their daughter was 56,837,372 places below Jamie Lynn.)

Like a dinner guest that overstays his welcome, the Microsoft (MSFT) takeover attempt for Yahoo (YHOO) has the business world turning to its collective husband and saying, "get them out of here I want to go to bed!." My well placed agents tell me that big news is coming out this week. Lesser journalists and stock-pickers are wondering: Will MSFT raise its price? Will Yahoo do a deal with AOL? Will MSFT go hostile? Will Paris Hilton get married? I think I can speak for the intelligent segment of America when I say, no one cares anymore.

So there I was, just minding my own business this weekend, watching the Pope, do whatever the heck it is the Pope does, and CNN cuts to its personal investment segment. So I figure they will run some clips from Mad Money, or maybe cite some pages to read from my book, or maybe they will have some guys in there to talk about what Cramer might say in certain situations ... you know pretty run of the mill, standard stuff. But no.

As I sat there in my boxers, eating cheese wiz from the can, I see this bitch, this charlatan named Suze Orman dolling out advice as if America needed another source of advice beyond Cramer! I did some background checking on this Suze Orman. First of all, chicks shouldn't have short hair, that shit is just wrong. Secondly, what is with the name Suze? That's not even a real fucking name! 

Then I begrudgingly listened for a bit. Bush league! Her picks and rationals for this week, include: "Circuit City (CC) because they sell shiny things, Regis Beauty Salons (RGS) because everyone likes to look good and Metro Goldywn Meyer (MGM) because they have a movie coming out with Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon and they are both so cute!"

Well America, it was shaping up to be a nice week on Wall Street with the brilliance of the American economy once again on display for the world to see. No one quite knows why the market was rising, but everyone was enjoying the party. With our economy in recession, the dollar close to being used as toilet paper and the President spending like a drunk Ted Kennedy, one would think the market would be having a bad week. But no, we were rocking right along. It is kind of like American was mooning the rest of the world. Hey world, look at us, we can't balance our budget but our stock market is kicking butt, so suck it!